Break out of a boring role

Role-playing games can be fun – as a hobby or a way to diversify sexual relationships. In psychotherapy they are used as a useful tool. But in life, the habit of playing the same role limits us.

An obedient boy, a clown, a bully, an excellent student … It starts from childhood. The role performs a certain function – to force us to live according to the scenario that is accepted in our family. With the help of punishments and rewards, pressure and manipulation, they show us a place, mark the boundaries of “possible” and “impossible”.

If you leave the system, it will jeopardize its equilibrium.

Therefore, family scenarios and familiar roles continue to exist and are later reproduced in romantic relationships, in friendships or professional areas. As adults, we get so used to the role that we can no longer appreciate the damage it causes. The role separates us from true needs and feelings. Something is sewn into the precious fabric of individuality that is not originally inherent in us, something that previously helped to avoid pain and receive the desired love, but at the moment prevents us from being ourselves.

Fortunately, no one is doomed to live forever with a false self. Often life itself pushes us to liberation. Chronic fatigue, irritability, or lack of self-esteem all indicate that the deep self is trying to get out of the dungeon. Here are five steps to understanding and getting out of the dictates of the usual role.

1. Find out what limits you

We do not always realize that we are in captivity of one role (“universal nanny”, comforter) or confirm our reputation (laughter, intellectual). First, it is usually difficult to disconnect from what is happening enough to watch yourself from the side. Secondly, over time, the “seams” between us and the usual role are ironed out.

How to achieve awareness? Notice that you are regularly and strongly disturbed or attracted to others – relatives, colleagues, acquaintances, and even just passers-by. For example, someone who was considered stupid in the family may envy an erudite employee, and a “good girl” may be crazy about an eccentric classmate.

Look at these characteristics as behaviors that you do not allow yourself, but would like to try. If we can’t stand anger or are fascinated by someone’s flight of thought, it’s often because we’ve had to repress it to keep the family system stable.

2. Reveal your need

Once you’ve identified a familiar role, make a list of the benefits and disadvantages it brings to you. Maybe she takes away criticism from you (“he is a fool, what to take from him”), but prevents you from achieving success. Or it gives a sense of importance (“she is our savior, she helps everyone”), but it prevents us from defending our own interests.

Determine what needs are hidden behind your role. Are you the standard of calm and are not able to get angry? It is possible that at one time you learned to suppress anger so as not to feel the pain of rejection. You concluded that if you stay quieter than water, lower than the grass, this will allow you to be comfortable with loved ones – and therefore, satisfy the need (conscious or unconscious) for acceptance.

3. Enter into a dialogue

The role is not only a burden. It can be your resource. Let’s remember the “kind guy” or “obedient girl”: it is difficult for them to assert themselves, but they are most likely diplomatic, adapt well and know how to keep secrets. To find out how your role helps you, enter into a dialogue.

Choose an object that is associated with her and place it in front of you. Reach out to him and, depending on the circumstances, ask the role to either stay on stage or step back and allow another facet of your personality to emerge that will better serve your interests at that moment. Only when the role from which you suffered ceases to dominate you, you will be able to appreciate its good sides.

4. Change the score

Once you figure out what the need was behind the role, you can find new ways to fill it. How? By creating and trying out new behaviors that are more in line with your personality. For example, for the Nice Guy, a step forward in this direction is to speak your mind, even if it does not coincide with the view of others, or to be firm in situations in which you previously had to remain silent or obey.

And the “cracker” will allow himself more spontaneity or courage and gradually abandon the stereotyped decisions or overly cautious behavior. Dare to gradually bring to life that side of you that was previously neglected.

5. Give yourself time

Remember that change doesn’t have to be fast. Give yourself time to learn how to act differently after living in the same role for so many years. Once it was very valuable and provided you with comfort. And if you want to give it up too quickly, it can be unsafe – like quickly knocking down a high temperature.

Try to be happy and notice even the smallest changes in behavior that allow you to be a little more yourself. Do not skip them and take your time – and everything will work out.