Nicknames are born in children’s groups. When children play together, they can also call names, but they do it less often than in a group. And as soon as a children’s company gathers, nicknames immediately begin. Why?
In 1980, the American psychologist Rom Hare and his colleagues conducted a study in the United States, a number of European and Arab countries on the role of nicknames in the children’s community. After examining about a thousand children aged 5 to 15 years, they came to the conclusion that one of the main reasons for assigning nicknames is the desire to separate “us” from “them”. Children who do not have nicknames may be considered insignificant by their peers. “Having a nickname means having some quality that deserves the attention of the community, even if this attention will not be entirely pleasant.”
Name-calling names (Fatty, Snotty, etc.) can be assigned by group leaders to show what not to be. Owners of such nicknames become examples of violations of the standards or norms of this group. With the help of nicknames, it is made clear what is acceptable in their community and what is not. The nicknames «Dumb» or «Scarecrow» are not necessarily given to the most stupid or sloppy children in the group, but to those who voluntarily endure humiliation, being a symbol of childish greed, slovenliness or laziness. Nicknames, understandable only to the initiated, allow children to feel their isolation, to convey secret information unknown even to those children to whom these nicknames refer.
On the other hand, the most offensive nicknames are assigned to those children who do not know how to fight back. Psychologist M.V. Osorina writes: «Name calling is always a test of the child’s I for psychological strength.» This is an inevitable, in her opinion, phenomenon in the process of forming a group, when it becomes clear who and what can claim in it.
Children learn to give each other nicknames from adults. Indeed, nicknames and nicknames are present in the lives of adults: from affectionate household nicknames to thieves’ nicknames, denoting the place occupied by the bearer of the nickname in the criminal environment. By the way, the researchers note that different cultures use different nicknames, for example, Arab countries are characterized by ridicule of physical defects, and in Japan, analogies with animals or insects are more often used. And although in adult culture nicknames have a certain symbolic meaning, and their bearers can be proud of their nickname, it is equally insulting for a child to be known among his peers as “Seal” or “Zhirtrest”. Yes, and the meaning of children’s nicknames is usually somewhat different.
Children love to be called names. Why do they so willingly repeat hurtful, abusive words? Firstly, they are attracted by the emotionality with which these words are pronounced by others. A swearing person usually “radiates” boundless self-confidence, his gestures are very expressive, a certain excitement and tension arise around him. Secondly, seeing that such words shock, anger, upset the one to whom they are addressed, children begin to use them to annoy and tease others. For them, swear words become another weapon of revenge.
Here are the main reasons children call each other names:
1. Aggression (conscious desire to offend, annoy, anger a peer).
2. Desire to get attention (the one you tease or those around you):
- a game (a teaser perceives name-calling as a fun game, attracting the attention of a peer, not intending to offend him);
- provocation (the teaser is aware that he is insulting his peer, but in this way seeks to provoke him into active actions, for example, to force him to chase himself, fight, accept a challenge);
- a joke (not so much wants to offend a friend as seeks to amuse others);
- self-affirmation (teaser deliberately insults a peer in order to humiliate him and stand out in the eyes of others, “put him in his place”, assert a leadership position).
3. Revenge (offended or humiliated child begins to tease the offender, especially if he cannot answer physically; he also acts out of envy).
It also happens that a child calls names unintentionally, not out of malice — the teaser does not understand that the other is offended, he is used to noting the features of those around him, to identify their characteristic features, for example, by comparing them with animals. Perhaps at home it is customary for him to reward each other with nicknames, and this does not offend anyone.
A funny thing happened to me once.
In our family, it was customary to call each other “bore”, it was said almost with admiration if a person demonstrated pedantry, accuracy, responsibility, but it was intended to convey a certain amount of fatigue from all this, they say, you do everything too neatly and accurately … We had many funny family stories connected with this word, and we never considered it offensive. But when I called my new acquaintance that, he was very offended by me, because for him it was a curse. I had to explain for a long time that I didn’t want to say anything bad to him. This incident taught me to be careful with words.
