Contents
Abstract
Having another child, parents dream that the children would be friends with each other, that the elder would help the younger one, giving the mother time to rest or do other things. But in reality, the appearance of another child in the family is often accompanied by numerous childhood experiences, jealousy, resentment, quarrels and even fights.
World communication experts and best-selling authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have decided to dedicate an entire book to this problem. With illustrative examples, short rules and funny comics, they show in which situations it is necessary to intervene in the conflict, and in which — to help the children come to a compromise on their own. Why is it important, when evaluating the behavior of children, not to compare them with each other. How to make children feel that even if they cannot get all the attention of their parents, all the toys, the whole room, and they have to share with brothers and sisters, parental love does not need to be shared, there is enough for everyone, and they can always count on it.
In this book you will find:
- Four Ways to Help Children Express Negative Feelings without hurting others.
- Ten Techniques to Help You Communicate with Arguing Children in a Way managed to find a solution their problems.
- Way to help children deal with those problemswhich they cannot deal with on their own.
- Techniques that will allow you to treat children differently, but at the same time stay fair.
Effective alternatives to comparing children to each other.
- A way to look at relationships between your children with new point of view.
- Comparison of Common Methods ending disputes between children, that harm them, and new ways that bring only benefit.
- Techniques to help any child be himself, Don’t compare yourself to your brother or sister.
How did this book come about?
While working on the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, we ran into a problem. The chapter on sibling rivalry was way out of line. We told only half of what we wanted, and we have already got more than a hundred pages. We were desperately shortening, squeezing, deleting — we needed to bring this chapter in line with the rest. But the more we tried, the more we suffered.
Gradually, the truth was revealed to us. To talk about the rivalry of brothers and sisters, a separate book is needed. Once the decision was made, everything fell into place. In the first book, we included information about how parents can cope with the most serious problems, and in this book we decided to talk about how we ourselves suffered, struggling with our own children, who constantly competed with each other. We decided to share the knowledge of the most useful principles that the famous child psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott taught us when we went to classes in his parent group. We decided to tell about what we learned in our own families, what we read in other books and learned in endless disputes with each other. We decided to talk about the experiences of parents who participated in our seminars on the problems of rivalry between brothers and sisters.
It became clear to us that through our lecture programs we had an incredible opportunity to connect with parents across the country and discuss with them the issue of sibling rivalry. Wherever we went, it was enough just to mention this issue, as we received an instant and violent reaction.
«Because of their fights, I’m ready to climb the wall.»
“I don’t know what will happen first: either they will kill each other, or I will kill them myself.”
“Every one of my kids is fine with me, but as soon as they get together, I can’t handle any of them.”
It became quite obvious to us that this problem is very common and very serious. The more we talked with parents about the relationship between their children, the more we became convinced that this dynamic creates enormous stress for the family. Imagine two children competing for the love and attention of their parents. Add to these feelings the envy that each feels for the success of the other, and the resentment of the privileges received by another brother or sister. Children suffer because they have to be offended by their own brothers and sisters. It is not difficult to understand why this problem is so serious for any family. The relationship between brothers and sisters is a real emotional dynamite, leading to the strongest explosions every day.
We thought, “Is it possible to advocate rivalry between brothers and sisters? This problem is detrimental to parents. But, perhaps, it is something useful for children?
We have read many books on the benefits of conflict between brothers and sisters. By fighting for dominance over each other, children become more resilient and resilient. Endless disputes and quarrels teach them to think quickly and energetically. Verbal squabbles show children the difference between showing intelligence and showing resentment. Living together, children learn to adapt, defend themselves, seek compromises. And sometimes envy of the special abilities of a brother or sister makes a child work harder and more persistently and achieve real success.
These are the positive aspects of sibling rivalry, but there are also negative ones: parents were convinced that it demoralizes one or both children and causes them great harm. We decided to focus on the common causes of this constant rivalry.
Where does all this come from? Professional psychologists will agree that the origins of brotherly and sisterly jealousy lie in the strongest desire of every child to enjoy the love and attention of parents undividedly. Where does this longing to be one and only come from? Mother and father provide the child with everything that is necessary for survival and happiness: food, shelter, tenderness, care, a sense of identity, a sense of self-worth and specialness. Parental love and help support the child and teach him to cope with the complexities of the world around him.
Why does the presence of brothers and sisters darken the life of a child? Brothers and sisters threaten the sense of well-being. The very existence of other children in the family for each of them means a REDUCTION of everything. Less time can be spent alone with parents, they pay less attention to the problems and disappointments of each child and appreciate his achievements less. But the most terrible thought is: “If mom and dad direct all their love and attention to my brother and sister, then they value them more than me. And if they value them more than me, then I’m worth less. And if I cost less, then I have serious problems.
It’s no wonder kids struggle so desperately to be the first of the best, or simply the best. They want EVERYTHING: all mommy, all daddy, all toys, all goodies, all space.
Parents face an incredibly difficult problem! They have to look for ways to convince each child that he is completely safe, that he is special, loved. They need to convince the young antagonists that it’s much better to share and cooperate. They have to work hard to ensure that competing children one day learn to treat each other as a source of joy and support.
How do parents cope with this difficult task? To find out, we have developed a special questionnaire.
- What are you doing to help children build relationships with each other?
