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A good person tends to be responsible for his actions. Although sometimes our sense of responsibility “rolls over”, becoming a heavy burden. We need to learn to distinguish between the productive guilt that drives us to fix our mistakes and change for the better, and the one that burdens our lives with useless burdens.
Alice reproaches herself for not opening her textbook yet, even though the exam is the day after tomorrow. Vadim cannot forgive himself for vacationing abroad when his father died at home from a heart attack. Veronica is depressed that for the sake of her children she could not prevent a difficult divorce …
Psychological science classifies the feeling of guilt – along with shame or pride – into the category of so-called “social” emotions that have formed in the course of the development of human society. So, thanks to a sense of guilt, or rather, wanting to avoid it, we restrain the manifestations of our aggression and other unconscious destructive impulses, correct our mistakes, listen to the feelings and pain of another person.
In this sense, it is the presence of guilt that distinguishes us from animals. It is it that warns us that we have somehow violated the laws of human society.
Descendants of Cain
But it also happens that this feeling of disturbing heaviness leans on us for no apparent reason. For theologians, this manifestation of guilt goes back to the very foundations of human existence. From the point of view of Judeo-Christian morality, we are all the fruits of sin and, therefore, through many generations are connected with Adam and Eve, who violated the ban (and if so, why not with Cain?).
For their sins and perjury at the dawn of human history, we seem to be condemned from the very beginning. Hence the feeling of guilt, connected already with the fact that we were born, that we are people insignificant before the Lord … But there are also more “fresh” reasons to feel guilty: didn’t our mothers suffer while giving birth to us ? Are we not eternally indebted to the parents who gave us life?
And yet, if guilt is so closely linked to being human, why do some of us suffer from it more than others? According to sociologists, this is a matter of chance and the conditions in which a person lives.
Proof of innocence
We are too often responsible for imaginary misdeeds, reminds the French psychologist Yves-Alexandre Talman. And he offers examples of vain self-accusations, as well as an exercise to dispel them.
It is not your fault:
- in misfortunes that happened to your loved ones;
- in their illnesses;
- that your parents loved you more than their other children;
- being neglected or abused as a child;
- that nature has endowed you with talent;
- that you are not very healthy;
- that your baby was born prematurely;
- that you were unable to breastfeed him;
- what gender your child is;
- in the problems your children face in school.
An exercise: make your own list of things that you are not guilty of.
After all, what are you really guilty of?
A trap… for a child
However, psychologists are sure that the measure of this feeling is a personal feature of each, because it is those whose parents managed to raise their child, instilling in him a guilt complex, who experience it very painfully.
“Usually this feeling appears at the moment when children are trying to achieve something on their own, but instead of support they receive a negative assessment of their actions from their mother or father,” explains psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. – The accusations and claims expressed are transformed into self-accusations – the children address them to themselves. They fall in a flurry, and the result of this “bombardment” is thoughts about their own failure, insolvency.”
What is the danger of groundless guilt? It destroys the personality, affects the quality of life, like the notorious fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey: because of it, the world around us is perceived with a touch of bitterness.
“This feeling can trap depression and even lead to suicidal thoughts,” warns Alexander Orlov. “This is a dangerous inhabitant of the inner world, you cannot ignore him.”
Buried in the depths of the unconscious, over time, guilt can flood the entire existence of a person who does not understand why he feels his own life as an unbearable burden.
Feelings of guilt give children a sense of belonging to what is happening with loved ones.
Many experts explore the “childish” roots of guilt. Why, for example, do children who are unwitting witnesses of the drama of loved ones – a family quarrel, divorce of parents, depression, illness or death of a relative – feel guilty, as if it was their fault or was caused by their “unfortunate” birth?
“Children are not yet able to assess the situation from the outside, they cannot change it, and the feeling of guilt gives them a sense of involvement in what is happening with their loved ones,” explains psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. “In addition, experiencing unconditional love for parents, the child cannot decide: “They are to blame” and unconsciously takes the blame.”
“Those of us who have not completely parted with the illusion of infant power over the world may come to the conclusion that it is easier to feel guilty than helpless,” adds French psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati.
Does this mean that behind the feeling of guilt there is a desire to control others, the world around and the events taking place in it? Of course, Moussa Nabati is sure: “In order to appease the feeling of guilt rooted in childhood, we will, on the one hand, be too strict with ourselves, unconsciously depriving ourselves of happiness, and on the other, try to atone for guilt by sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of others or trying to correct imaginary errors.
Get rid of the burden
So, we have reason to say to ourselves: the feeling that all the troubles are our fault comes from the depths of the unconscious and has nothing to do with reality. We all get into difficult situations at times, but the question is whether we make an effort to get out of them as soon as possible, or let circumstances crush us, indulging in self-blame.
We have a way to get rid of empty experiences – to understand ourselves by answering the main question: does the feeling that I experience help me change for the better or does it hang around my neck like a dead weight? And it will be easier to move forward!
In the zone of intimacy
Why does intrusion into someone else’s life give rise to guilt in one culture, while in another it is perceived as something natural? This happens because different societies have their own taboo topics inherent only to them, according to the prominent American social psychologist Kurt Lewin. “In the early 30s, he came from Germany to the United States and found that the Americans were more open than the Germans on some issues,” says psychologist Tatyana Rebeko. – To explain this phenomenon, he introduced the concept of “identity barrier”: all feelings, views, ideas that are outside of it, we can publish and discuss, and those that are inside (he called it “intimacy zone”), we can share only as a last resort and only with close people. If an outsider brings up a topic that belongs to our “intimacy zone”, it can be very painful, perceived as an intrusion and generates a sense of shame. And in our interlocutor, such an intrusion will cause a feeling of guilt. For example, for Americans, the “intimacy zone” is sex, and all other topics are open for discussion. And the Germans have a much wider “zone of intimacy” – it even includes political beliefs. If we turn to Russian culture, we can say that we quickly and easily reveal ourselves – and even secret, intimate areas can be open to prying eyes, if we feel trust in a person, here we can recall kitchen gatherings, intimate conversations with friends …