When we have been offended, betrayed or disappointed by a person dear to us, it is always difficult to give him a second chance. This is quite understandable, and at the same time, the ability to forgive lies at the heart of human relationships. When we abandon those who hurt us, we deprive ourselves of a lot.
Even though we are taught to forgive and give the opportunity to correct the mistakes of the past, not everyone is capable of this. University of Bremen psychologist Kati Hanke and University of Lisbon psychologist Christine-Melanie Voukler conducted a study of almost 42 people from 000 countries and concluded that people are more likely to forgive if the culture in the country presents forgiveness as a core value.
Hanke and Voukler found that the ability to give a second chance helps not only in personal relationships, but also on a global level: forgiveness is a decisive factor in coping with violence on a national scale. In other words, the ability to forget, let go, forgive can unite not only individuals, but entire nations.
Here are four reasons why forgiving can only help you:
1. When you forgive someone, you yourself feel happier. Research confirms that forgiveness primarily brings a sense of calm and joy to the person who forgives.
2. People can change. They learn from their mistakes, and by giving them this opportunity, you allow not only them to grow, but also yourself.
3. Forgiveness saves energy. Imagine that your car has broken down. It is repaired, but after repair it breaks down again. If you give it to another service, you will have to re-diagnose, because the new mechanics do not know anything about the breakdown. That means you have to start over.
It’s the same in relationships. Your partner made a mistake, you left him, met another, but this other has not yet made mistakes in relations with you and does not know what not to do. Thus, if you give a second chance to the first partner, he will not repeat the mistake and you will not have to go through the same pain again.
4. The same will happen to you one day. Look at the situation from a different angle and imagine that you need a second chance. Would you feel better if you were given the opportunity to improve? Whether it’s a car you need to fix or a relationship where you’ve made a mistake, it’s nice to know that someone will let you mend and make things right.
Objective Approach
Sometimes we make mistakes. Which is quite natural, because a person is imperfect: we are able to lie, change, manipulate, steal. It is normal to be jealous, feel pain, rejection and loneliness. And sometimes we sympathize with the guilty, forgive him, forget the bad and continue to love, no matter what.
We give a person a second chance, and some are so overwhelmed with love and compassion that they give a third and a fourth. But sometimes the opposite happens, and our offender has to stay with what he deserves.
In our personal lives, we often make decisions based on strong emotions: love, desire, fear. In addition, we give the opportunity to redeem the guilt of friends, colleagues, strangers that we encounter every day. Perhaps you are a boss whose subordinate has deceived your hopes. Or you got bad service in the store. You consciously or unconsciously consider whether the offender deserves a second chance.
Psychologists who work in prisons or in court are considered second chance experts. Relying on the experience of working with the accused and prisoners, they believe that it is necessary to approach the issue of a second chance objectively, which is usually closely related to the emotional attitude towards the subject and subject of the proceedings. Sometimes even representatives of the legal system are emotionally involved in the case, they cannot impartially assess the personality of the convict and turn to a psychologist for advice.
Does the defendant have the right to change the term to corrective labor? Is it necessary to limit his parental rights? Such cases are always connected with the attitude towards the personality of the defendant – he may be too young, too old, sick, he may have a difficult social history. Of course, the convict begs to believe him, vows never to break the law again. So forensic psychologists always have to approach second chance questions objectively, based on a certain system of evaluation.
Invite the offender to mentally go back in time and ask what he would have done differently.
In order to decide whether an offense deserves forgiveness, there are a number of things to consider.
- Always remember that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Ask yourself: is the act you are about to forgive an isolated incident or a pattern that has already been repeated many times and, therefore, is expected to be repeated in the future?
- Make sure the offender is truly remorseful. This is difficult, because manipulators are able to confuse with false repentance and tears, put pressure on sore spots and make them feel sorry for them. Take a closer look – is he really ashamed of what he has done, or is he just feeling sorry for himself and does not want to lose what you give him?
- Find out if the person understands what exactly he did and why it is bad. Test him, explain why what he did offended you. Will the abuser accept your accusations or start making excuses and arguing?
- Study his attitude to the problem or misconduct that he committed. Offer to mentally go back in time and ask him what he would have done differently. Then clarify why. Does he take the blame or blame everyone around him?
After that, study all four factors and try to evaluate them as objectively as possible. Remember that emotions always get in the way of a sober look at things. Decide what is best for you, the abuser, and your relationship.
When we have the opportunity to forgive someone, it is definitely worth using it. Forgiveness makes not only ourselves better, but the world around us.
About the Experts: Kati Hanke and Christine-Melanie Voukler are psychologists and authors of Forgiveness: An International Study in 30 Countries.