Breaking up can be positive

“Most children from senior preschool to adolescence react to the divorce of their parents as one of the most destructive stresses,” says child psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. – Experiences are especially painful in the first weeks and months. Health is deteriorating, aggressiveness in behavior, apathy, difficulties in learning and in relationships with friends appear.

The child lives with the feeling that the world is collapsing around him, he no longer feels safe. But psychological trauma can be avoided. Moreover, divorce can even become a constructive event for a child – if the adults could humanly agree on its conditions and both support the child.

This test allows children to find out what place they occupy in the life of their parents. If during the period of separation, adults first of all take care of the child, even despite the disagreements between them, he will be convinced that he means a lot to them.

On the other hand, divorce allows children to understand that love does not always last forever and when it passes, the world around does not collapse, but a new life begins. Should parents have some special skills so that divorce does not become a tragedy for a child? No, this is not required at all. They just have to think – together or separately – how they will behave in this situation.

Before Divorce: Tell the Child

When the decision is final, it is important to tell the child about it. And not just to put before the fact, but to give him the opportunity to ask questions.

Every child has the right to this, since the change in family life directly affects all family members, regardless of age. Parents should explain in such a way that the child clearly understands that it is not his father and mother who are parting, but the husband and wife. That long before he was born, his parents were a couple (this he can understand only if you have explained to him before what a sex life is); that you loved each other so much that you wanted him / her to appear – this clarification is absolutely harmless, because this way the child will know that he was desired.

But today you don’t love each other enough to continue living together. And, despite this, you will forever remain his parents, you will see him, take care of him, support him.

Of course, at this moment it is very difficult to find the right words and pronounce even the most accurate phrases. “It’s worth speaking as neutrally as possible,” advises existential therapist Marina Khazanova. – It’s not worth saying dryly: “My dad and I fell out of love with each other,” because for a child this means that he himself, too, can one day be taken and stopped loving.

You can put it another way: “It’s okay to get angry and even scream out loud sometimes, but my dad and I fight all the time. We are no longer happy with each other and want to part, live separately. We thought about it a lot, but we have no other choice.”

It is possible that your words will be followed by tears, anger and even aggression. But it is important to allow the child to throw out his feelings – he has every right to them.

“Regret and pain should be cried out,” explains Albina Loktionova. “It is difficult for children to express their feelings in words, but tears relieve the soul if they are tears of sadness, and not resentment and fear of being alone.”

Most likely, immediately or after some time, the child will begin to ask questions: why did the parents make such a decision, why did they quarrel? Do I need to go into details? “No,” all the experts agree with this. And above all, because such a request often reflects the unconscious thoughts of children about incest, the desire to know or see something from the intimate life of the parental couple.

In addition, the intimate life of parents concerns only the two of them, and, of course, children should not know the details.

“When parents blame each other, the child begins to confuse the roles of father and husband, mother and wife,” adds Marina Khazanova. – He perceives such accusations extremely painfully, and because he loves both mom and dad, whatever they may be, and he feels their best qualities and worst shortcomings in himself. Therefore, often children unconsciously accept adult accusations against themselves, and later it is very difficult for them to feel positive about themselves.

Finally, the reasons for the rise and fall of desire that adults have for each other is a complex and subtle thing. A child who has not yet experienced such feelings will not be able to understand them.

Be prepared for the fact that the child will return to the topic again and again. Do not be angry with him – after all, you most likely knew about the upcoming divorce in advance and managed to throw out your emotions, speak out, and cry out insults to your loved ones.

For him, the story has only just begun. He needs time to understand and accept what happened. Therefore, if he asks for the tenth time: “Why don’t you live together?” Answer him the same as the nine previous times.

If you’re feeling the pain of divorce too much and it’s hard for you to discuss it, tell your child directly about it and ask someone close to talk to him. An adult who is not involved in the conflict will help the child more in this difficult moment.

