Turning to a psychotherapist for help, sooner or later we are faced with the need to analyze our childhood memories and rethink our relationship with our own mother. Why is the image of the mother so important for understanding our inner world? We addressed this issue to psychotherapists.
Is it always necessary to talk about your relationship with your mother during psychotherapy?
It depends on the specific problems of the client. When a person is not set up for deep work, but wants to solve a local problem (get rid of, for example, a certain phobia), the question of relations with the mother may not arise. But, as practice shows, no matter how private the problem may seem, it still goes back to the fundamental principles of personality. And in this situation, the image of the mother — in fact, the first brick laid in the foundation of our individuality — plays a significant role.
In psychoanalysis, this topic always sounds, especially sharply — at moments of experiencing crises: marriage, pregnancy (one’s own or — for men — a wife or girlfriend), the birth of a child … A person has to reconsider many internal images, including the deep image of the mother.
Do men and women talk about it the same way?
Gender does not play a special role: both men and women talk in a similar way about their love for their mother, her hopes, the values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat she managed to convey to them … Questions, if they arise, are most often related to the quality of the relationship that has developed between the child and the mother ( too intrusive or indifferent, adoring or always worried), with a family history.
But the goal of psychotherapy for men and women is different. Daughters, in order to feel their own femininity, must identify with their mother and then become free. It is important for a man to free himself from the power of motherly love in order to allow himself to love another woman.
Negative feelings towards the mother, internal conflict with her — are they inevitable in the process of psychotherapy?
While we blame our mother for our problems and misfortunes, we continue to be emotionally dependent on her — even if we have grown up and live an independent life. To get rid of this addiction (with the help of a psychotherapist), we will have to relive the grievances, experience the whole gamut of negative emotions in relation to the mother and, as a result, part with our illusions.
But this does not mean that real relations with her will change for the worse. During psychotherapy, an aggravation of the situation is possible, especially if people live in the same house or simply communicate often. But if the therapy is successful, the degree of emotional stress gradually decreases. The nature of the mother does not change, but we begin to react less sharply to its manifestations, and sometimes we even find that there is a rational grain in her words.
Why do we so often feel helpless, defenseless in our relationship with our mother?
For the first few years of life, each of us sees ourselves as if in the mirror of parental — primarily maternal — assessments: mother’s «Well done!» or «Ugly!» shape our opinion of ourselves. Over time, this external voice moves inside of ourselves, occupying an important place in our inner «I». From now on, we compare all our actions, thoughts and even feelings with him.
Trying to confront the mother in reality, we inevitably find ourselves drawn into conflict with a significant part of ourselves, which is always difficult, and sometimes painful. Working with a therapist, we can learn to recognize our true feelings and separate the infallible «inner parent» from the real mother — a specific person with specific interests and desires.
Stop emotionally dependent on your own mother, separate from her — how to achieve this?
When a mother behaves really aggressively — “strangles” with excessive care, endlessly “presses” with her authority, or, on the contrary, defiantly ignores her son or daughter, a physical separation can turn out to be a good way out for a while. However, true liberation from maternal influence is possible only as a result of serious inner work.
The role of the therapist in this process is to help us determine which of our mother’s ideas about us are true and can become an organic part of our view of ourselves, and which we need to get rid of, reject as untenable and stop worrying about them.
How to heal the wounds inflicted by the mother?
Psychotherapy does not heal wounds, it only helps them to heal. The personality of each person contains a colossal resource for overcoming negative experiences. By activating it in the course of working with a psychotherapist, we actually create a “good mother” within ourselves. We form a caring, loving attitude towards ourselves — a reliable foundation for harmonious family relationships, efficient work and a comfortable sense of self.
What does it mean to be on good terms with your mother?
Coming to an understanding with your own mother means learning to separate her image, which we have in childhood, from a real woman of flesh and blood. In this case, reconciliation can come even after her death. No psychotherapist can change the nature and habits of our mother — the goal of therapy in the first place is to change our own view of her.
By abandoning the idealized or demonized idea of the mother, we will open up the prospect of an important and equal relationship with a real person, along with certain shortcomings, surely endowed with undeniable virtues.