About appearance and nicknames
“The fact that he is a mattress was written on his face, guessed in his slow, sluggish movements, sounded in a deaf voice,” this is how those around the hero of Yu. Yakovlev’s story “Knight Vasya” see. Very often, offensive nicknames are “glued” to a child because of the peculiarities of his appearance.
The words spoken by a peer in the midst of a quarrel — «red», «bespectacled» or «nosy» — sink into the soul of the child, injure him. The child begins to feel inferior, loses self-confidence. But if a person whose opinion the child values (teacher, parents) tells him, as if in between times: “What a beautiful frame you have, it suits you so much, you have become so solid!” Or: “You are like the sun, with your arrival the room becomes brighter”, “You have a Greek profile, you have always envied people with such noses, not like I am snub-nosed …” Sometimes one such phrase can, if not increase a child’s self-esteem, then at least to reconcile with the peculiarities of his appearance, which is not always possible to achieve through long conversations on this topic.
It is necessary to be especially sensitive and attentive with children who have objective grounds for experiences. We are talking about children with various defects in appearance, for example, a noticeable birthmark, lameness, strabismus, etc. In this case, a lot depends on adults: parents can help the child deal with their shortcomings correctly, and educators and teachers can stop all kinds of nicknames and bullying in the bud. Czech psychologist Zdeněk Matejček believes that “our educational goal is not to protect the child from interest and prying eyes, but to take his unusualness for granted as a part of his Self and live with it, not paying attention to it. without making a problem out of it.
I would like to share one case from my practice.
I was just beginning to work as a school psychologist. One of my wards was a first-grader Tanya, we worked with her to develop attention. She appeared in the class two weeks after the start of classes, because she was ill with something, in addition, both indoors and outdoors, she always walked in a light cap, which she never took off. I could not find out from the class teacher what was the matter, and it was embarrassing to ask the girl herself.
Once I accompanied Tanya home after school, because her elder brother could not pick her up, and she told me: “You know, Lara wanted to take off my hat today, and I told her that there was a witch hiding there who would bewitch her! And she left me.» (Lara was a ringleader and a hooligan, and Tanya gave the impression of a quiet, inactive, weak girl.) I don’t remember what I answered Tanya, in my opinion, I praised her for her resourcefulness, Tanya perked up and said joyfully: “And I will soon be able to take off my hat “My hair has grown back!” And then I realized what was the matter — Tanya was ill with ringworm, and she had to be shaved bald. In order not to catch a cold and not be embarrassed to go to school, she wore this cap.
Of course, not only me, but also classmates (especially classmates) were intrigued by this cap that was never removed. And Tanya solved this situation, which was probably traumatic for her, in her own way — it doesn’t matter if she herself invented a witch, or her parents suggested it to her, it’s important that this image worked, it not only helped Tanya come to terms with her dissimilarity to the others, but, as it turned out, , protected from the annoying curiosity of peers. We reached the house, discussing Tanya’s illness — she got infected from a cat that we managed to save. And then I said to Tanya: “You know, you look like an enchanted princess, when the spell breaks, you take off your hat, and everyone will be surprised at how beautiful your hair is.” For me it was like that, I suddenly realized what a cheerful, friendly and charming girl Tanya is. And I was also very pleased and joyful that Tanya shared her secret with me.
It is not necessary to impose on the child stories about «Cinderella» or «The Ugly Duckling» as a consolation, but it is important that he has information about the success of people with a non-standard appearance (for me, actress Whoopi Goldberg, director Woody Allen, etc.) .
Bullying a child — learning to resist
It is almost impossible to avoid the appearance of teasers in the children’s team, but it is necessary to deal with them.
Parents and educators should not disregard the situation of children calling each other names. The task of the teacher is to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with the instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. It is necessary to discuss with the victim why others call names (take offense at him, want to attract his attention?). See →