Contents
Tears, screaming, anger, rudeness – at any age, children know our weaknesses and know how to get their way. But our task, not succumbing to blackmail, is to help the child learn to control himself. This is a book by Madeleine Deny, an expert in child psychology. Several fragments.
Was my response correct? What if I behaved too softly? Or too hard? We are often unprepared for the fact that hysteria will invade our family life. To repel an attack, you need to monitor the situation and skillfully maneuver between firmness and negotiations. Patiently endure those manifestations of feelings that do not affect other people, and avoid tough confrontation … We have to become skillful diplomats, because this is the only way to deal with scandals.
1–3 years: renunciation of omnipotence
Tantrums are a normal stage in the development of a child, the result of realizing that he is not omnipotent, a way to resist the world around him – and at the same time adapt to it. Little by little, he will learn to control his energy and express violent emotions in some other way than screaming. When parents listen to the child’s emotions, he feels protected and it is easier for him to calm down himself. Distracting the child, switching his attention to something else, instead of asking what made him angry, is a good solution. Toddlers still do not know how to resolve conflicts without the help of fists. It is necessary to help them in such a situation, firstly, for their safety, and secondly, so that they do not get used to reacting too emotionally to any difficult situation. By the age of 2-3, the child begins to realize himself as a separate person, he is becoming more and more aware of his feelings. Showing respect for his “no!” and “I don’t want to!”, Parents should and be sure to let him know that if you refuse to do something that he insists on, then this is solely for his benefit.
Tips: The best thing to do is to hide your anxiety and not pay much attention to the outbursts of children’s anger. Otherwise, the child will understand that his rage unsettles you, and decides that he can control you.
The words, which you do not need to tell the child: “You are evil”, “You are behaving terribly”. It is better to explain to him: “The one you hit hurts. I don’t want you to push other kids.”
Read more:
- Calm your mind
3-6 years: outbursts of rage
It is important for a child to feel that parents are always in control of the situation and will make sure that nothing bad happens to him. Gradually, he will notice that shouting does not help to achieve the goal. If a tantrum happened, for example, in a store, you need to clearly express your attitude: I really don’t like what you are doing, but I remain calm; I will not make concessions; I will firmly hold your hands or in my arms so that you do not harm yourself; you don’t behave like that in a public place, so we’ll have to leave.
Disobedience is useful because it allows the child to build his personality, to form a positive self-image. It is better to come to terms with some of the mess that our son or daughter creates around him in advance. But he should not be allowed to command adults.
Advice. Use clear and precise words and speak firmly to express your disagreement. Squat down, look the child in the eyes, seriously, but without allowing yourself to be annoyed. If the child is alone in his room and thinks about his behavior, this will help to avoid a scandal.
Words “Congratulations, praise, you did it” is the best remedy against anger and aggression. Emphasizing the strengths of the child, you can smooth out the small remarks that we tend to make almost every minute.
6-10 years: learning to live peacefully
Loneliness, anxiety, jealousy, resentment … If a child learns to understand what exactly he feels, it will be easier for him to control himself. Discussing with him the feelings that we and he are experiencing, we show the child that they can and should be talked about. Of course, mutual irritation and quarrels with friends are part of life, but our task is to explain to the child that we are ourselves only when we communicate with others without anger. By developing his capacity for empathy, helping him see his own strengths, we will strengthen his self-confidence. Responding too harshly to the bad behavior of children will only increase their internal discontent. A more effective way is to negotiate, and it is better to choose neutral territory for them (for example, a cafe). It is important to show the child that we perceive his behavior not as an attack on parental authority, but simply as a loss of self-control.
Advice. The rules in the family should not change depending on the mood: if you are cheerful and joyful, still do not allow you to do what is not allowed. Give up the authoritarian style in communication: it blocks the child’s reactions, and he may develop anxiety. Teach him how to relax if he feels like he’s about to explode.
Speak with children without labeling. Do not allow yourself offensive words, shouting and deceit, if you do not want to accustom a child to them. “You sometimes speak without thinking” is better than “You’re insufferable.” “I want you to do this” is more effective than “I don’t allow…”
Get angry right!
Parents also have the right to be angry. Learn to breathe and do relaxation exercises to relieve tension if you feel the clouds are gathering. Any means are good so as not to “overflow” and not set a bad example for the child, which he will certainly reproduce when he himself is angry. But there is no need for parents to suppress their anger: learn to accept it as a healthy natural reaction. But instead of yelling at your kids or spanking them, do something nice for yourself: take a bath, go for a walk, take a short break with a book, cook your favorite meal. Children will certainly be surprised: it turns out that adults, when they get angry, are great at relaxing, controlling their bodies and extinguishing sparks of anger when they already sparkled in their eyes!
“Angers” Madeleine Deny (Nathan, 2009).
A Russian translation of this book about children’s temper tantrums and whims is being prepared for publication by Clever publishing house and continues the joint series of publishing house and Psychologies magazine “Make Our Children Happy”.