- What are your actions that only aggravate the situation in the family?
- Do you remember the things your parents did that increased the animosity between you and your siblings?
- What actions did they take to lessen this hostility?
We asked people about how they felt about siblings as children and how they feel about them now, as well as what should be covered in a book on sibling rivalry.
At the same time, we talked to people in person. We have accumulated thousands of hours of audio recordings of conversations with men, women and children from ages 3 to 88.
Finally, we’ve put it all together, the old material and the new. We have held several workshops (XNUMX sessions each) on the issue of sibling rivalry. Some of the parents who took part in these sessions were optimistic from the very beginning, but there were also skeptics (“Yes, of course, but you don’t know my children!”). Some were already quite desperate and were ready for anything. All of them took an active part in our seminars — taking notes, asking questions, participating in role-playing games, sharing with each other the results of their own experiments in their home «laboratories».
Based on these seminars and on the work we have done in the past years, we are finally convinced that parents are able to change the situation in the family.
We can either increase the rivalry or weaken it. We can escalate hostile feelings, or resolve them completely safely. We can heat things up or teach children to cooperate with each other.
Our attitude and our words have a huge impact. When the War of Brothers and Sisters begins, we should not suffer, get angry or feel completely helpless. Armed with new skills and new understanding, we can restore peace between them.
To simplify our book, we combined into a single person, and also combined our six children into two boys, and all the groups that we participated in together or separately into one. So we had to make certain changes. Everything else in this book — thoughts, feelings, life experiences — is absolutely reliable. So it was!
Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
Chapter 1
I secretly believed that sibling rivalry only happened in other families, not in ours.
In the depths of my soul, there was a timid thought that I would be able to defeat the green-eyed monster of jealousy. I will never make those obvious mistakes that other parents make and that make their children jealous of each other. I will never compare, never take sides. I will never have favorites. If both boys know that I love them equally, they will not quarrel and fight. And why should they quarrel?
Maybe not because of what, but they managed to find a reason.
All day, from the moment they open their eyes to the minute they both fall asleep, they do nothing but try to annoy each other.
This drives me crazy. I can’t handle the cruelty they show each other, and the endless arguments and fights just drain my strength.
What is wrong with them?
What’s wrong with me?
I did not rest until I shared my fears with other members of Dr. Ginott’s parent group. What happiness for me was the thought that I was not alone in my suffering! I wasn’t the only one who had to deal with constant gooey nicknames, pushes, pinches, screams and tantrums. I didn’t go to bed alone with a heavy heart, exhausted nerves and a feeling of complete impotence.
You can say that you grew up in a family with several children, so you are ready for this. However, most of the parents in our group were completely unprepared for the antagonism between their own children. Even now, many years later, working on the program of the first seminar devoted to the problem of rivalry between brothers and sisters, I understand that nothing has changed. People vying with each other tell me about how their rosy expectations do not correspond to ge.e.y reality.
“I had another child: I wanted Christy to have a sister, so that they could play together, so that they would have support in life. And now she has a sister and she hates her. Christy’s only dream is that I «send her back.»
“I always thought that my boys would be friends. Although they fought at home, I was sure that in the outside world they supported each other. I almost died when I found out that my oldest was a member of a group that tortured and oppressed my youngest.»
“I myself grew up next to the brothers and I knew that the boys were fighting, but the girls seemed different to me. My three daughters turned out to be real boys. And the worst thing is that they have memories like elephants! They never forget what the sisters did to them last week, last month, last year. And they never forgive!
“I was an only child. I felt like I was doing Dara a huge favor by having Gregory. I was so naive that I thought that they would automatically fall in love with each other. Everything was wonderful until he started walking and talking. I keep telling myself, “When they get older, everything will be fine again.” But things only get worse. Now Gregory is six and Dara is nine years old. She wants everything he has. He wants everything she has. They cannot live a minute without fighting or quarreling. And both pester me: “Why did you get him?”, “Why did you get her?”, “Why am I not your only child?”.
“I wanted to avoid sibling rivalry by providing enough space for the kids. My daughter-in-law told me that children should be born one after another, so that they play like puppies. I did just that — and my children fought and quarreled incessantly. Then I read a book that said children should be three years apart. I tried to do so, and then the older one teamed up with the middle one against the younger one. Four years later, I gave birth to my next child, and now they all come running to me in tears. The younger ones complain that the older ones “stick and command”, and they are unhappy that the younger ones never listen to them. All in all, it didn’t work out for me.»
“I never understood why people talk so much about sibling rivalry: I didn’t know any problems until my son and daughter were young. Now they are teenagers and constantly quarrel. They can’t be around for even a couple of minutes without arguing or fighting.»
I listened to these stories and thought: “Why are they so surprised? Have they forgotten their own childhood? Why can’t they remember relationships with their siblings? And I? Why doesn’t my family experience help me? Maybe because I am the youngest, and my brother and sister were much older than me? I’ve never seen two boys grow up together.»
When I shared my thoughts with the group, people immediately agreed with me. They had a different number of children of different age and sex. They themselves grew up in completely different families. People said that their views on family education differ. One father quipped, “Being a kid who starts a fight is not the same as being a parent who needs to break it up!”
But as we enumerated the differences between past and present families, old and very strong memories began to awaken. Everyone wanted to say something, and it gradually became clear that the whole group consisted of former brothers and sisters, overwhelmed with strong emotions.
