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«I’m a bad mother!» — such a thought at least once visits any woman who has a child. And no wonder — many of us are under enormous pressure, both from our family and from society as a whole. There are many reasons, but one of the main ones is the choice we make: how to raise children, whether to combine motherhood and work … How to stop making excuses for it?
“But what about the children?!” — hears almost every woman who decides to combine motherhood and work. She hears — and a feeling of guilt overwhelms her head.
Far behind are the times when a child, as soon as he was a year old, went to the garden, and his mother went to her former job. It would seem that everything is possible now. Do you want to sit with your child right up to his first grade, selflessly immersing himself in all the nuances of upbringing and early development? You are welcome! Do you want to return to your favorite (or not so) job as soon as possible? Easily! Nanny (grandmother, husband) to help you!
Everything seems to be so easy and simple. But in fact, modern mothers are criticized from all sides, regardless of what choice they make.
Have you decided to «stay» on maternity leave in order to spend more time with your child? And what about the work? Have you decided to sit on your husband’s neck? And what will he talk to you about — about diapers? Because of this, everyone gets divorced — the wife becomes uninteresting to her husband. What if you are alone with your child? And who will hire you after a long decree?
With such “support”, most women experience guilt and a “bad mother” complex.
Decided to go to work early? And who will take care of the child? Why then at all was give birth? A child needs a mother, not money! You will still have time to work out, but the baby will grow up — you won’t even notice.
And, of course, one cannot do without comments from representatives of the older generation: “Yes, how do you swaddle!”, “We raised you without any mixtures and diapers, and nothing, somehow we raised them.” Let’s add here the hormonal changes in a woman’s body after pregnancy and childbirth, postpartum depression, and just the realization that the usual life has completely turned upside down and will never be the same. It is quite natural that with such “support”, most women feel guilty and have a “bad mother” complex.
The SelfMama educational project has been raising the issues of shaming mothers for several years, supporting women in their pursuit of self-realization and changing public opinion. This year, at the conference with the telling title “AKKaZheChildren?!” women who know about the feeling of guilt firsthand spoke.
Irina Gavrilova, blogger, mother of five
As a blogger, I often hear accusations that you bloggers are too perfect. But, of course, you always have to understand that in the photographs we are “at the parade”, but in life we are completely different, the same as everyone else. At the same time, many people think that bloggers do not work. I can walk with the children on the playground and at the same time place an advertising post, and mothers, grandmothers and nannies see this and say about me: “Me too, an ideal mother! He sits on the phone, and the children fall out.
Once I asked the subscribers: what are you accused of? There was something to say to almost everyone: both working mothers and those who are sitting at home. A special story is mothers of many children. Yes, I can afford a prestigious beauty salon, but sometimes I have to go there with my children, and if I’m with a baby, it means that already at the entrance to the salon my dress is turned upside down and I myself look like a mother from the cartoon «Beware of Monkeys». Salon employees look at me like in the movie «Pretty Woman», and we are the same members of society. So for me personally, the question of #aHowChildren is transforming into #aHowSociety.
Olga Nechaeva, entrepreneur, blogger, writer, mother of two
Any girl, running barefoot on the grass, hears from adults: “Don’t run barefoot, you still have to give birth! Do not sit in the cold — you will catch a cold appendages. It turns out that you are not like a full-fledged person with your own interests and dreams, but some kind of incubator … You are still gurgling on the table, but they already perceive you that way, and you need to be careful with you, because in the future you still have to give birth.
What happens then when we grow up? Society does not forget to remind that a mother must be perfect: to walk through the cornflower fields with wonderful plump children who have four languages and Mozart from infancy, and everyone is happy. And she did not get to this field with a stroller through potholes, but simply — once! — and ended up there. And we look, look at these pictures — in our kitchen, with unwashed hair, realizing that again we were late everywhere.
And if we suddenly want to work, then we become shrews — bad, irresponsible women who handed over their children to a nanny. I lived with this label for quite some time: when my first child was two months old, I went to work. And she was constantly forced to make excuses: “I had to! Circumstances compelled!
But one day the understanding came that I no longer want to live with this feeling of guilt, I don’t want to hide my “I want” behind this “should”. The acceptance of my desires came with the second child: I no longer had to run anywhere, but I realized that I just really want to work.
Time to exhale
What to do in a situation when you are all to blame and do everything wrong? Exhale! Understand that this is only your child and your life, and only you can decide how to manage it. There is no single universal instruction for different situations. But it is not needed, otherwise it would be dreary to live «under carbon copy».
Whatever you do, whatever path you choose, you are the best mother for your child, if only because you once decided to give him life and carried him under your heart. All children sometimes cry, act up, get sick, do not obey, and this is normal! And even if you suddenly do not know what to do with it, this is also normal.
You have already done the main thing for your child — you gave him life. All he needs now is food (whether breast milk or formula), sleep, warmth and care. All this can be given to him by you or any other person from your close circle.
According to psychiatrist and psychotherapist Maria Skryabina, the basic needs of the mother of a newborn are often not met, simply because the needs of loved ones come first. Mothers are waiting for support, but they get a reason for anxiety and doubt. Hear criticism in their address, exacerbating the feeling of guilt. It is important to learn how to use the principle of «divide and conquer»: to separate from yourself the guilt and personal history of external critics, to make informed, adult decisions and to be confident in yourself.