Bullying: talk, find out, act

How do you know that a child is being bullied at school if he has never spoken about it? What consequences will child psychological trauma have in the future? Should a teenager, by mobilizing his resources, cope with the problem on his own in order to become stronger and more independent, or is adult intervention necessary in case of violence at school?

School bullying is always a very complex process in which different parties take part: victims, offenders or persecutors, observers who sympathize with one side or another. All of them are in a continuous process of interaction, the nature of which is largely determined by the position in relation to what is happening adults and schools.

For us, parents, it is very important that the school for the child becomes a place of his comfortable stay, personal development, learning to build social ties and friendly relationships. Calm, friendly relationships in the classroom are often even more important than the quality of education. However, the psychological climate in children’s groups is far from parental expectations.

What is school violence?

School violence is understood as the use of physical, psychological and other types of negative impact on a child by other children and adolescents, as well as teachers. The term “bullying” is used in the same meaning: more often it describes bullying by a group of peers in relation to a child who is not able to protect himself.

School violence can be hidden from view. Do your children often tell you that some of your classmates are being harassed, offended, or bullied? Meanwhile, a third of all students experience something similar. Of the total number of cases of violence against children and adolescents, 19,7% are school violence: in 27,2% of cases — by teachers, in 72,8% of cases — by other students.

One reason for the prevalence of school bullying is the high level of tolerance for violence and abuse in our culture. Often the very concept of violence is blurred, and only extreme forms of influence that led to severe physical consequences or death of a person are included in it. Otherwise, unpunished cruelty against another person is considered quite acceptable.

Another reason is the boyish subculture of demonstrating superiority, leadership based on physical strength, aggressiveness, subjugation of the weaker.

The most common in the school environment is emotional or psychological abuse: insults, rude, offensive nicknames and nicknames, often using obscene words, unfounded accusations, slander, threats, denial of communication, complete disregard. It is especially difficult for a child to cope with psychological abuse by a teacher in elementary school.

At this time, the teacher is the most important adult for him (after his parents), he has a great influence on his development as a person, on the choice of his values. The attitude of the teacher, his evaluative opinion is very important for the child, and if the teacher evaluates one of the children as “bad”, the children believe this and adopt this assessment. His remarks about academic performance, appearance, ignoring the child lead to the fact that the student has a fear of forever remaining bad for the teacher and the class.

For example, during a medical examination at school, a third-grader boy was found to have nits, after which the teacher, in front of everyone, told him disgustedly: “Get away from me, nitty,” and ordered other children to move away from the boy, “so as not to get infected.” After that, the child refused to go to school, began to sleep badly, became irritable, and the parents brought him to see a psychologist.

Usually teachers do not show their negative attitude towards the child so clearly, but it, being constantly present, makes him suffer. A teacher who does not like a student has a lot of methods: habitually reduce grades (it is difficult to prove a teacher’s bias, because assessment is always subjective); negatively generalize, build any mistake into the system; ignore the achievements of the student or present them in a disadvantageous light for him, upset the child’s desire to be active.

What to do if a teacher harasses a small child?

If a teacher treats a child badly in elementary school, he usually loses interest in learning, has difficulty learning the material, and does worse. The student may begin to come up with various excuses for not going to school, or simply categorically refuses to go to class, often starts to catch colds, becomes more secretive, anxious, whiny.

First of all, reconsider your attitude towards expectations from the child, do not punish for bad grades, but find time for additional games, activities with him. Try to “talk” the child, talk heart to heart with him, find out what worries him, ask about relationships with classmates, teachers. If he sincerely talks about school problems, it is better to listen to him calmly, without judging the story and without showing violent emotions.

It is important for a child to understand that the love of parents does not decrease with each bad grade received, committed misconduct, that he can always, in any situation, count on their help and support. Even if it is not customary in the family to punish the child, too bright manifestation of emotions about bad grades, remarks in the diary, confession of wrongdoing leads to the fact that the child tries to protect his parents from these griefs, begins to hide all the events that can upset them.

If, after talking with the child, the parents understand that the teacher is oppressing him, that there is rejection in the class towards the son or daughter, rejection by classmates, it is first of all useful to analyze the possible causes of this situation. To begin with, it would be good to figure out if the parents themselves could not provoke the attitude of the teacher, bring aggression on the child?

The next step is to talk to the teacher, to establish contact with him: to find out his opinion about the behavior and success of the child, to offer him his help if he needs it. The situation in the classroom is easier to imagine if there is contact with other parents: it makes sense to discuss class matters and events together, to be aware of what is happening at school.

But the most important thing is to help the child feel more confident, to become part of the class. To do this, you can explain to him what behavior causes a negative reaction (for example, boasting, a desire to please the teacher, refusal to participate in common affairs, tearfulness), and what qualities are valued among peers; what can provoke aggression and how to extinguish it, how to adequately get out of unpleasant situations when the offender is stronger and more popular in the class.

You can “play” with the child different options for situations, thereby helping to develop certain algorithms of behavior for him.

The most important thing is to never remain indifferent to the problems of the child, not to hope that there is a simple solution or that everything will resolve itself …

Rookies are victims of teenage bullying

In adolescence, reactions to disrespectful or abusive treatment can be extremely acute. A teenager painfully perceives criticism that undermines his significance, self-confidence.