“I remember how angry I was when my older brother laughed at me. My parents told me over and over, «If you don’t react, he won’t molest you.» But I still resented it. He brought me to tears, he could say: “Get your toothbrush and go. Nobody loves you here.» It always worked – I cried every time.”
“My brother also teased me all the time. Once, when I was about eight years old, he tried to knock me off my bike. I got so angry that I said to myself, “Enough! This needs to be stopped.» I came to the house and called the rescue operator. (We lived in a small town and didn’t have direct phones.) I said, «I need the police.» The operator replied: “Well…” Then my mother came in and told me to put the t.e.u. She did not yell at me, but promised that she would talk to her father about it.
When my father came home from work that evening, I pretended to be asleep, but he woke me up. He only said, «You can’t show your anger this way.» At first I felt relieved that I was not going to be punished. But then I was overcome by a feeling of resentment and helplessness — I remember it to this day.
“My brother was not allowed to hurt me, no matter what I did. I was «daddy’s girl». I was allowed everything, and I did terrible things. Once I poured hot bacon grease on my brother, another time I poked him with a fork. Sometimes he tried to stop me by knocking me to the ground. But as soon as he let me go, I immediately attacked him. Once, when my parents were not at home, my brother hit me in the face. I still have a scar under my eye. That was it, I never fought him again.»
“In my family, fights were not allowed. And point. My brother and I were not even allowed to swear. Although we did not love each other, we did not quarrel. Why? We just weren’t allowed. We were told: “He is your brother. You must love him.» I could say, «But, ma, he’s bugging me, and generally he’s selfish.» “It doesn’t matter,” Mom said. «You must love him.» Therefore, all my resentment accumulated inside. I was afraid of what might happen if these feelings come out.”
People talked about their brothers and sisters, and their words threw me further and further into the past. Old pain and resentment woke up in me. Were these scenarios different from those that parents just described when talking about their children? The situations and participants were different, but the feelings they engendered remained the same.
“Perhaps the generations are not so different from each other,” someone remarked bitterly. “Maybe we just need to accept that siblings are natural rivals.
“Not necessarily,” said one of the men. “My brother and I had a great relationship from the very beginning. When I was little, my mother always made him look after me, and he never resented it. Even when she demanded that he not go for a walk and make sure that I drank my bottle to the end, he did not take offense. I didn’t want to finish my meal, and he didn’t want to wait, so he just finished everything for me. And then we went together to his friends.
Everyone laughed.
“It reminded me of my relationship with my sister,” said one woman. We were inseparable, especially as teenagers. We united when we wanted to punish the mother. If she scolded or punished us, we went on a hunger strike — one by one. This drove my mother crazy, because she was worried about our thinness. She made us drink egg yolks and milkshakes. When we stopped eating, it was the worst punishment for her. But secretly from her, we ate slowly. The one that did not starve carried food to the one that was starving.
The woman paused and frowned.
“But the younger sister is a completely different matter. I never loved her. She was born ten years after me. The sun began to rise and set with the «baby». In my opinion, she is just a spoiled toadstool and has remained so forever.
“Perhaps the older sisters say the same about me,” another woman sighed. “They were eight and twelve when I was born. I think they were very jealous — I was always my father’s favorite. I had a lot of things that they didn’t give. By the time I was born, the family’s financial situation had improved markedly, and I was the only one who managed to graduate from college. Both my sisters got married at nineteen.
After the death of my father, my mother and I became very close. She is madly in love with my children. We recently talked about turning her house into our common property. You won’t believe what happened! When my mother told the sisters about this, they simply “blew their minds”. “When we bought the house, we had to mortgage everything… We had to fight for everything we have… She went to college… Her husband graduated from college… He has a great job…”
But what worries me the most is that my nieces and nephews are jealous of my children. They say, “Grandma, why do you spend all your time with them? You don’t come to us anymore!» Envy has no end, and it is passed down from generation to generation.”
There were loud gasps in the room. Someone said that we touched on a «heavy topic». Before moving on, I decided to summarize:
We remembered our own childhood and the childhood of our children. We realized that our relationship with our brothers and sisters had a profound effect on us, generating deep feelings, positive or negative. These same feelings color our relationships with adult siblings and can even be passed on from generation to generation.
At that moment, I remembered my brother and sister again. They treated me like a spoiled child who always gets in their way. Even now, having become an adult, quite successful woman, I could not forget my resentment. I asked:
– Do you think it would be an exaggeration to say that our relationship with our brothers and sisters in childhood determines our relationship with ourselves in adulthood?
The seminar participants thought for a moment, and then four of them raised their hands. I nodded to one of the men.
— You are absolutely right! — he said. — I had to look after the younger ones — I am the eldest of three brothers. To them, I was a benevolent dictator. They always listened to me and did everything I told them. Sometimes I beat them, but I protected them from the older guys in the yard. Even today I remain «in charge». I recently received a great offer to sell my business at a bargain price. I could have stayed in charge, but that’s not for me. I couldn’t, I’m used to being the boss.