During Divorce: Being Close

But in addition to explanations, children at the time of divorce need the presence and attention of their parents more than ever. The first is important that the child understands what is happening and does not blame himself, the second is necessary for him to feel safe.

Reassure him every time he worries: “Where will I live?”, “Who will our dog stay with?”, “When will I see dad?”, “And if you have a new wife, I can see mom?”

“Try to devote more time to him, play, walk, just be with him,” Marina Khazanova continues. “Left alone with himself and his thoughts, he will experience anxiety and guilt. Talk to your child in great detail, because what scares him the most is the unknown and uncertainty.”

“Some children hesitate to ask about what scares them the most,” adds psychotherapist Natalya Burlakova. In this case, start the conversation first. The silence of the child does not mean at all that he coped with the situation.

Any conversation, even a heavy one, that stirs up a wound that has not yet healed for him and you, is better than hushing up the topic. It relieves anxiety, makes it clear that there is still someone nearby with whom you can share any feelings, talk about your fears.

After Divorce: Organizing Your Life in a New Way

The child should be given time to grieve about the life that he will never have again, and gradually start a new one. And here he needs the help of his parents.

“Never console a child with the fact that everything can become the same as before,” adds Albina Loktionova. “This illusion will prevent him from saying goodbye to his old life and accepting a new one.”

If for the sake of the child you force yourself to celebrate with the whole family, after the divorce, the New Year or birthday, this will not help him. On the contrary, these meetings will remind him of the past, and even if he is happy about it, it will be very difficult for him.

The new life must have its own rhythm. Instead of old rituals – a family dinner or a Sunday trip to the cinema – others will appear: heart-to-heart talks in the evening or Saturday baking pies and receiving guests.

“If you are sincerely ready to spend some time with your ex-spouse, it’s great, if you are only ready to transfer the child from hand to hand, it’s also good,” says Natalya Burlakova. “The main thing is for the child to feel that he still has parents who love him, take care of him and want to communicate with him.”

And this can only be proven by actions. A child who does not see his father or hears how his parents constantly quarrel over money can only think one thing – that he means nothing to them. Or that he bothers them.

And never, when meeting with a former partner, do not sort things out: talking about money, the time of arrival and departure, and other everyday little things can be done on the phone in the absence of a child. These adult problems should not concern him.

There are situations when the situation during a divorce is so tense that the mother begins to forbid the father to visit the child, trying by all means to delete her ex-husband from her life.

In this case, it is worth stopping, taking a breath and thinking about the fact that the child does not have the same feelings for her father that she does for her ex-husband, they are connected by their own, completely separate relationship. And, if it makes no sense to keep the marriage “for the sake of the child”, then maintaining a relationship after a divorce for the sake of it is worth it despite everything.

A child does not have to live with mom and dad, he just needs to have them. And no one has the right to deprive him of the opportunity to communicate with one of his parents.

New partners: talk about it

How to inform a child that a father or mother wants to start life with another person? Gradually. To begin with, you can simply introduce them and give them time to look closely and get used to each other.

At this stage, the phrase “This is Lena, my friend” will be enough. Marina Khazanova states: “In the event that the new partner can provide the child’s need for a sense of significance, support, understanding, respect and trust, everything can go smoothly. Children are plastic enough if these important needs are met.”

The child must be sure:

• that the new partners of the parents will not take either father’s or mother’s place, but will love him just like father and mother, and will take part in his upbringing;
• that he is not obliged to love them, but must be polite to them;
• and finally, that they, like his biological parents, are subject to the prohibition of incest. It is necessary to emphasize this, because so many children and adolescents are visited by the (unconscious) thought of attracting, conquering, seducing a non-native family member, since he is not their real parent. For the child’s psyche, such an idea is pernicious and unacceptable.

It happens in life: people meet, fall in love, get married – and sometimes part. And it is important for us to remember: how exactly this happens and how a new stage of life will be built for us and our children then, first of all, depends on us.