The situation of the appearance of a newcomer in the class is often associated with the theme of school bullying. So, after the first test in September, a 15-year-old girl who moved to a new school, the mathematics teacher said in front of the whole class: “With such knowledge of mathematics, you can only study at vocational schools.”

At the next lesson, the teacher invited those who “didn’t understand something” to come up to her with a summary. When the girl approached the teacher, she said, “Is this a synopsis?!” gave her a two. As a result, the girl took pills twice, trying to commit suicide. After working with a psychologist, she was transferred to another school, which she successfully completed.

A teenager who has come to an established team does not always know how to react to certain actions of classmates, what traditions exist in relationships. Acting in a non-standard way, he causes a response from other teenagers — from approval to complete rejection and the desire to «put the newcomer in his place.» The process of “testing the boundaries” begins: how will the newcomer react to the fact that he is “indicated a place” in one way or another, and what will he do if …

This process can captivate teenagers, lead from isolated cases of manifestation of a negative attitude to daily bullying. In the boyish subculture, the so-called tradition of “registering” a newcomer in the class often finds a place — checking “what he is worth” with the help of fists.

In general, bullying traditionally concerns relationships between boys, but in recent years, shocking evidence has also appeared of girls bullying their classmates: “This year I moved to another school, but most in the class do not want to accept me, everyone mocks me, comes up with offensive nicknames, hid my gym uniform, and then smeared it with paint. I get nasty text messages. I can not take it anymore…»

Escalation of violence

If emotional abuse by peers or older children at school is also associated with physical abuse, then parents will notice that the child often returns from school with signs of beatings, with bruises, in torn or soiled clothes, he will “disappear” pocket money, things , you can find his broken or damaged school supplies, while the explanations of what happened to him will always be awkward, inconsistent.

Physical bullying is much more common among boys. Teenagers who are bullied prefer to remain silent, because they believe that it is not masculine to “report” on a stalker, complaining humiliatingly, and often consider themselves guilty of what is happening. When parents demand an explanation, they prefer to lie about falling or fighting.

If parents suspect that a child is being beaten, it is important to find out the real reason as soon as possible. When a child is defenseless and cannot protect himself from violence, and the offender regularly asserts himself at the expense of a weaker one, violence escalates: not stopped in time, the persecutors begin to use increasingly harsh and humiliating methods of influence.

Talk to your child, help him understand that he is not to blame for what is happening (sometimes victims of bullying try to justify their offenders). Find opportunities together to resist their attacks, maybe there are guys in the circle of friends and classmates who can be attracted to your side. Convince the teenager of the need to involve teachers in solving the problem.

Portrait of the aggressor

Upbringing in a family where a negative attitude towards life and others on the part of the mother is practiced; atmosphere of dominance, authoritarianism in the family; parental conflicts between themselves and with other relatives, family traditions of violence against each other — all these are risk factors that form inclinations to violent behavior.

More often, boys act as offenders, but girls involved in bullying are not inferior to boys in their cruelty. The reasons for female school bullying are usually rivalry, envy, jealousy.

Offenders are of different types.

Aggressive abuser poisons not only the weak, but all. He is characterized by cruelty, low self-control, high self-esteem.

Anxious abuser similar to his victims in terms of psychological characteristics: low level of self-esteem, self-doubt, loneliness, emotional instability. You yourself may become a victim of bullying.

passive aggressor bullies others in self-defense and to gain status, his behavior is highly situational.

Although the aggressors give the impression of strong personalities to their victims, they are prone to depression and have many unresolved internal psychological problems, so their behavior is a kind of self-defense.

In addition to family patterns, the level of violence in the classroom is also determined by the school environment, by the extent to which teachers and students are tolerant of manifestations of bullying. An unhealthy psychological microclimate, an indifferent attitude towards colleagues and students is a serious risk factor. In large schools, it is more difficult to recognize violence, because abusers can remain anonymous for a long time, not attracting the attention of teachers.

How can you help a teenager who has been emotionally traumatized?

Teenagers defend their autonomy, hide some aspects of their lives from their parents, so the facts of school bullying are often revealed only when the teenager has suffered significant harm, psychological trauma, and the help of specialists is needed.

Parents need to be more careful if a teenager behaves unusually, is closed, depressed, or, conversely, aggressive, girls may show hysterical reactions. Children who are bullied do not talk about school life, about classmates, skip classes, avoid school events.

Communication with classmates after school becomes minimal or completely stops. Self-esteem is unstable, suicidal thoughts and statements may appear. Youthful maximalism paints the child’s world only in black colors: «Everything is bad, nothing can be changed!»

To help the child, the main thing is to maintain a trusting relationship with him in order to discuss and assess the situation together. Analyze together each of the parties: the teenager himself, his persecutors, observers. What drives them? How do they usually behave? What can change their behavior?

If emotional trauma does not allow the child to look at the situation from the outside, seek the help of a psychologist. Never leave your child alone with what happened. The task of an adult is to help him see ways out of this situation.

Do not force a teenager to go back to school after a trauma if the child has not been able to cope with its consequences. It is better to move to another class or another school: a change of scenery, a new team have a beneficial effect on the ability to survive a traumatic experience, allow you to go beyond the situation, see it and evaluate it from the outside.