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Our brothers and sisters influence our personality and life much more than you might think. Everything that we experienced together in childhood determines a lot both in our present and in the future. Brotherly bonds, jealousy or love – what does this relationship mean for each of us?
We have common parents and a common history, we grew up together. They know things about us that no one else knows, they remember what we have forgotten or do not want to remember. We were friends and hostile, competed and supported each other. Whether we like it or not, they are inextricably linked with us – forever.
From a single womb
“My sister and I never understood each other, our tastes, desires, ideals do not coincide,” says 39-year-old Larisa. It is difficult for us to talk about something serious so as not to quarrel. But I always feel that I am she, she is me. We are like two sides of the same coin.”
34-year-old Nikita, the middle of three brothers, admits that he does not like family holidays very much: “In the presence of our parents, we“ turn on ”a certain self-censorship. Our wives don’t get along very well. Children run, scream and do not allow to talk calmly. All this is stressful. Best of all, when you manage to get together with the three of your brothers, take your soul away, as in the good old days. Still, fraternal ties are incomparable to anything. ”
“The role of a brother or sister in shaping personality is very important, more important than the battle for the possession of motherly love,” says child psychologist Marcel Rufo (Marcel Rufo)1. At one time, Freud considered the relationship of brothers and sisters from the point of view of the Oedipus complex (the child dreams of expelling a parent of the same sex with him in order to take a place next to a parent of the opposite sex). But today psychology considers this problem more widely. “Brothers and sisters are united primarily by the fact that they are children in relation to their parents,” says analytically oriented psychotherapist Vitalina Chibis. “So they can identify with each other, care for each other, empathize.”
“Consolidated” relationships: kinship by choice?
Is it possible to talk about fraternal bonds between stepbrothers and sisters? After all, there is no blood relationship between them, they are, as it were, “appointed” to each other as relatives. “They live in the same family, their parents are married. Therefore, unconsciously, a half-brother or sister is perceived as “real,” says Vitalina Chibis. – Many of them say that they do not feel at all that they do not have common blood. On the contrary, they mention absolute mutual understanding, which is possible only between relatives.
Nevertheless, the new configuration creates difficulties for children: “The number of relatives increases, sometimes the position of children in seniority changes: the one who was the eldest can become the second or third,” explains Varvara Sidorova. – Therefore, the competition can be tougher than between relatives. This situation requires parents to be patient, courageous and attentive to their children. And sometimes the help of a psychotherapist will be useful.
The siblings share a unique experience—originating from the same mother’s womb, that “archaic site of brotherly bonding,” says clinical psychologist Francoise Peille, author of Hachette Pratique, brothers and sisters. , 2011): “In their fantasies, they imagine themselves as pieces of one body, and these fantasies are supported by their physical resemblance.”
To ensure that this initial connection is not interrupted, but strengthened, the position of the parents is important. “They should allow children to create their own world, their own union separate from the elders,” says family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. – It is in it that they have secrets from their parents, they set their own rules and can act together. Then they have a sense of unity.”
The bond with a brother or sister touches the deepest layers of our personality, forming the basis of our narcissism. At the same time, relations with brothers and sisters are by no means filled with the beautiful harmony that the word “brotherhood” seems to imply. “I don’t know on what basis we claim that the relationship is predominantly loving,” wrote Sigmund Freud, “we have enough examples of enmity between brothers and sisters in the mature period, and we can often state that this enmity has its origin from childhood or even observed from their very birth. But, on the other hand, there are many adults who treat with tenderness their brothers and sisters, who in childhood were in open constant enmity with them.2.
“I don’t remember our fights”
Anastasia, 28 years old, linguist
There are nine of us: five sisters and four brothers. Mikhail, the elder brother, is 34 years old, Tatyana, our younger sister, is 14 years old. It is not easy for us to get together, so there are six of us in the picture: Mikhail, Sasha and Lev could not come. I don’t remember that in childhood we quarreled, fought, specially offended each other or did nasty things, as, judging by the stories, other brothers and sisters do. Perhaps this is the merit of mom and dad.
