This is a difficult test for both spouses, especially if there are children. Few manage to part on good terms and maintain civilized relations. How to avoid irreparable mistakes?
Anyone going through a divorce would do well to keep in mind the so-called guide to action. You might find some tips based on the research and years of practice of psychologist Alan Blotsky, who specializes in situations like this, helpful.
1. Try to remain calm and quarrel with your spouse as little as possible. Do not look for reasons to scandal. Be firm but reasonable. Determined but kind.
2. Do not involve children in conflicts between you. Communicate with each other directly, and not through the child, do not make him your weapon. He should not hear how you exchange «courtesies». Don’t criticize your spouse in front of the kids.
3.Talk to several lawyers. Choose someone who understands your needs and desires, feel free to ask uncomfortable questions. Be active, it’s your right.
4.Ask your friends to recommend a good lawyer. Word of mouth is a great way to find an expert, don’t just rely on a big name on the internet.
5.Make sure children receive love, care and attention. Communicate with them, talk heart to heart. Expressing emotions is very important, set an example of open expression of feelings.
6. Disperse without mutual claims — the best possible option. Divorce proceedings may well end with a settlement agreement — discuss this with your lawyer.
7.Do not rush to sign a divorce decree if it does not suit you. A signed document is almost impossible to change. Do not succumb to the persuasion of lawyers and do not agree that supposedly everything can be solved retroactively. No.
8. Divorce proceedings can drag on for several months, or even longer. If you avoid conflicts and rivalry, things will go much faster. Don’t fight just for the sake of fighting and don’t let the lawyers do it.
9.A protracted divorce is an expensive “pleasure”. The sooner it ends, the less you have to spend.
10.Find a good psychotherapist. It will help to cope with despair, guilt, fear, anger and hopelessness. Turning to a specialist is a strength, not a weakness.
11. Grandparents, teachers and other adults should not stir up children’s negative reactions to divorce. Talk to them and ask them to take a caring but neutral stance.
12. Do not be silent, talk more often with family and friends. When we interact with people, we feel better. In addition, it helps to keep from making hasty decisions and not slipping into destructive behavior.
13. Have fun. Laugh. Smile. Do not focus on divorce, do not turn it into your main job. Enjoy life.
14. Do not start new romances until you are divorced. This is a bad idea, in every sense: you risk complicating things.
Don’t say or do anything you’ll regret
15. The happier you are, the happier the children will be. They will definitely respond to your positive attitude. Be optimistic, keep your head up. Believe in a brighter future and share it with your child.
16. It’s great if you agree on co-parenting. But for this to succeed, both parents must be responsible and consistent. There is nothing better for a child — provided that everything is done correctly, that is, when divorced parents communicate closely and cooperate.
17. Parallel parenting can also be a good option. However, in this case, each parent is on its own, with little or no interaction. If expectations and home life are very different, the child will have a hard time. But if the mother and father have similar views, this parenting style is quite suitable.
18. Don’t be a selfish or jealous parent. Do not say or do anything that would make the ex-spouse defend or attack. Do not slander the ex (former). The child wants to love both of you, so be it. No need to interfere: after all, when we try to harm the former, we first of all harm the children.
19. To properly raise a child, you yourself need to be patient, calm and mature. By the way, one more reason to look for a psychotherapist.
20. Divorce proceedings will one day end. Don’t say or do anything you’ll regret. Try to make things as easy and smart as possible for you, the kids, and your ex. The benefit will be huge.
Of course, not all of the above tips are suitable for everyone. But still, these are universal, proven rules. Use them to reflect on your situation.