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Why did my child become an outcast in the classroom? Can school bullying be prevented? Marina Akulova, an expert from the National Foundation for the Protection of Children from Cruelty, offers answers to these painful questions.
The helpless victim in our society does not always arouse sympathy. The weakness of the child, his humiliation can cause contempt and rejection among his peers. In adolescence, a negative attitude towards the victim of school violence often appears on the basis of the principle «it’s his own fault, he cannot fight back.»
The child experiences in this situation complete helplessness, hopelessness, hopelessness. He is possessed by fear of meeting with offenders, of new torments and bullying, shame for his helplessness and humiliation. The child-victim is also often characterized by self-blame and justification of the behavior of the aggressor.
Can a child independently protect himself in a situation of bullying, solve his internal psychological problems, the problems of the environment that has formed an environment favorable for violence, and emerge as a happy winner? This is usually only possible with the help of adults.
Who is more likely to be bullied at school?
The formation of stereotypes of the behavior of the “victim” is influenced by such factors as a long-term traumatic situation, domestic and sexual violence, upbringing aimed at suppressing the personality, and chronic diseases.
A child with a developed stereotypical behavior of a “victim” accepts violence against himself as an everyday situation, including by his behavior creates conditions conducive to “disinhibition” of the aggressor.
The victims of bullying are usually anxious, socially unprotected, silent and reserved children. They are fearful, sensitive, withdrawn and shy, insecure, unhappy, prone to depression and suicidal thoughts, lonely, have difficulty getting along with peers and communicate more easily with adults.
If they are boys, they may be physically weaker than their peers and more sensitive than other boys, with low self-esteem and suffering self-esteem. Such children are vulnerable and cannot stand up for themselves.
Children who did not attend kindergarten, were on individual education, it is more difficult to establish healthy relationships at school
Most often, these character traits are formed on the basis of features that distinguish them from the general mass of their peers. The reason for rejection may be ethnic or cultural affiliation, sexual orientation, belonging to a particular religious denomination, social status or other differences.
Children with developmental disabilities who have visible anatomical defects are often bullied. A child’s problems such as stuttering, enuresis, poor eyesight, and the need to wear glasses all the time can make him vulnerable. Skin color, being too tall or short, or other physical features can also be grounds for bullying at school.
Children who did not attend kindergartens rarely spent time with their peers in children’s groups, were in individual education, training, it is more difficult to establish healthy relationships in the school environment. Enthusiasm for any subject, occupation sometimes irritates peers. High or low intellectual abilities can cause a negative attitude of classmates.
How can bullying be prevented?
1. Invite your child’s classmates more often, and especially those to whom he sympathizes. If you have some unusual hobby that is interesting for children, you can tell your child’s peers about it. After all, if you can talk for hours about all kinds of car brands, then even the most notorious fighters will look into your mouth and after that they are unlikely to touch your child’s finger.
2. Create a «buffer zone» for him. To teach not to be afraid of classmates who have no less problems than him. To help the child become a member of the class team, and not just go to school «for knowledge» or under the coercion of parents. Remember that a child-outcast is important not only to outside observers, but also to people who do not give offense to him.
Along with teachers, this may also be a group of children sympathetic to him, constituting a kind of buffer zone. And since acts of violence at school most often occur not in front of teachers, but at recess, in the school yard and on playgrounds, such a “buffer zone” of children can help him in such situations.
3. Call not to accept the fate of the victim, but to rebel against it, attracting friends to your side. Do not show weakness and fear of the rapists, and instead of sobbing and asking for mercy, lash out at the persecutors, puzzling them with unexpected questions or at least knowledge of unflattering facts about themselves.
4. Develop adequate self-esteem. In the case of high self-esteem, explain that any person has an Achilles heel, and someone who excels in mathematics may lag behind in physical education, and vice versa, a winner in athletics may struggle with mathematics. All people are different, and abilities in some area are not a reason for boasting and demonstrating superiority over others.
What else can you do to help a child?
Don’t despair, support your child if he/she is the victim of school violence, and together look for resources to overcome the situation. Remind him that there are areas of life in which he feels confident, and there will always be those around who will help — classmates, relatives, parents. This will allow the child to regain self-esteem.
Often children justify their persecutor by blaming themselves for what is happening. It is necessary to discuss with the child the motives of the aggressor’s behavior: self-affirmation, psychological compensation for the violence experienced by himself, a kind of self-defense from the aggression of the outside world.
The solution may be simple, but a child under stress does not think to use the resources available to him. Sometimes the slightest intervention, a simple demonstration of the intention to defend oneself, is enough to stop the persecution.
This is the story of 45-year-old Elena: “I go for a walk with the dog at the same time and periodically meet a schoolboy of 12 years old, at this time he goes home from school. One autumn evening, walking past the stop, I saw him in the company of three teenagers who aggressively communicated with him, clearly demanding something. When I passed very close to the guys, the boy broke out of their circle and approached me: “Can I come with you?”
The situation was clear to me and to him. It turned out that teenagers meet him after school, take away money, call him names, but the boy does not want to tell his parents about this, because it is unpleasant for him to look like an informer, a weakling. I had to convince the boy to tell the adults about everything. “Or I have to do it,” I promised. It took the older brother just a couple of times to meet him from school so that the offenders would no longer appear.