The parental home for us is the center of gravity: we all gather here together. We drink tea, discuss news, latest events, play board games: another plus of the fact that there are a lot of us. Now Kostya lives with his parents with his family and four younger children (Sasha, Olya, Leva and Tatyana), I live in the house opposite, Masha and Dasha also settled nearby. The best time when we can all get together is the New Year holidays, Christmas days. Dad puts a live Christmas tree in the big room, we light candles, Sasha and Leva play the piano, all of us – but mostly dad – read poetry …
In general, I was never drawn to circles and companies: I had fun at home too. That’s why I don’t have many friends. And among them there are no those with whom I could discuss what I can talk about with a brother or sister. It always seemed to me: when a child has only one brother or sister, it is somehow wrong, boring. I wanted to have many children – it’s so easy and pleasant! Now I have two, and I began to understand that a child is not only joys, but also difficulties: you need to be able to talk with him, forgive his pranks … And our parents never looked like they were having a hard time with us.
inevitable jealousy
It all starts with the birth of your second child. It is always a drama for the elder, who will never again be the center of the family universe and, as Freud writes, “consciously considers what damage a newborn brother or sister can bring him.” From the very beginning, affection for the younger is colored by jealousy, hatred, and even the desire for his death, which are sometimes expressed with the greatest frankness.
“Now the elder will have to share parental love with the younger,” says Vitalina Chibis. “And even in the best case, when parents try not to single out anyone and give love to both children, the eldest cannot avoid jealousy and envy.” But the younger one will also have to experience these feelings, adds Varvara Sidorova: “After all, the older one will always be a competitor who is ahead of him in some way: he knows more and knows more, has the right to command.”
Paradoxically, the rivalry of jealous people has a creative beginning, helping the child to learn, to compare himself with others in order to become himself. “Those who grew up with a brother or sister are usually better involved in competitive relationships at school, at work,” notes Varvara Sidorova. “He has less sense of the total injustice of the world than someone who was an only child. These children know that they are not the center of the universe and that they are entitled not to everything, but to a part. In that sense, they are more protected.”
Love and hate
Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan coined the special word “hate-love” to express ambivalent brotherly feelings. The question is how these opposite principles will be balanced. “Sometimes my sister and I can quarrel to the nines,” admits 31-year-old Daria. “Though we really adore each other.”
Vitalina Chibis comments: “An adult is able to realize his jealousy and envy, to cope with them. Then he can accept the brother or sister, look at him or her more realistically.” If this work does not take place, mutual dislike may take over, which leads at best to indifference, at worst to severe enmity. Myths – about Abel and Cain, Romulus and Remus – figuratively reflected this collision, when it is impossible to bear the fact that you are no longer the only one, it is impossible to be yourself while there is another.
Sometimes, notes Varvara Sidorova, brothers and sisters dot the i’s after the death of their parents, for whose love they competed. “Already adults who live independent lives seem to take steps back and complete this inner work – either break off relationships, or, conversely, get closer.”
School of communication
“Parents gave each their own role,” says 28-year-old Polina. – I was “pretty”, and they didn’t support me very much – they say, everything will work out for you, “but your sister, poor thing …”. We were constantly pushing each other, and each had the feeling that she was depriving the other. Until now, I am afraid of taking something away from someone, although I don’t know what exactly.
In our relationships, unconscious projections of what we have experienced with brothers and sisters appear. Actually, the experience of life in society begins with brotherly relations – even before socialization begins in kindergarten, notes Marcel Rufo. And its main tool is the game. This is the territory on which the child builds imaginary worlds, experiments with roles, learns to make rules and break them. Every success, every failure helps him understand his place and adjust his strategies. These strategies continue to work well into adulthood.
“For example, if a brother or sister caused strong envy, then, as an adult, a person can unconsciously treat others in the same way – colleagues, partner, friends,” explains Vitalina Chibis. “Conversely, the experience of a warm brotherhood increases the likelihood that other relationships will be good, especially in personal life.”
