Leaving a baby for an assistant, giving it to a nursery, and going to work yourself two or three decades ago was a common thing. But today, women have heard about the importance of an emotional connection with a small child, and therefore they have doubts: will it be possible to create a reliable attachment at a distance and remain the closest person for a son or daughter? We will discuss with the developmental psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova.
“With great difficulty, I managed to find a job — they offered me a one-year contract in another city,” says 29-year-old Oksana. — It is simply unrealistic to take a child with you. But my heart hurts, as I imagine that I have to leave for so long — my son is only 1 year and 8 months old. Of course, I trust my mother, and there is Skype, but I’m afraid that the child will wean me and love my grandmother more than me.
Oksana’s situation is recognizable. And it also happens that after maternity leave, a mother is forced to go full-time and hire a nanny. Or trust the care of the child to the next of kin.
They usually do a great job. But the mother’s anxiety does not disappear anywhere: will she be able to become a significant, close person for the baby in the conditions of rare meetings in the evenings and weekends? And in the event of a long separation, will they be able to restore warm relations later? And will a grown child love his mother if he is already attached to someone else?
“Of course, the presence of a mother in the first year of life is incredibly important for a baby,” says psychologist-consultant Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — The warmth of her hands, the sound of her voice, the taste of her milk, all this calms the child emotionally, creates an unusual closeness between them and helps the child to believe that this world is a generally good and safe place.
But after all, all this may well be given by another person who is constantly next to the baby (except perhaps in addition to breast milk). By and large, it is not so important for a small child whether it is a mother or a father, a nanny or a grandmother. He just needs closeness with a sensitive, sympathetic, warm, positive person who will protect and give the child a sense of his need in this world.
Some mothers oblige the nanny to keep a distance from the baby, to restrain their feelings. They fear that a strong connection with a stranger will close the channel of closeness, contact and love of the child to the mother. But it’s not.
In your circle
Imagine a complete family in which the mother spends the whole day with the child, and the father sees him occasionally in the evenings and on weekends. At the same time, the child, beginning to distinguish between “us” and “strangers” at 9 months, perceives his father as “his”.
Moreover, at some point, it is the father who can become the main person in life for the child. So the mother, whom the child rarely saw or who left to work in another city, can become, upon her return, not only “her own”, but also the most important. Under what conditions will this happen?
“If the first year of life has not become traumatic for the child (thanks to the care of the caring adult) and the mother is determined to establish close contact with him, she has the resource for this, she is able to take a place in the heart of the child even in the 2-3rd year of life, and even later,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “It’s good if this woman had a personal experience of secure attachment, as it determines the possibility of close relationships.”
There is another necessary condition: maintaining a very warm, sensitive contact with the nanny or with the grandmother. No matter how far from home you are, no matter how late you return from work, ask the assistant in detail how the day went, what the child was doing, experience all his difficulties and joys together. With such remote connection, less time and effort will be required to establish a real connection.
“The grandmother, in fact, closes the gap that arises in the contact between mother and child, broadcasts their love to each other,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — “When mom comes home from work (or goes on Skype today), you and I will show off a new tooth! the grandmother says to the child. Let’s show our wreath of dandelions. And mom will be so happy!” If the caring person is fixed not on regrets about the absence of a mother, not on failures in contact, but on the anticipation of joyful events, then it turns out that there are no failures! And there is a strong bridge between the separated.
But for this, a nanny or grandmother must be nourished with her gratitude and accept her undertakings with sincere interest. Very often, relationships deteriorate when the mother cannot do without criticism. The nanny happily tells something, and the mother immediately corrects: “Why does he need semolina porridge? No benefit from it, empty carbohydrates!” “Why didn’t you go for a walk again? Do you sit at home a lot? How does the nanny feel? Resentment and irritation due to the fact that they do not understand and do not appreciate it. Feelings that will only create a gap between the child and the mother.
Not quantity but quality
No matter how little time you spend with your child, the quality of communication is crucial.
“The most understandable way to fill this gap is to create your own little rituals,“ secrets ”, such ways of interacting that only the two of you will understand,” the expert notes. — Among such techniques are any tactile rituals (special hugs, rubbing with the nose instead of the usual kiss), only you can understand the order of building a conversation (if you communicate only on the Internet), and a unique way of greeting, addressing the child, which is used only by mother. “Hello, my“ critter ”, or“ frog ”, or“ bead ”… Such a naming ritual confirms: you are in my life, I see you, I feel you, you are not some abstract boy or girl for me.”
Start over again
Even if you have maintained good, trusting contact with the caregiver during the separation and seem to know everything about your son/daughter’s life, upon your return, you will have a new acquaintance with the child. And you need to prepare for it in the same way as for the first meeting with an important person for you. How do we usually get to know someone we are interested in? We are ready to listen to his stories endlessly, we are ready to drink, peer, listen to his stories about ourselves.
And if the child turned away and said: “I don’t need you, go away”?
“This is also a story,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. And it happens between adults too. Where have you been for so long and why should I tell you something? A mother needs to accept this and be prepared for a slow rapprochement if she wants to truly “tame” her child.”
Any close relationship is emotionally costly, you have to invest in it again and again. Try to establish contact again and again, openly go forward. This rapprochement is unlikely to be successful if a woman strives to play some kind of role — gender, hierarchical. “How is it that you don’t recognize me, your mother? Won’t you kiss me?» «Yes, you should love me just because I’m your mother!»
In addition, it is simply unacceptable to treat the object of the child’s first affection as a rival and blackmail the child with the choice «either I or the nanny.» This is an unhealthy position. By forcing the child to stop the wave of love for the nanny/grandmother by an effort of will, the mother not only causes the child severe pain, but also narrows the circle of people dear to his heart who could give him self-confidence and reliable support for a good life.
It’s great if a young mother can take advantage of even the slightest chance to stay at home to be close to her child. But if the issue of survival comes to the fore, direct your efforts not to blaming yourself, but to finding a reliable assistant and maintaining warm contact with him.
“In the end, if there is no parting, there will be no joy of meeting,” recalls Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — Understanding that a loved one is not always there, not always available, strengthens the value of reciprocity. Such an experience (sparing!) helps to keep the image of a loved one in your heart and withstand parting without self-destruction.