“And I was the youngest of five brothers,” said another. – Of course, the brothers greatly influenced the way I perceive myself now. All of them had a strong character, they always achieved their goals — in studies, sports, in everything. It just happened to them all by itself. As a child, I constantly tried to imitate them. While they were having fun, I pored over my textbooks. They never treated me as an equal and even called me «adopted» — loving, of course. I still force myself to keep working. My wife considers me a workaholic. She does not understand that this is the only way I can somehow keep up with the brothers.
“And I stopped chasing my older sister a long time ago,” said a woman in the front row. “She was so beautiful and talented that I couldn’t get close to her, and she knew it very well. When I was thirteen years old, we dressed up to go to the wedding of relatives. I thought I looked really good. My sister stood next to me, looked at herself in the mirror and said: “God created such beauty!” And then she looked at me and said: “And you are pretty too!” I will never forget her words. Until now, when someone compliments me, I always think: “Oh, you should have seen my sister!”
“I was also strongly influenced by my sister,” another woman said softly. Everyone turned to her to hear better. “She always…embarrassed me. The woman paused, collected her thoughts, and continued, “For as long as I can remember, she has always had emotional problems. She did strange things, and I had to explain myself to my friends.
Her parents were always worried about her. I felt that I had to be good so they could rely on me. Even though I was the youngest, I always felt like the oldest. Over the years, my sister only got worse. Every time I see her, I cannot help feeling resentful, as if she has deprived me of my real childhood. However, I am well aware that it is not her fault.
I listened to these people with amazement, because I always believed that parents play a decisive role in the life of children. But until that moment, it never occurred to me that brothers and sisters can also determine the fate of each other.
However, in front of me sat a grown man who believed that he should still be the boss. The other continued to reach out for his older brothers. One woman was sure that she would never keep up with her older sister, and the other still suffered because she had to be a «good girl.» This was due to their relationship with siblings.
While I was trying to make sense of all this, another member of our group spoke up. I had to force myself to focus on his words.
— In our house, the father was an unstable person. Mom has always been a very calm, loving woman. But my father was explosive.
He did not know how to control himself, he could leave for two days and not return for two months. So we had to rally to protect each other. The older ones looked after the younger ones. After school, we immediately went to work as soon as we were old enough. Everyone contributed to the common cauldron. If we didn’t stick together, no one would take care of us.
A murmur of approval swept the room.
“Yes… it’s good… fine…”
The last story touched the hearts of all participants. They all dreamed that their children would stick together, love and support each other.
— It is wonderful! one woman exclaimed. “I have always dreamed of something like this. But this makes me sad. I heard about families where children were united by the serious problems of their parents. I don’t want to think that in order for the children to treat each other properly, my husband must leave me.
“It seems to me,” another man interjected, “it’s all about genetic predisposition. If you are lucky, you will have wonderful children who will get along very well with each other. If you are not lucky, then you may have serious problems. However, in any case, guys, it does not depend on us.
“I don’t agree with you,” said the woman. “Today we heard a lot of examples. Parents only worsened the relationship between brothers and sisters, that is, they parted them. I came to this seminar because I want my children to become friends someday.
When did I first hear these words?
“You remind me of myself ten years ago,” I said. “Then I was just crazy about it. I really wanted my boys to become friends. As a result, I was thrown from side to side. Every time I looked at how well they played with each other, I was in seventh heaven and thought: “This is it! They fell in love with each other. I am a wonderful mother.» But as soon as they started to fight, I fell into despair: «They hate each other, and it’s my fault!» The happiest day of my life was when I gave up the dream of «good friends» and set a more realistic goal for myself.
The woman was confused.
“I’m not sure I understand the meaning of what you’re saying,” she said.
“Instead of worrying about whether my sons would become friends, I began to think about how to develop in them the attitudes and skills that they would need in personal relationships in adulthood. They had so much to learn! I didn’t want them to spend their whole lives figuring out who was right and who was wrong. I dreamed that they would be able to leave such thoughts in the past and learn to listen to each other, respect their differences, resolve their problems. Even if the characters do not allow them to be friends in the future, they should at least be able to find close people and be good friends with them.
My interlocutor did not like it, and I understood why. It took me a long time to come to terms with the thought I had just expressed.
“Please understand,” I said. — I was often too tired, too angry with the children, too upset to make any effort on myself. But when I managed to convince them to move from screaming to a rational argument, I felt happy. I knew that I had become a good mother.
«I don’t know if I can do it,» the woman muttered, embarrassed.
“There’s nothing particularly difficult about it,” I replied. “If I can do it, you can too.” Start next week.
The woman smiled faintly.
— I can’t make it. What should I do before that?
“Let’s watch this week what’s arguing our kids,” I said to the whole group. Don’t let quarrels go to waste. Write down all incidents and conversations that disturb you. In the next session, we will discuss our observations and start working.
Returning home after class, I thought about my own sons, who had grown up a long time ago. I still remembered the conversation we had at the table during Thanksgiving dinner.
It seemed to me that I was again standing in my dining room, clearing the table and listening to the conversation between my sons, who began to wash the dishes.
At first they jokingly quarreled about the division of duties. Everyone demanded for himself what he considered himself a master of. Then the situation escalated. They began to compare their colleges and their achievements — one was in the sciences, the other in the arts. In the end, the conversation turned to who is more useful to society — artists or scientists.
“Remember Pasteur,” said one.
— What about Picasso? What can you say about Picasso? another got excited.
