Brothers and sisters: why so much enmity?

Conflicts between siblings usually end in adolescence. “After several years of violent showdown, children finally get the chance to become real brothers and sisters to each other,” says child psychotherapist Marcel Rufo. — When the younger one is just entering adolescence, and the older one, for example, is experiencing its heyday, their rapprochement is facilitated. They understand each other better because each now knows what suffering is and supports the other in the fight against adults for their rights. They are also united by the realization that they have a common family past … «

However, sometimes conflicts continue into adulthood. They may flare up again during telephone arguments, family dinners, or even a chance meeting, with siblings attacking each other with such rage as if they hadn’t really matured yet. Why can’t some of us «bury the hatchet»?

All children’s grievances and experiences are stored in the unconscious. The slightest reason — and we again experience envy, anger, hatred. It is especially difficult for those who suffered in childhood, and as adults, continue to live in the world of childhood insults, stubbornly refusing to part with them, understand and forgive, and therefore change. Here are a few typical situations that doom us to many years of mutual hostility.

“My brother shouldn’t have been born at all!”

“I hated my brother as soon as my mother returned from the hospital with him,” recalls 38-year-old Elena. “I was two years old then, but I remember how they put him in my crib and how I screamed: “My bye-bye, I want my bye-bye, take it away!” I was indignant, I did not understand why «this» was brought here. Since then, I have not been able to love him … «

“We can hardly remember exactly what happened to us at such an early age,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Most likely, Elena’s parents retold this story more than once, turning it into a functional family myth, and thereby more or less consciously introduced hostility into the relationship between the two children.”

Indeed, was it really necessary to put the «brand new» son in the daughter’s bed? The girl took it as a direct message: he will take your place. Which, from her point of view, later happened.

“A child cannot afford to consciously hate his mother,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. “But not to love your brother – although he is not to blame for anything in himself – although it’s not good, it’s still possible.”

It seems paradoxical, but rivalry between children suits some parents: it allows them to feel their exclusive parental authority, and also … to continue to settle scores with their own brothers and sisters.

“Involuntarily cultivating rivalry between children, they get stuck in their own past,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. «Telling a son or daughter, ‘That’s what it’s like to be the eldest (youngest)!’, they try to share their pain and bitterness with their children, often without realizing how cruel they are.»

In large families, where there are four or five children, everyone has their own well-defined place, and they compete less often. “Even when there are three children, the intensity of passions is already somewhat less,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “The birth of the third one changes the relationship between the first two: it’s better to play hide-and-seek with Vasya, and it’s more interesting to draw with Manya, and sometimes they both ignore me … The topic of “hatred” still comes up more often when there are two children.”

«My brother had a better chance»

In the Confession, Blessed Augustine describes the dismay of a little boy at the sight of his younger brother crouched at his mother’s breast. Realizing that he himself is already too big to feed on breast milk, the child nevertheless dreams about this and envies the bliss of his brother.

“To wish is to wish for another,” said the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan. We often desire someone else’s thing, not because we like it, but because the other desires it and possesses it. Thus, envy and jealousy in children’s relationships between brothers and sisters are inevitable.

The chances of continuing to hate each other increase if we, blinded by envy and unable to give up our claims, cannot find our own desires, our own life. When we fail to do this, we begin to blame the sister or brother for the fact that it was he (a) who deprived us of the happiness due to us and prevented (a) from succeeding in life.

The difference in the level and lifestyle exacerbates everything that went wrong in childhood relationships. So, 29-year-old Alexandra was shocked not to receive an invitation to her younger sister’s wedding — due to the fact that «she could make an unfavorable impression on the guests,» as the newlywed said.

When relations reach this degree of hostility, the prospect of reconciliation seems highly utopian. Even in the case when there are no such truly exceptional circumstances as betrayal, violation of this word.

«My sister has always been a favorite»

“My parents were always worried only about my sister – both when she was sick a lot as a child, and now, when their “poor baby” is already over 30 and she feels great, absolutely indifferent to everyone and to them in particular, the 37-year-old is indignant Irina. “They believe that I myself am able to cope with any situation, and they don’t even realize how much bitterness and sadness in my life and how hard it is for me to be alone.”

The words “think a little about your sister (brother)” are perceived as “she (he) needs love and protection more than you.” It is difficult for a child to endure, it is not easy to accept when you become an adult: such an attitude of parents devalues ​​our existence. And just like in childhood, we feel that we are not understood, not recognized, not appreciated …

“But none of the children can know exactly the motives for the selective love of their parents,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. — After all, it is likely that Irina’s younger sister is «poor thing» only because her birth was, for example, an attempt to save a disintegrating marriage between her parents. So, in a sense, the long-term talk about the “poor thing” is actually a call from parents for help: you are strong, young, help us.

«I was forced to love my brother»

The birth of the youngest, as a rule, does not cause euphoria in the elder. At best, he feels something like this: «I like my brother (sister), but I also liked it when dad and mom had only me.» But parents cannot be satisfied with such an attitude towards the newborn; they want close relationships to be established between the children from the very beginning.

“When my sister was born,” recalls 31-year-old Valery, “the first thing my grandmother asked me was: “Do you love Musya?” I was nine years old, and I was surprised: “How can I love someone whom I have not even seen yet?” When my family realized that I was not at all enthusiastic about Musiechka, they began to talk to me coldly and hostilely, as if I had offended them. In response, I withdrew, moved away, and over time, the whole family waved their hand at me. Now my sister and I only meet at our parents’ birthdays, we send messages to each other on our birthdays, and that’s it.»

Relationship patterns between children are very stable. “If Valery’s parents hadn’t forced him to love his sister, everything could have turned out differently,” says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. By forbidding children to openly express what they feel, parents achieve the opposite result: hidden conflicts, jealousy, envy and hostility appear. And vice versa, when they understand and respect the feelings of everyone, it is easier for children to cope with experiences and free themselves from their grievances.

«We do not have anything in common»

“We have a ten-year difference with my brother,” 34-year-old Inga writes on the forum of our site. “We have nothing to talk about with each other: we were brought up differently: I was strict, and he was spoiled.”

Hostility between children is greatest when the siblings are between two and four years old. “Older children still have a little strength to cope with their natural negative emotions — envy, aggressiveness and anxiety, which are caused in them by the appearance of a rival in the house,” comments Alexander Chernikov. “With a difference of more than four years, there is less aggression in the relationship, with the exception of cases when parents openly single out one of the children or, on the contrary, intentionally show “equal” love.”

According to experts, it is impossible to love your children “equally”, and it is not necessary: ​​they are really different — in age, character and interests, and each of them needs to be given what he needs at the moment so that he has the opportunity to live. and grow. If each of the brothers and sisters receives their share of acceptance and recognition from their parents, the relationship between them will also be based on acceptance and respect for each other.