Since ancient times, the ideal woman was considered the one that was ready to endure, submit and yield to a man. But at all times there were those who allowed the inner flame to flare up, discovering in themselves the strength, the ability to create and the willingness to fight for a place under the sun.
There are women from whom energy is in full swing. They are looking for self-realization, they are not afraid of difficulties. Inside such ladies, it is as if a small fire is burning, which fuels their craving for a more interesting and quality life. They are not afraid to defend their interests and go against everything. And not only corporations are looking for relations with them, but also intellectual, promising partners. For obvious reasons, there are more «fiery» women where you can achieve and compete.
“A woman should be soft, gentle, caring, cautious and modest — this statement is familiar to everyone,” psychologist Ekaterina Antropova smiles. “About ten years ago, trainings devoted to the development of traditional female qualities were very popular in the market of psychological services: gentleness, patience, humility, slowness, intuitiveness. It was assumed that these qualities are the key to female happiness.
Of course, these characteristics can only benefit us if we dream of a married life in a certain type of family.
“As a family ideal, the students of the Women’s Courses were offered a patriarchal model in which a woman is responsible for the microcosm of the home, which includes relationships within the couple and within the family,” continues Ekaterina Antropova. “A man, on the other hand, is responsible for contact with the outside world, primarily for earning money and making financial decisions (for example, how to dispose of property).”
Burns vaguely
How was it supposed to cultivate a submissive wife in oneself, and what does the inner fire have to do with it? “Many coaches on female happiness insisted: the more a woman exudes yin energy, showing feminine traits, the more actively a man generates yang energy, which is expressed in passion, assertiveness, and activity. And this moves him forward, motivates him to build a career and earn more. For some, such a scheme worked, but someone crashed trying to follow it. There are many reasons, but one of the main ones is that all women are arranged differently, ”explains Ekaterina Antropova.
The idea that the storage of the hearth lies entirely on the shoulders of women can be not only harmful, but also dangerous. According to this logic, if a man does some ugly things, then his wife is to blame for them. But the relationship is the concern of two participants. And even more so, we should not be responsible for the inadequate actions and reactions of a partner: you can certainly accept babies, and a mature person pacifies (or does not pacify!) his demons on his own. We are not talking about the fact that trying to make relationships joyful is work for two.
Study at home, study at home, study at home…
But how do we even learn about different behaviors, including those that the leaders of women’s trainings talk about? “In many ways, our ideas depend on what qualities our parents welcomed in us when we were small. Parenting is an area where gender stereotypes are particularly strong. They manifest themselves in the attitudes that adults broadcast to children: “How can you be so sloppy, you’re a girl! Why are you fighting, you’re a girl! Why are you making such a noise, you’re a girl! Ekaterina Antropova says
Let’s remember what and why children of both sexes are taught. “The circle of traditional girlish activities (knitting, sewing, embroidery) contributes to the development of accuracy, perseverance, and patience. «Good» games for girls — to the hospital, to the store, to «daughters-mothers» — teach caring and building relationships between people. In adulthood, these functions are expected to fall on the shoulders of a woman: she raises, feeds, heals, maintains ties with relatives, including her husband’s relatives (often she remembers when his mother’s birthday is and is looking for a gift) ”, the expert explains.
But what about the boys? What games are traditionally considered suitable for future men?
“Approved games for boys are active, often including an element of competition, allowing you to get in touch with your strength and aggression (football, hockey, martial arts, “Cossack robbers”, etc.). From childhood, boys are trained to be leaders, and for this you need to be brave, strong, not afraid and not show emotions. Boys are shamed for showing fear, for being indecisive: “You act like a girl,” explains Ekaterina Antropova.
“Desired behaviors are encouraged, and unwanted ones are cut off: this is how feminine and masculine behavior is formed. Gender standards suggest that the ability for compassion and acceptance, kindness, receptivity, love of cleanliness, caring, modesty are feminine qualities. And passion, strength, courage, intelligence and the ability to analyze are qualities that are inherent in men. If a person clearly shows qualities or interests that are “located” on the territory of another gender, he may face condemnation, aggression and rejection — like one who refuses to play by the general rules, ”warns Ekaterina Antropova.
Gender mythology
Many myths of the peoples of the world are dedicated to rebellious ladies — usually in such stories the heroine inevitably pays for the fact that her behavior does not correspond to the accepted one.
The scenario of the «fiery woman» or the «yang» woman can be traced at the level of legends and myths — for example, the myth of Lilith, the first wife of Adam. If Adam was made of earth, then Lilith is made of fire. Adam demanded submission from her — and Lilith flew away from him, because she did not want to obey. Adam was inconsolable, and God, in order to dull his pain, put Adam to sleep, took out a rib and created another woman out of it. Externally — a copy of Lilith, she was submissive, ready to obey her husband, serve his goals and put him at the center of her world.
However, Adam could not forget his first wife, he continued to yearn for her and want her. Lilith was cursed and plunged into darkness, where, according to the myth-makers, she became the wife of Lucifer and the mother of numerous demons. They feared Lilith, believing that she not only torments men with sweet fantasies at night, but also drinks the blood of babies who were born by the descendants of Eve, says Ekaterina Antropova.
But where are the roots of this myth and its atypical «protagonist»? After all, every story is made up by people. And what can we learn from a goddess whose energy is fire?
“This myth is a clear product of a patriarchal culture, which is characterized by rigidly fixed gender roles, and therefore Lilith in it is a demon. That is, a “woman of fire” is a “bad” woman. She does not obey either God or her husband and encroaches on what belongs to a woman from the rib: at night she seduces her man and takes away the strength of her children.
Nevertheless, the image of Lilith, containing the shadowy sides of female nature, is extremely attractive — also because this woman is not afraid of either God or the devil. She uncompromisingly chooses herself and is not ready to give the wheel of her life to someone else. Oddly enough, many modern women who do not like patriarchal values and who want to be the mistresses of their own destiny want the same thing, ”explains Ekaterina Antropova.
So is it necessary to try to remake ourselves, go to the courses of Vedic wives and intensively grow softness, suppleness and other qualities that promise us happiness?
Most likely, such an undertaking will not be crowned with success. If we suppress those character traits that make us who we are, that bring success and satisfaction, can we be truly happy?
You should also not hang labels on the opposite sex if you dream not only of a career, but also of full-fledged partnerships. Surely in our vast world there is someone who dreams of meeting you. The strong and bright attract the strong and bright. It is unlikely that the creative and advanced Elon Musk will be interested in a quiet and submissive woman. But he definitely will not demand borscht and starched shirts from his wife.
Having an innate «fire», it is much easier to learn new things, build a career and not be afraid for your future. This means that we will be able to choose relationships not because we will disappear alone, but because we want to make our hearth a little more comfortable. Yes, and there are so many flames in us that it’s a sin not to share them.