They argued and argued, trying to convince each other, and finally agreed that society needed both scientists and artists.
After a moment’s pause, the conversation returned to the past. Remembering past grievances. They argued about who did it to whom and when. Everyone explained their actions from an adult point of view. After a while, the atmosphere changed again. The sons began to recall funny incidents from their childhood, and I heard loud laughter.
Two opposing forces seemed to be at work: one was pulling them away from each other (they used their differences to emphasize their own individuality); the other — attracted to each other (when they realized the unique brotherly bond between them).
Listening to the conversation in the kitchen, I was surprised at my own calmness. I realized how little I care about a short-term “high temperature” in the relationship between my sons. I knew that the differences in interests and personalities that kept them from bonding as children still lingered. But I also knew that over the years I had been able to help them build bridges between their separate islands of personalities. If they need to reach each other, they can always find the right path.
Chapter 2
Our next session began informally. People came in and undressed.
“You know, taking notes when the kids are fighting is a great idea,” said one woman. “I was so busy with this case that I didn’t have time to worry.
“I wish I could say the same about myself,” said another. “By the end of the week, I couldn’t look at my eldest daughter.
She took out her notebook and opened it to the first page.
“Do you want to hear what she said to her little sister at breakfast?”
«It’s good that I don’t have to sit next to you.»
«You stink».
«Daddy loves me more than you.»
«You are a freak.»
«You don’t know the alphabet.»
«You can’t tie your shoelaces.»
«I’m prettier than you.»
A knowing murmur swept through the room. The seminar participants took their places.
“I thought my son had outgrown his childhood abuse,” one man said sadly. “But he has become a teenager and is still torturing his brother. I can’t even repeat what he calls it.
«I don’t understand what makes them so cruel,» another woman interjected. — My five-year-old son drags the baby by the hair, puts his fingers in her nose, in her ears, in her mouth. She’s lucky she still has eyes.
I understood perfectly what these people were talking about. I remember my own amazement and rage at the sight of two long scratches on the back of my youngest son. And the three-year-old senior stood nearby and grinned maliciously! What a nasty, spoiled child! Well why did he do it?
In order to understand the causes of children’s «cruelty», I suggested the following exercise to the group. (Dear reader, I think it will be helpful for you to write down your own reactions. If you are a man, replace the word «husband» with «wife» and «he» with «she».)
Imagine that your husband hugs you and says, “Honey, I love you so much! You are so wonderful that I decided to get myself another exactly the same wife!
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
When a new wife appears, you see that she is very young and beautiful. If the three of you go somewhere, people greet you politely, and then exclaim admiringly, looking at your new wife: “Oh, isn’t she lovely? Hello, sunshine … You are so beautiful! And then they turn to you and ask: “Well, how do you like your new wife?”
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
The new wife needs clothes. The husband goes through your closet, goes through your sweaters and trousers, and gives them to her. When you start to protest, he says that you have noticeably recovered and the clothes are still too small for you, but they will suit her perfectly.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
The new wife is growing up fast. Every day she becomes smarter and smarter. One fine day, you’re struggling to figure out the new computer your husband just bought you. But then a new wife appears and says: “Let me show you! I already know everything!”
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
When you say that you will figure it out yourself, the new wife starts crying and runs to her husband. A few minutes later she returns with him. Her face is tear-stained, her husband hugs her tenderly. He tells you: “Well, why didn’t you let her in front of the computer? Is it really that hard to share?
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
One day you see your new wife in bed with your husband. He caresses her and she giggles. The phone suddenly rings. Husband raises tu.e.u. Then he tells you that something important has happened and he needs to leave immediately. He asks you to stay at home with your new wife and make sure that everything is all right with her.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Well, your reactions were not the most tender? The participants of our seminar readily admitted that under a respectable, civilized mask they hid pettiness, cruelty, envy, thoughts of revenge and even murder. Those who considered themselves a calm, sober person and had high self-esteem were amazed at how irritated they were by the very presence of the “other”.
Everyone felt the threat emanating from the new family member.
“That’s what worries me,” one woman remarked. – Based on this exercise, we can say that only the firstborn experiences such feelings. There’s a little girl in my house who’s angry. She is only one and a half years old, but she is already attacking her four-year-old brother for no reason. Yesterday he watched TV. She crept up from behind and hit him on the head with a rattle. She lay in bed with me that morning, peacefully sucking on her bottle. However, as soon as her older brother came, she stopped eating and kicked him so hard that he fell out of bed.
A long discussion ensued about the feelings of the youngest child. Some parents had similar problems: their younger ones attacked their elders from a very early age. Other parents said that the younger ones literally idolize the older ones and are very offended when they reject their love. One of the parents reported about the youngest son, who seemed to be ignored, because of which he suffered terribly.
The direction of the conversation worried one of the parents.
“Honestly,” he said, “it seems to me that we attach too much importance to feelings. I came here to put an end to the constant heat of emotion in my house. After a busy day, I return home and what do I see? The three girls are yelling, the wife is yelling at them, and they all rush to me, complaining about each other. I don’t want to hear anymore about who and why feels anything! I just want it all to end.
“I understand your irritation and impatience,” I replied. “But therein lies the irony. If we want «all this to end,» we will have to respectfully deal with those emotions that we would most like to lock up in a dark closet and then throw away the key.
