Elizabeth Gilbert on the secret of human intimacy, the difficulties of intimate relationships and how people are like porcupines.
“Arthur Schopenhauer, a pessimistic philosopher, had his own theory of human relations, which he illustrated with a story about porcupines, he had such a metaphor.
He talked about how in love, and indeed in close relationships – family, marriage, friendship – we all experience emotional discomfort and are like a flock of porcupines that wander along the road on a cold winter night. They begin to freeze, and in order to warm up, they need to get closer, to unite in a group. They really want this warmth, they want to cuddle closer, but as soon as they get close enough, they hurt each other with their terrible needles. These injections are very painful.
Wanting to avoid this pain, the porcupines move away from each other to a safe distance, but then freeze again. Then they converge again, again feel the pricks and move away. And this intimate dance perfectly illustrates the essence of our human relationships.
We also have a need to get closer to each other, but then there is a need to separate – in order to protect ourselves from the inevitable suffering that too close connection causes.
Schopenhauer did not see a cure for this and did not think that this vicious circle would ever break: he considered this feature of intimate relationships to be innate. But he suggested that those who learned to produce their own heat would be able to stay at the safest distance from other “porcupines”.
This does not mean living in isolation, it means not being pierced. Having a little personal space where you can allow yourself to be self-sufficient, generate your own warmth and realize your value, your humanity – only in this case you can remain close to someone and not be pricked. The path to this is the most important secret of happiness that I have ever learned.
About the Author: Elizabeth Gilbert is an American author of several novels, including the autobiographical bestseller Eat, Pray, Love.