Bringing up children

​​​​​​​The upbringing of a child is the influence that forms the personality of the child and systematically changes his behavior. To educate means to instill skills and habits useful for life that turn a child into a person.

Here is the continuation of the article Education. The articles in this section outline both the general principles and specifics of raising children in different cultures and different traditions.

Parents and children: we educate children with our fact of life together with them

There are few conscious educators among parents, only a few consciously educate children. Unfortunately, most parents, if they suddenly decided to write a book about their upbringing of children, could take the classic “So it happened” as an epigraph, and title it “What has grown, has grown.” A minority of parents know what they are doing and why. Hello parents! However, children are brought up by us even when we do not plan it: by the very fact that we live together with them, by our way and way of life, by our habits and conversations. Purposeful upbringing is rare and therefore secondary, in life it is primary — these are parents and children: what kind of children they are, what kind of parents, and what kind of relationship between them. The goals of education, its possibilities, and the approaches and methods used in this will already depend on this.

Education is an intervention in the life of a child. Do we have a right to this?

Should you educate your children? From the point of view of the legislation of the Russian Federation, this is our direct responsibility. However, each family has its own laws, and. Oddly enough, many parents today answer this question in the negative, choosing another: “You just need to live with children!”. How to treat it? Sometimes it’s wise, sometimes it’s stupidity. If a father, who has alcohol in his head and a belt in his hand, takes up the matter of upbringing, then the answer is unambiguous — it would be better for such a dad not to be engaged in the matter of upbringing. Any educator needs to start with himself, the first task is to educate the educator in himself! On the other hand, if children are not educated, they will somehow educate themselves, but with each generation the level will be a little lower. In order for children to stay at the level or their level to grow, children need to be educated. Nature gives the child the makings, upbringing makes the child a man. Education introduces the child to culture, enables the child to enter the circle of people, proper education can develop in the child respect for himself and for people, courage and creativity, and create the preconditions for his health and happiness. On the other hand, improper upbringing can kill a child’s courage and interest in life, instill bad habits, develop selfishness and allow theft.

The development of a child, the upbringing of a child, the re-education of a child, and the management of a child are very different tasks and essentially different methods. Understand what you need, and please do not confuse!

How do we want our children to be?

But there is a fact: you are already reading this article, which means that you are thinking about the fact that: “The child needs to be raised!” “That’s right, but in the name of what, what do we want to get as a result?” To be comfortable and not interfere with us? In principle, this is not bad either, but it seems that the mission of being a parent is something else. “To be healthy and not worse than others” — and this is not enough? “So that I don’t repeat my mistakes …” — maybe a child should have his own life? Moms do not agree with my father’s views on education, they generally do not agree with the position of my grandmother; a religious family brings up children in different values ​​than a secular family, local culture and customs also contribute, setting their limits and defining — often very rigidly — their values ​​… But the children are ours, and we need to solve these issues. Read more about this in the article How do we want our children to be?

Well, how do you educate them?

And we won’t say. More precisely, let’s say only when you decide on the tasks of education and choose your approach. It turns out that there is no single science of education: there are quite competing and often mutually exclusive approaches between which you will have to choose. At a minimum, the male approach to education is very different from the female approach, supporters of free education defend their truth, the Gestalt approach recruits its supporters … Once you decide on your goals and choose your approach, it will not be difficult for you to choose both authors close to you and its own language, and its own rules and principles. We want to warn you that the Psychologos develops, first of all, the synton approach both in psychology and in pedagogy.

We are convinced that the methods of upbringing should be selected «according to the height» of the parents. While parents are wild, their attempts to raise children usually only lead to negative consequences, and for such parents, if they really want the best for their children (and for themselves), it is better to educate themselves and pester children less. The traditional recommendations “try to understand children”, “talk to children”, “learn to listen to children”, “just be friends with children” are quite reasonable, because they distract such inept parents from the educational process, which they are in fact incapable of, and focus on quite useful things that help both themselves and their children.

So, if you are not a great specialist in raising children, then first take care of self-education and, if possible, do not touch children, do not interfere with their lives. As you progress and the needs of life, gradually move on to more and more active management of children. And when your children become obedient, you can already educate them. And even somehow responsible for the results of their own upbringing.

The best parenting methods you can use only when you educate yourself properly. Getting acquainted with the techniques and successful decisions of parents in general for all of us in the business of raising children is, of course, very useful, but all recommendations have their limitations. What works for one child may not work for another child in another family. And some effective formulations will not work for you simply because you do not pronounce them (funny, but this is often true), or you will not have the right voice and the right intonation. Phrases on children do not act on their own — they are spoken by parents who have their own relationship with their children and their own history. In addition, all these educational tactics and a selection of an arsenal of methods are a predominantly male approach. Women are not inclined to think in this vein, they raise a child primarily with their attitude towards him.

Speaking about the types of upbringing, first of all they write about such types as indulgent hyperprotection, emotional rejection, dominant hyperprotection, increased moral responsibility, neglect, abuse.

These are the most common 6 types of parenting. A broader list of 10 types are: hypoprotection, dominant overprotection, condoning hyperprotection, condoning hypoprotection, disease cult upbringing, emotional rejection, abuse, increased moral responsibility, conflicting upbringing, and upbringing outside the family. See →

It is quite obvious that these are all types of problem parenting. It’s not what parents choose, it’s something. what troubled parents do. It is often written that these types of problem parenting are opposed by authoritative parenting: a combination of warmth and relatively strict control over the child, but control that is understandable to the child and is carried out clearly and consistently, so that children know what to expect if they violate the rules set by their parents. That is, there are many problematic types of education, but the correct education is one: “authoritative education”. Is it so? Unfortunately, this is not so. Even for the best parents, there is no ideal parenting system. Those (rare) parents who approach education consciously, who think about raising children, who choose, choose their style and method of education for themselves and for the child, are also not in an easy situation, they also face a choice.

Conscious parenting is not one, but different models of parenting, each of which has its own characteristics, its pros and cons. It is not obvious that strict upbringing cannot be a conscious and once adequate choice, many parents are attracted by the model of natural upbringing with practically no social prohibitions, but even relatively free upbringing with reasonable restrictions can be directed to varying degrees. How will be correct? We can offer our description of the main models of education and our comments. We hope. that our best readers in the world will make theirs. the right choice!

Yes, good books will help you. Literature on raising children is a sea, it is easy to get lost. Here is a selection of useful literature on raising children. Here — an online course on raising children «Steps», we recommend. Well, come to trainings in Sinton!