The man frowned.
“I know how annoying it is,” I continued. “One child yells at another… But if we forbid children to show their rage, these feelings can accumulate and spill out in another form, for example, manifest themselves in physical symptoms or emotional problems.
The man looked at me skeptically.
“Let’s try to figure out what happens to us when we become adults and can no longer afford to show our negative feelings,” I suggested. Let’s go back to the «new wife» example. Suppose…
“It’s difficult for me,” another seminar participant interrupted me. After all, polygamy is illegal in America. It is illegal. But parents can have more than one child on completely legal grounds.
“Of course,” I agreed. “But for our purposes, we will assume that cultural norms have changed and it is possible to have a second spouse under the law.
Due to the lack of men or women, legislators have allowed and even obligated members of the minority sex to have multiple partners.
“Well, well,” the man grumbled, “I agree.
«Why don’t you agree?» — flashed his neighbor. You are the minority!
I waited for the laughter to subside before speaking again.
A year has passed since a new husband or a new wife appeared in the house. You are not only not used to his presence, but it annoys you even more. Sometimes you wonder if everything is okay with you. Sometimes you are so overwhelmed with pain and resentment that you cannot sleep. You are sitting on the edge of the bed and your partner comes in. You can’t help but vent your feelings on him: “I don’t want this person to stay in our house. I am not happy. Why can’t you get rid of him/her?»
Your husband or wife reacts differently. Write down your reactions to the following statements:
1. This is nonsense! You’re behaving terribly, you have no reason to think like that.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
2. These words of yours make me very sad. If that’s what you really think, keep your thoughts to yourself, I don’t want to hear it.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
3. Look, don’t make me do the impossible. You know very well that you can’t get rid of it. Now we are a family.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
4. Why are you so negative? Try to deal with everything yourself and do not pester me with all sorts of little things.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
5. I did not marry again for myself. I know you get lonely sometimes, so I thought you needed company.
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
6. Come on, dear, let’s forget about it. My feelings for you cannot change because of someone else. There is enough love in my heart for both of you!
Your reaction: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
The seminar participants were again struck by their own feelings. Some said they felt «stupid», «guilty», «doing wrong», «crazy», «defeated», «helpless», «abandoned».
Others said: “This is unacceptable for me”, “I must be a bad person”, “I had to pretend that I was happy in order to save at least that particle of love that remained for me”, “I have no one to talk to, no one is up to me no business.»
But most of all, the participants of the seminar were struck by the desire that flared up in them to harm a new partner — at any cost. Everyone wanted to cause the newcomer as much trouble as possible, pain, even physical pain. It did not matter that they could hurt themselves or cause the anger of a partner. They took pleasure in humiliating the newcomer in his eyes. Moreover, they wanted to punish their partners as well — for the wound they had inflicted on them.
Analyzing the reasons for this «excessive» reaction, we were forced to admit that there is nothing unusual in them. We often respond to the «unreasonable» emotions of others with denial, logic, advice, or persuasion.
When I asked the seminar participants what kind of reaction they expect from partners, they answered in chorus: “Get rid of her!”, “Get rid of him!”. Such words demanded the most serious reflection.
“If my husband “gets rid of her” at my request, it will scare me: one day he will be able to do the same to me.
“The husband should tell me that he loves me more, and she means nothing to him.
“I can calm down for a while, but then I’ll think about whether he will tell her the same thing about me.
«So how can I please you people?» I jokingly yelled.
There was a short pause, and then a flurry of offers fell upon me.
“I want to have the right to say whatever I want about this new wife, the truth or not. And he should not protect her, and also humiliate and anger me.
Or look at the clock…
Or turn on the TV…
– The main thing for me is to know that he understands my feelings.
It suddenly became clear to me that most of the proposals came from women. Perhaps this was due to the fact that I immediately started talking about the «new wife» and not about the «new husband.» Or maybe women are used to expressing their feelings more frankly than men.
This time I addressed only to men.
“Your ‘wives’ have just expressed their needs. I want to ask you to satisfy them. How will you behave if your wife says: “I don’t want to put up with this man in the house anymore. I `m not happy. You have to get rid of her»?
The men looked at me incredulously.
I repeated the task:
What will you tell your wife so that she knows that you understand her feelings?
Again, puzzled looks followed. Finally, one brave soul took the floor.
«I didn’t know you felt that way about it,» said the brave man.
Then another man plucked up his courage.
“I didn’t know it was so serious for you,” he said.
The third participant of the seminar entered:
“I’m starting to realize how difficult this situation is for you.
I turned to the women.
— And what can you say to your spouse so that he knows: do you understand his feelings towards a new husband?
One hand went up.
“It must be hard for you to see him around all the time.
Another hand.
You can always tell me what’s bothering you.
And finally:
“I want to know about your feelings…because they are very important to me.
There was a loud sigh. Some applauded. People obviously liked what they heard.
I turned to the man who «came to the seminar to get rid of excessive emotionality at home.»
– What do you think now? I asked.
The man smiled sadly.
“I think you did a pretty good job of showing us what we should do for our children instead of just trying to shut them up.
I nodded.