“After the “case of the Lyapunov sisters”, we continued to walk through life in similar ways”
Elena, 77, and Natalia, 76, biologists
“My sister and I are absolutely different,” says Natalia. – I am a green-eyed blonde, she is a brown-eyed brunette, we have different characters, temperament. Even when I was studying, I bought lunch at the buffet, left it on the table and ran to look for Lyalya so that she would come and eat. And I still worry about everything … I always make sure that everyone has everything at the festive table, and at this time my sister calmly conducts secular conversation. There were tense moments in our relationship, but extremely rarely. We always complemented each other, did not compete, did not share anything: we had everything in common.
Our biographies are also similar: we graduated from the Faculty of Biology, went to genetics, became doctors of science. From childhood, we were surrounded by friends of parents and their children, led an intellectually rich life. On my father’s initiative, a “Children’s Scientific Society” appeared in our house3. In high school and later, when we were already students, under the guidance of my father, we studied the foundations of the then forbidden science – genetics. As a result, in 1956 we were accused of participating in a “secret circle” and summoned to a party and Komsomol meeting. Lyalya answered them impassively, and I tried to convey that it is impossible without genetics, that we did not violate any laws. But as a result of the high-profile “case of the Lyapunov sisters,” we were still reprimanded. I was terribly offended, I drank sedatives, began to smoke. And Lyalya, more steadfast and calm, told me: “Tuska! Are you paying attention to it? Yes, what are you!
Lead and follower
Senior, middle, junior … – a place in the family is essential for the formation of character and lifestyle. Irina grew up with a younger brother, and her husband had an older brother. And although her husband is 11 years older than Irina, she becomes the “engine” in all family affairs. A new job for her and her husband, summer holidays, moving to another apartment – all initiatives come from her.
“Older children continue to be “senior” in relationships with a partner: guardians, guides, set the tone,” explains Varvara Sidorova. “And the younger ones tend to be led. If the “senior” and “younger” marry, then their relationship is easier: the partners take on familiar roles. In the union of two “senior” begins the struggle for power. And vice versa, the two “younger” ones will compete to see who will give up power first.” This is confirmed by the research of psychologist Walter Toman, who collected data on thousands of families and showed that people occupying the same position in the birth order have similar psychological characteristics.4.
Moreover, the founder of individual psychology, Alfred Adler, who considered the “dominance instinct” as a fundamental category of mental life, argued that brothers and sisters who were placed in a humiliated position (for example, if the child was suppressed by the elder or “dethroned” by the younger) developed megalomania, self-confidence, a tendency to slander, as well as a constant search for excuses designed to compensate for their real or perceived weakness.
And yet this is only a trend, not a strict rule, emphasizes Vitalina Chibis. “Either we remain hostages of the family script that has been in place since birth, or we rework it, rethink it, and then we can go a different, self-chosen path.”
In each individual case, the relationship between brothers and sisters has its own history, marked by special trials. She teaches us about life with its sorrows and joys, blows and gifts of fate, helps us find our place and open up to other people. And children give us the opportunity to relive the many conflicts of our own childhood. It is good if a relationship with a brother or sister enriches their life. To a large extent, it depends on us.
One two three four…
Tell me your “number” and I’ll tell you who you are… The order of birth largely determines the characteristics of our personality.
Older – Responsible, conscientious, ambitious. He often has leadership qualities. He is observant, wants to understand the rules of adults, imitates his father in many ways. He tries to please everyone, he is afraid not to justify the hopes placed on him by his family. Usually pretty brave.
Average – affectionate and sensual child. Prefers to act in such a way that others are happy, rather than obey the rules. Inventive, creative, he needs external stimuli: bright colors, strong tastes. The most independent from the family, easily accepts values from people “from outside”.
Jr more than other children are attached to the mother. Carefree, optimistic, he is ready to accept someone else’s patronage. His behavior is difficult to predict: he copies older children, but always in different ways. Sometimes he deliberately teases them, maneuvers, bypasses the rules. He is used to having everything decided for him, and may have difficulty making his own decisions.
1 M. Rufo “Brothers and sisters, the disease of love” (U-Factoria, 2006).
2 Z. Freud “The Interpretation of Dreams” (Eksmo, 2013).
3 The father of Elena and Natalia is the mathematician Alexei Lyapunov, one of the founders of cybernetics.
4 W. Toman «Family Therapy and Sibling Position» (J. Aronson, 1988).