Contents
We asked six psychotherapists for clear advice: how to make a breakup less painful? Phrases for reflection in difficult times.
«Swear and … goodbye!»
Viktor Makarov, psychotherapist, president of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League of the Russian Federation
“Speak as much as possible, swear, just don’t withdraw into yourself. Don’t be silent for the sake of the children. Paradoxically, it is much more difficult for them when the gap proceeds without quarrels. Children do not understand why parents are separated if they get along so well with each other. Do not forbid yourself to hate the person who left you or did not live up to expectations, you have the right to feel anything.
Just remember that you do not have the task of making an enemy out of a former partner or ruining his life; your goal is to free yourself from difficult experiences. Thank this person for your closeness, forgive him and ask for forgiveness. You are destined to be an important part of each other’s lives.»
«DO NOT RELY ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS»
Stanislav Raevsky, Jungian analyst
“You don’t need to drown out your pain. Experiences are not a pathology, but a developing experience, valuable in that it helps to comprehend not only a given situation, but also life priorities in general. Parting is painful: we lose another and remain alone, we blame ourselves and stop trusting ourselves. Acute experiences, strong feelings with the support of a psychologist or close people help to understand oneself, lead to renewal. And antidepressants can only temporarily alleviate suffering.
«ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE YOURSELF»
Gleb Lozinski, psychologist, psychotherapist, psychodramatist
“Think and say these words with a calm soul:“ Everything was fine with you. But something happened to our feelings, so there is no point in continuing our story.” Many people, after breaking up obsolete, painful relationships, feel not only negative emotions — they feel calm, a surge of energy and confidence, they understand themselves in a new way, and other life prospects open up before them.
It also happens that the decision to leave starts the process of internal changes, and as a result, relations with a partner, if not restored, then at least improve. Get back to your real feelings and you will see that parting is not a loss, but a meeting with yourself.
«FIND A LISTENER»
Elena Lopukhina, psychotherapist, president of the Russian Psychodrama Association
“Tell your feelings to someone who is able to listen to you without giving advice or judging the actions of the participants in the situation. Not necessarily a close friend: sometimes friends are too involved in what is happening to remain just understanding listeners. A soulful person who treats you well is what you need at this moment. When experiencing negative emotions, talk about them, write a diary — so you can free yourself and go through parting with less loss.
«DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WILL BE ASHALED FOR»
Anna Varga, President of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists
“Respect yourself. A breakup often takes place in anger, and the one who is left is left with despair, fear and guilt. These feelings push people to reckless actions: they beg the other to stay, defiantly start romances with random people, insult, drag everyone around, including children, into conflict.
It happens that they are forced to have sex, and then on this basis they demand the continuation of the relationship. Or they provoke a scandal, a fight and explain: “You see, it’s impossible with you.” When sanity returns, people regret their behavior, come up with crafty excuses, whitewash themselves, denigrate their partner, and a new cycle of anger begins. When emotions overwhelm, turn to self-esteem: you are not an executioner or a victim.
«GIVE TIME TO THE FEELINGS»
Virginie Meggle, French psychoanalyst
Breaking up is work and it takes time. Do not rush, do not confuse the start with the finish. To give yourself time also means to accept yourself not only as a joyful, happy person, but also as a suffering person. Give vent to your feelings: anger, annoyance, hatred. Do not try to resist them, otherwise they will not leave you longer.
But don’t make the person you love an enemy either. It is impossible to live hating your past. Treat the breakup creatively, recycle it, turn the liability into an asset. This will allow you to move away from your sadness, do something about your suffering, so that you can later maintain a positive outlook on the experience.