“Even adults who understand that it was just a game feel more comfortable when they can reveal their negative feelings. Children are exactly the same: they need to be able to express their feelings and desires towards brothers and sisters. Not even the most worthy desires …
“Yes,” he agreed with me. “But adults know how to control themselves. If you give children the opportunity to express any feelings, I’m afraid they will immediately begin to show them.
“You have to distinguish between the ability to express feelings and the ability to act,” I replied. —
We allow children to express all their feelings, but we do not allow them to hurt each other. Our task is to teach them to express their anger without causing pain.
I reached for the materials I had prepared for this lesson.
– In these drawings you will see how to apply this theory in practice with toddlers, older children and teenagers.
INSTEAD OF DENYING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER, RECOGNIZE THEM
Express feelings in words
OFFER CHILDREN A FANTASY THAT IS NOT REAL
Say what the child wants
HELP THE CHILDREN DIRECT THEIR HOSTILE FEELINGS TO SYMBOLIC OR IMAGINATE OBJECTS
Encourage Creative Imagination
STOP INCORRECT BEHAVIOR. SHOW HOW TO SHOW NEGATIVE FEELINGS WITHOUT ATTACKING EACH OTHER
Show the best way to express anger
We spent the rest of the time studying the drawings, discussing various techniques and trying them out in practice.
“Maybe when my son complains to me that my grandmother spends too much time with the baby, you need to say something like: “You would like her to pay more attention to you …”
“The next time Laurie tries to hit her brother, I will advise her to express her anger with words, not with her fists.
Everyone was trying to figure out how to apply the new skills in their own families. Then I noticed that some people got bored, and I realized that it was time to finish.
While we were gathering our things, I overheard the following conversation:
“Well, how can you remember all this nonsense?
— This is silly. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps.
— It’s too hard. It is better to send children once a week to a psychologist.
— Once a week? You should see how my children behave! They need to be sent immediately to the hypnotist!
I listened and thought: “How hard it must be to feel that everything around is wrong, and not know how to fix this situation. No wonder they’re so annoyed!»
But I’ve been in that situation myself. I knew that their irritation was temporary. Having made some efforts and having achieved at least small successes, they will immediately feel that everything is in their power. While they simply do not know this, they are already on the right track.
Memo
Child: I want to kill him! He took my new skates.
words that express those feelings
«You’re just furious!»
or
wishes
«You wish he would ask before taking your things.»
or
symbolic or creative act
«How would you feel about putting a sign ‘Private Property’ and hanging it on your closet door?»
“Stop! People shouldn’t hurt each other!»
“Tell him how angry you are. Say, «I don’t want my skates taken without permission.»
Questions
After a seminar on the importance of acknowledging and validating feelings, people had many questions. Everyone wanted to talk about what happened at their home. But first questions.
✓ I tried to show my son that I understand his anger and irritation, and even told him: «I know that you hate your brother.» But that only pissed him off. He screamed, «No, it’s not!» What did I do wrong?
Most children have mixed feelings about siblings. Children get annoyed and offended when adults call these feelings hate. It would be much more helpful to say, “I think you have complicated feelings about your brother. Sometimes you like it, and sometimes it’s terribly annoying, right?
✓ But what if the child constantly insists that he hates his brother? To the words: “I hear that you hate him,” he shouts back: “Yes, I hate him!” I say, “Looks like you really hate him,” and he yells, “Exactly! I hate him!» And we are left with nothing.
To help your child let go of self-feeding rage, try reframing his emotions so that he can move forward. The following options will help you:
«I understand how angry you are with David.»
«Looks like his act pissed you off.»
“Apparently, his words made you furious!”
«Would you like to tell me more about this?»
✓ I suggested to my three-year-old daughter, “Don’t hurt your sister. Better go to your room and beat the doll.» But she refused and still sticks to the baby. Should I continue using the same method?
There is a big difference between sending a child away and having him express his feelings with a doll and in your presence. It would be better to say, «I can’t let you hurt your sister, but you can show me how you feel on this doll.»
The key word is «show». When the child shakes the doll or even hits it, parents can put into words what he is trying to express.
“You seem to be really annoyed by your sister.”
«Sometimes she makes you very angry.»
“Glad you showed me that. If you have the same feelings again, be sure to come and tell me.”
✓ I tried to invite my three-year-old daughter to show my feelings towards the baby with the help of a doll. But when she started pounding the doll on the floor, I realized that she liked it, but I couldn’t watch it. Am I the only one experiencing these feelings?
You are not alone. Other parents who have experienced similar feelings have found that they are much more comfortable when their child uses old pillows, plasticine, paint tubes, or crayons and paper:
«Draw me a picture that reflects your feelings.»
«You’re shaking that pillow so hard I think I can hear you growling in anger.»
And if there is nothing else at hand, you can always use the words:
“I can’t let you pinch the baby, but you can tell me how you feel. You can say very loudly: «I’m terribly angry!»
✓ I noticed that my five-year-old son gets angry when relatives come and begin to admire the baby, and then take it out on him. What can be done in such a situation?
Wouldn’t it be better to moderate the delights of the guests a little? By warning relatives about the problem in advance, you will save your son from the pain associated with jealousy and envy.
“I’m sure you’re tired of all this lisping over the baby, although you know for sure that when you were little, everyone admired you just the same. If it happens again, give me a signal — for example, wink — and I will wink back at you. Then you will know that I understand everything. It will be our secret».
