Our expert, writer and psychologist Tatiana Ogneva-Salvoni reports.
A disturbing letter was written to the editorial office of healthy-food-near-me.com by a young woman who, by the will of fate, was left alone with her child.
“I read that a child, especially a boy, must have a father, otherwise he will grow up to be a drool and a rag. That boys who grew up without a father are more likely to become criminals. Well, and other nightmares. I am very afraid that I will not be able to raise a real man out of him alone. Alas, his dad already has a family, and he lives in another city. It was my decision to save the pregnancy, I have wanted a child for a long time. Our relationship, unfortunately, came to naught after my birth. In fact, I am a single mother, but now I understand that for the sake of my son I must again begin to arrange my personal life and look not for a man as a husband for myself, but for a good dad for the child. But this is even more difficult than finding a husband. Have I really made a mistake and prepared a terrible fate for my son? “
– Today there is so much psychological information that the opposite effect begins. People begin to wind themselves up out of the blue where, perhaps, you need to rejoice. Of course, you want everything to be perfect, but in the world there is no ideal. And the devaluation of what is only for the reason that it does not fit into some ideal framework smacks of neurosis.
First, you need to gather your courage and evaluate what we have in fact and what is good about it. Secondly, we recall how acquaintances, relatives, friends and heroes from films with a similar plot emerged from similar difficult situations. What helped them, how did they cope with it, what happened as a result. And as an example to follow, we use those who did the best. The main thing is not to fantasize. The future depends on us, but we still cannot predict it.
As for the upbringing of boys. They really need a masculine figure, father. As a kind of unattainable ideal, first, then as an example, and then as an opponent who needs to be “defeated”, that is, to become somewhat better than him in something. Boys who never “beat” their father, and therefore did not undergo initiation, remain in the adolescent stage of development. Then these guys also become something like slobber, rags and cowards.
Yes, a boy who is brought up in a complete family has more self-confidence. It is more difficult for a boy growing up without a father. His starting conditions in life are much worse. But if a boy from a complete family needs to “defeat” a specific person with certain advantages and disadvantages, then a boy from an incomplete family needs almost the whole world. If you pay attention to the films in which the hero saves the Universe, or if he is just some kind of unusually good, bright, charismatic, then most often, according to the plot, he grew up with one mother. A boy without a father chooses some other bright role model for himself, the strongest, the most intelligent, even if fictitious, or a public person, and goes through the stages that would have to go through with the figure of a father. Such a boy has higher stakes. He either becomes like the hero Kingsman (whose father was killed), or a criminal, since ontologically he is also a hero, only with a minus sign.
In a boy who grew up without a father, it manifests itself more and more prominently. For example, the moral standards for the child (regardless of gender) should be set by the father. But not every father himself knows what is good and what is bad, in some families these concepts are blurred. The boy, who is forced to choose from examples brought to the absolute as a guide, will have stricter moral standards. Yes, it’s bad if he chooses the dark side of power to follow. But a huge gain for humanity – if he chooses good and will imitate heroes with high moral values. Then, after some time, he himself will become a good example for many, even those who grew up in complete families.
Needless to say, it is mom who can and should help in choosing a role model. Softly, unobtrusively and without neurosis. Another very important moment is that you need to show respect for the boy’s father in every possible way, no matter what happens between you. But the child should be confident that his father is also a worthy person. And you don’t need to arrange a personal life just for the sake of your son. Let her settle herself, in a natural way. You don’t need to become a dad for him. It’s enough just to be a good, loving, real mother for him.