Fear of losing authority and a constant sense of guilt make parents repent every now and then that they are not good enough. Child psychotherapist Tatyana Bednik invites us to remember the priorities.
Psychologies: Many parents regularly justify themselves to their children, asking them for forgiveness. Why do they do this?
Tatyana Bednik: They worry too much about their child’s well-being and at the same time feel guilty about not being «good enough parents.» The fear of making a mistake, of not being up to par, makes understanding and caring, but too insecure adults sometimes lose their common sense.
Do they not trust themselves?
T. B .: Yes, and one of the reasons is the diversity and variability of modern models of education. It is difficult for parents to choose which one to rely on. For example, when the youngest child is born in the family, mothers in the maternity hospital are told that she is simply obliged to breastfeed him. And five years ago, at the birth of the first child, the same doctor said that it is quite possible not to do this and remain a good mother. So parents constantly compare themselves to the ideal and do not understand how they can meet high standards. Moreover, children really do not forgive us much.
- Spanking children: are you for or against?
It seems that today they criticize us more actively than previous generations did. This is true?
T. B .: The behavior of children is determined by the actions of adults. Today, many families prefer a democratic style of communication. And it involves criticism. This is good, but on the condition that the plane still has a pilot. Parents who constantly apologize deprive children of a sense of security. In order to grow, a child needs frames, boundaries, guidelines on which he can rely at any time. Parents are the most reliable support. Therefore, it is so important that adults who raise a child know how to be firm. After all, their main task is to help children grow up fearlessly, assimilate life values and see meanings.
- Question to the expert: “Can I tell my children everything about my childhood?”
How to respond to the claims of children without apologizing?
T. B .: Accept their feelings. For example, you could say, “I understand that you are angry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you so irritably.» The work of a parent is a delicate matter. It is necessary to hear discontent, but not to bend; support, but leave freedom. Of course, adults have an obligation to apologize for inappropriate behavior. If they insulted or humiliated a child, hit him, losing his temper; if forced to do something that the child cannot stand (for example, to participate in competitions if he hates them). An adult needs to apologize if he has committed actions with a child for which he is ashamed (for example, he got drunk). And do it at the moment when the understanding comes that you did wrong, even if a lot of time has passed. It is especially difficult for parents of teenagers who are just busy building their own value system. The difficulty is to maintain the idea of the limits of what is permitted and at the same time make a distinction: “You are not obliged to share my principles, but as long as we live together, I ask you to respect them. Later you will do as you please.»
- Children kill love
“To become a parent, we have to abandon the infantile position, stop feeling like a victim”
What does a child feel if parents constantly apologize to him?
T. B .: He loses his bearings. When parents ask for forgiveness, they unconsciously hope that the child will confirm that they are good parents. Thus, they place too much responsibility on him. He (albeit for a while) finds himself in an unusual role — the eldest in the family. This causes anxiety and confusion. Children should not take care of adults, this is a heavy burden. As a result, prematurely matured, disappointed children grow up. Six-, seven-year-old boys and girls come to see me, who think that life is very difficult!
- I don’t like other people’s children
Can we say that children and parents change places?
T. B .: This is true, there is an inversion of generations. To become a full-fledged parent, one must dare to abandon the infantile position, stop feeling like a victim and not expect recognition from both sides — both from their children and from their parents. To become parents, it is necessary to finally stop settling scores and making lists of what we ourselves did not get in childhood, to admit that our parents did everything they could, although, of course, they were not perfect.
And, in turn, admit that we, too, are imperfect?
T. B .: Yes, and if one day we acted badly, say, yelled at a child, this does not mean that everything is lost and at that moment we became a bad father or mother. Parental mistakes allow the child to show flexibility of character: he understands that he, too, can sometimes be in a bad mood, get angry and not feel like a bad person. We can be different, change, we are not limited to one act, and children definitely need to know about it! And we just have to come to terms with the fact that we give our children everything that we are now capable of.