✓ My son never agrees with his sister’s point of view. I ask him, «Would you like it if she acted like this towards you?» But he never answers. Why is this happening?
The question takes him by surprise. If he answers you honestly, you will have to admit that he will not like it. If you want your son to be able to accept someone else’s point of view, just show him your trust: «I’m sure you can imagine yourself in the same situation.» Then he will think: “Can I imagine this? How does it feel to feel like this?” But he will not have to answer to anyone but himself, and this is very good.
✓ My teenage daughter constantly complains about her brother. Sometimes I just don’t have time to listen to it. Should I listen to her every time she comes to me?
Each of us has moments when we do not want to listen to complaints and requests. Our children need to understand this. You can tell your daughter, “I understand that your brother is making you angry, but right now I can’t listen to you. Let’s talk about it after dinner.»
One mother, who could not stand the constant flow of complaints, bought each of her children a notebook in which they could write and draw everything. They used these notebooks when they were angry with each other. As a result, the number of complaints with which they came to their mother was noticeably reduced.
Stories
I have been leading seminars for many years, but I am still surprised by how actively parents, after just two or three classes, begin to apply the knowledge they have gained in practice. At the same time, they show incredible originality! Most of the stories are exactly as we heard them in our classes, sometimes with just a little bit of editing. Only the names of the children have been changed.
The first two stories amazed absolutely everyone. These are the stories of unborn children who have already created a lot of problems for parents.
I was in my seventh month. When I first told my five-year-old daughter Tara that I was having a baby, she didn’t say anything. But recently she touched my belly and said, «I hate the baby.» I was shocked, but at the same time glad that she said it. I felt that she was offended, but Tara was not afraid to tell me about it, which means she trusts me. But although I was ready for this and almost waiting for it to happen, her words shocked me.
I said, “Glad you said so, Tara. It seems to you that after the birth of the baby, mommy will devote less time to you? She nodded. Then I said: “When you think like that, always come to me. I will definitely make time for you.»
The disaster didn’t happen. Tara didn’t talk about it anymore.
When my wife and I first told six-year-old Michael that we were having another child, he was ecstatic. Then he thought about it carefully and said: «I’m against it!» From that day on, he began to wet the bed.
When the baby was born, he showed no hostility towards her. He treated her well — held her, looked after her, protected her. But when the mother was there — horror! He tried to kick and hit her. Mother decided to put an end to this. She said, «I won’t let you hurt me!» Then Michael began to stain everything around with toothpaste and Vaseline. In addition, we got a call from his teacher. She reported that he had ceased to obey and had become very distracted.
After discussing everything with Kay, we decided that we did not give him the opportunity to express his feelings, and therefore he behaves in this way. I started talking to him like in our seminars: “It looks like you get angry when you see how mother is engaged with the baby — babysitting and changing her clothes.” And Kay told him, “Sometimes when a mommy has a baby, other kids start to think that they are no longer loved. If you think so, tell me about it. I will definitely hug and caress you.” We began to pay more attention to our son alone, in the absence of the baby.
This helped, he became much better behaved at home and at school. The teacher told us, “I can’t believe it! I don’t understand what happened to Michael! He became my best student. He reads the best in the class!”
The following story is about a mother who tried to use her skills with her ten-year-old son. She managed to acknowledge his feelings, although the boy’s words infuriated her.
A few days after our last seminar, the children returned late from school. So late that I went looking for them. I saw six-year-old Timmy wandering along the side of the road and crying bitterly. And his brother, ten-year-old Hal, walks a little further away.
I ran to Timmy. Through tears, he said that Hal pushed him, knocked him over and kicked him.
I blushed with anger. I wanted to hit Hal, but I restrained myself. Then she hugged Timmy and tried to comfort him. When he stopped crying, I gave him a chocolate bar and he ran off to play.
Hal has been watching us from a distance all this time. When Timmy left, he asked, “Do you want to hear my version of this story?” And he said that the three boys on the bus wanted to beat him up, so he threw out his briefcase and ran into the bushes to hide from them. When it was time to get out, Hal noticed that Timmy took his briefcase, although he had no right to do so. He had absolutely no remorse for hitting his younger brother. Timmy just «asked for it.»
Hal was lucky that I signed up for this seminar. I forced myself to say, “So you were mad that Timmy brought your briefcase home? And you thought you could beat him?»
«Exactly,» said Hal. “That was my briefcase!”
I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. After a while Hal came and silently stood at the door. I looked at him and he muttered, “I want to tell you something, but I can’t…”
I replied that I was ready to listen to him. He was very unhappy and could not utter anything. I suggested that he write me a note.
Then Hal took a piece of paper and wrote: «I think I hit Timmy too hard.»
I just said «Oh!»
He still stood looking unhappy. And then I added: “Does this really torment you? ..”
He nodded, and then began to excitedly tell me about his feelings. He was terribly angry… those boys really scared him… Finally he said, “You know, Mom, if they hadn’t scared me, I would never have hit Timmy.”
I replied, «I understand.»
All evening Hal was very attentive and affectionate with his brother.
One of the participants in our seminars found a very original way to acknowledge his daughter’s hostility towards her brother: he not only put her feelings into words, but also put them on paper.
Last night Jill complained to me about her brother again. I tried to tell her that I understood everything, but she chattered and did not listen to me.