Recently faced with such a situation. Me and my son Alyoshenka (6 years old) came to visit my sister. At home were: sister and her daughter Alinochka (11 years old). The children played merrily and wonderfully — they love each other and are very friendly. Half an hour later, my son comes up to me and quietly says:
“Mommy, when are we going home?”
— Son, we have just arrived, I have not talked to my mother and sister yet. What did you want?
I don’t want to be here anymore…
— I realized. What happened?
Alina teases me and calls me names. I don’t want to talk to her.
— I understood everything. And let’s play a game with you: you will tease me and call me names.
He looked at me in surprise. “Yes,” I continue, “try calling me names. You can say what Alina told you, you can come up with something of your own. My son thought about it, then he says: “Mom, you are stupid.” I say: “Uh-huh. So what?»
There was a pause. The child looks at me in surprise and is silent. I’m talking:
What’s next, son?
— Nothing…
— Come on, tease and call names. Come up with names, call me names, and even better, call your sister, let’s play this game together.
My son called Alinochka, and they started calling me names: “You are stupid!” “Uh-huh, so what?” They laugh, they have fun, and continue: “You look like a horse!” “Uh-huh, so what? But I can trot beautifully!” Then I ask them:
— When you call names, how do you feel?
— Funny.
— Do you want to call me names when I say the word «so what?»?
— Do not want.
— Amazing. And now let me call you names. And I give you this magical question “so what?”.
And I started calling them names: “Oh, you stupid children!” — «So what?». Moreover, it is clear that the posture changes at the level of the body. When the children answered me “so what?”, Their posture became even, a little impudent, an intelligent look appeared from the brow. There is inner strength, inner self-confidence. It turns out when you say «so what?» you feel calm, confident, just “I will not play the game that is being offered to me. Do you want me to call you back? I won’t. Do you want me to react in some way? I won’t.»
I asked them:
— When you answer «so what?» What do you feel?
— It’s getting so calm. It doesn’t matter if they called me or not.
And we talked to them about the wonderful entertainment children have: name-calling and teasing. In this game, children especially like it when a person manages to be offended, when, in response to a name-calling, he has resentment, anger, rage … When the reaction is zero, teasing this person becomes uninteresting, and all desire to do this disappears. If a child receives a calm question “so what?” in response to his name-calling, then calling names becomes uninteresting. It is only important to say it with a smile, and that the look be friendly: “You can say anything, but I don’t care. I don’t want to play this game.»
Those people who were called names, and they said “so what?” feel inner confidence and peace. It’s like playing tennis: they threw the ball, and I have a racket in my hands, and I launch it back. The only difference is that they throw it furiously at me, and I just beat it off, and the ball flies where I need it. Why throw it at a person? They need to get into the court for the person to change seats … We sorted it all out and finished the game merrily. A few days pass, my child comes from kindergarten and says:
— Mom, Yegor called me today!
And a pretty face! I’m talking:
— Tell me more — it’s interesting!
— Mom, Yegor comes up to me and says — «You are a fool!» I look at him and say — so what? Egor turned around and left, and I continued to play with the guys, and for some reason it was funny to me.
— That is, after this question, Yegor stopped teasing you.
— Yes, after that he did not approach me anymore.
– I am very glad that you resolved this conflict, everything is just fine.
After some time, a new situation arose, no longer with the son, but with the child of a neighbor. A neighbor said that her child had a fight, tore his jacket in a fight, and all because the boy called him names. It is clear that in response he called him names too, just like normal children. We went to her son.
“Vanechka,” I say, “call me names.”
He stands, batting his eyes: — Aunt Natasha, what are you doing?!
— Just call me.
— I won’t.
— Vanechka, let’s play a game with you now. I give you permission to call me names, and I give you my word that I will be fine.
Vanya is a well-mannered child, he is always polite with adults, it was difficult for him. He timidly says: “Fool …” And I answered this: “So what?” At first he did not feel. Then his mother joined in, and we all played it out with her. She starts calling me names, I stand calmly and say to her eyes: “So what?” Sometimes to this standard “So what?” I added a translation as a joke:
— You’re a freak!
— So what? I saw myself in the mirror: if ugly people are like that, then the world is perfect!
The boy listened. Then I tell him:
— Now I will call you names, and you will say «so what?»
— Let’s!
We start playing, and then I asked him: “How do you feel?” He described that when he says these words, he becomes somehow calm.
— Wan, what desire arises at the moment when you hear “so what?”
– There is a desire to turn around and leave. That is, there is no desire to continue to communicate.
— And if this is applied when someone came up on the street and called them names? How do you think it will work?
— I think that the one who calls names will turn around and leave.
— Then let’s agree that when you use it, you will definitely tell me.
— Good!
What happened next? A few days later, Vanya was already telling me: a high school student approached him at school and said something to him gu.e.e. He replied: «So what?» The high school student stopped, looked at him, and then turned around and left… It turns out that when they attack and tease and receive an emotion in response — resentment, irritation, etc. — it turns on — the game has begun! It is interesting to continue it, children are involved in it, emotions begin to unwind. And when this game is not supported and stopped by calmness, that is, as if they say “I will not play this”, then the game ends before it starts.
Comment from N.I. Kozlova: With the wise Natalya Kovalenko, everything always works out reasonably, and for less experienced parents, before teaching their children to beat “So what?”, It is useful to think about safety. It is worth thinking in advance about the royal “So what?” the child suddenly did not begin to sound in your address, in response to your justified criticism and demands. «Have you done your homework?» — «Not. So what?». However, in good families, children themselves know who needs to be protected from, and who — their own. «So what?» — this is protection from the attack of strangers, and parents are not strangers. The child will not always understand this on his own, sometimes it needs to be told in the same way that we tell the child any other important things, but with your help, the child must still distinguish how disassembly with peers differs from relationships with parents.
The article had a continuation, see “I didn’t do my homework! So what?»
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.