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They seemed to be supposed to be our closest people, but for some reason the relationship does not add up. Can something be changed?
It is generally accepted that brothers and sisters must love each other, that one can always rely on the other. However, in reality, relationships may develop differently.
“There is a lot of fiction in our ideas about family life,” says psychotherapist Jean Seifer, author of The Legacy of Cain, a book about sibling relationships. — We are sure that «blood is thicker than water», that the family will be with you, even when others turn their backs on you … Sometimes this is true, but not everyone is lucky. It’s amazing how little people talk about it.»
Relationship problems between siblings are usually attributed to personal animosity between family members or other similar reasons. Of course, these factors play a role, but the main reason is deeper: it has to do with childhood, with the way your parents treated you.
Sibling relationships always start out as rivalries, with deeper kinship feelings coming later.
The relationship of parents with their brothers and sisters is undoubtedly reflected in the relationship between children in the family. When raising children, adults may subconsciously try to correct the problems of their own childhood.
“One of my cousins is much younger than her sister, and the mother decided that a small child should not bother a teenager,” Seifer says. “Therefore, a lock was inserted into the door from the eldest daughter’s room so that the youngest could not go inside without permission. The eldest was now picking up toys and locking herself in the room. How did it happen?
The girls’ mother was the eldest child in the family, and her younger sister was allowed to do everything. And what did the elder sister do when she became an adult? She tried to retroactively fix her life. As a result, my cousins don’t talk to each other anymore.»
Fortunately, not all conflicts between siblings end so sadly. In order to understand why some have broken off relations completely, while others live quietly together in the same room, it is necessary to realize that sibling relationships always begin as rivalries, and deeper kinship feelings come later.
“It all depends on how parents act: they can recognize the fact of rivalry and work with it, or, conversely, they can subtly encourage confrontation or deny there is a problem at all,” Seifer explains. “Parents are responsible for maintaining love and peace in the family, and if they do not do this, problems in the relationship between children are inevitable.”
You can try to solve these problems in adulthood. Here are seven suggestions from a therapist to help you do just that.
1. Be prepared for challenges
“Reconciliation is hard work,” Seifer says. Ask yourself: do you really want to change the relationship, or are you doing it just out of a sense of duty? You need good enough reasons to go through this difficult path. “There are a lot of failed attempts, a lot of misunderstandings, and all this can last for years,” she warns.
2. Look at your relationship with fresh eyes.
Accept the fact that your brother or sister sees things from their own point of view. “If you were the favorite of the family and your sibling is still mad about it, admit that you got more than he or she did,” Seifer advises. Sometimes even a simple recognition of a fact can change something dramatically.
If you were not the favorite, think about why it happened. Is your brother or sister to blame for being loved more? Or did the parents play their part?
3. Don’t look for excuses
“People come up with all sorts of excuses for not doing what they fear,” Seifer says. Think maybe you’re just afraid to take the first step? And do not be ashamed of this fear, it is quite natural, because the rejection of such an important person for you can be quite painful. If in the end you still manage to get closer, that’s great, if not, you won’t lose anything.
4. Forget about Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia)
Instead of trying to repair the relationship by occasionally commenting on photos on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia), be bolder in your desires. «People will respond better if you just say, ‘I want to fix this!’ Sayfer says. Be more open and sincere!
5. You don’t have to become best friends.
Let’s face it: is it possible for you to become friends forever if you’ve only spoken once in the past year? Try to turn your mutual dislike into a neutral relationship first.
6. Don’t Lose Hope
Your attempt at reconciliation may seem doomed from the start, but change is possible. «I think it’s one of the big things in life to go back and change something,» says Seifer. Some people are already in their 50s when their life circumstances change (for example, parents may become ill) and suddenly relationships between brothers and sisters improve. “Sometimes crises change lives for the better,” Seifer says.
7. If it doesn’t work, just accept it.
Life brings people together, but it can also separate them. “My husband and his brother took care of their elderly father together, but this communication completely killed the hope of rebuilding the relationship,” Seifer says. In her opinion, some relationships are so damaged that they simply cannot be restored. The only thing you can do is try to understand the brother or sister and transform the feeling of hatred into something less destructive.