Bullying at school: the offender and the victim

For a long time, we hardly talked about the persecution of some children by others. Not that the topic was deliberately hushed up — it, perhaps, was not given much importance. Parents and teachers intervened only when it came to physical violence, although bullying is not limited to them. Psychological abuse was not taken seriously for a long time. Well, just think, the children laugh at a classmate! Come on, don’t talk to him!

Adults, it seems, are only now beginning to think seriously about what kind of moral suffering the child-victim experiences, what deep trauma he receives and how it affects his future fate. “But it’s one thing to understand the danger of bullying theoretically, and quite another to see such a situation in your own child. And it’s not always easy to spot,” says Norwegian psychologist Christine Oudmeier in her book All for One. How to protect your child from bullying at school¹.

Signs of a victim

On the one hand, we do not want to see what we fear. On the other hand, the children themselves often hide the truth from us and pretend that everything is fine. Sometimes parents feel that the child is not all right, but can not find anything to cling to.

You should be concerned if your child:

• often receives insulting remarks in his address, he was repeatedly offended and ridiculed;
• inclined to obey other children;
• cannot protect himself from physical violence;
• comes home with bruises, abrasions, in torn clothes and cannot give a clear explanation for this;
• never takes part in group games;
• too often being the last to be invited to a game or team;
• does not have permanent friends, regularly falls into disfavour with classmates;
• tries to stay close to adults during breaks instead of playing with other children;
• has difficulty answering at the blackboard in front of the class;
• shows signs of fear or strong reluctance to go to school and extracurricular activities;
• lost interest in activities;
• never receives invitations to visit and does not invite anyone himself.

In addition, in bullying children, stress often manifests itself physiologically: they lose their appetite, suffer from nightmares, cry in their sleep, and suffer from headaches. Sometimes they may physically harm themselves, use alcohol or drugs.

These signs do not necessarily mean that a child is being bullied, but they should be taken into account.

Signs of an aggressor

It is not uncommon for parents to be shocked when they learn that their child is involved in bullying. Many admit that they could not imagine such a thing, especially if the child is polite, well-mannered, does well in school and has many friends.

But children involved in bullying are not always from dysfunctional families or have been abused themselves. They may turn out to be very popular teenagers among their peers with the makings of a leader, high status and good communication skills, who can never be suspected of wanting to humiliate their neighbor.

What should make you wary

• The child loves to assert himself and lead, manipulates other children in the game.
• The child divides the world into black and white: some people are very nice, while others are evil and therefore deserve a bad attitude.
• The child is too picky about who he agrees to communicate with.
• The child easily breaks down into negative judgments or actions in relation to other people, including over trifles.
• Unstable relationships with friends. For example, girls are often friends in pairs and cannot get along if there are three of them.
• It seems to you that the child likes to call names, harass, offend, ridicule or beat other children.
• You suspect that the child is aggressive, brash, capricious and stubborn beyond his age.

“It’s hard and embarrassing to find out that your child is a participant in bullying. But don’t give in to the popular belief that child abusers are hopeless,” urges Christine Oudmeier. It is a myth, as well as the fact that they will never admit the wrongness of their actions.

Changing a child is possible only with the help of adults. They will have to make sure that the environment does not turn away from the aggressor.

For a child who has been bullied, the support of parents and other adults is important. They can give him hope that his life and communication will change for the better, that not all children are aggressive, that he deserves love like everyone else, and does not have to endure his stress alone. Children are not able to cope alone with all the problems. Every child needs to be seen, heard and accepted.

¹ K. Audmeier “All for one. How to protect a child from bullying at school” (Alpina Publisher, 2016).