How do our beliefs prevent us from being good parents? What features of thinking complicate things, and which ones can help us make children happy? School psychologist Jessica Koehler talks about complex phenomena in clear words and helps to see the path of change for the better.
“The real revolution of our time has been the emergence of social media and the continuous flow of information. And although easy access to it is an undeniable advantage, it complicates cognitive processes, especially in the field of parenting, ”says school psychologist Jessica Koehler.
How to understand which way of education is the best if they contradict each other? Is it right to be a «tiger» mother? Is it bad to control and patronize a child? Should I stay at home after the baby is born or go to work?
These questions do not and cannot have simple answers. Most of them require very personal, individual decisions. And by accepting them, we run the risk of being trapped by our own prejudices and attitudes.
The cognitive dissonance
If it is necessary to digest conflicting information, the brain encounters difficulties. Beliefs undergo significant transformation if they conflict with our behavior or the world around us. This topic was the subject of a study by the American psychologist Leon Festinger, which had a significant impact on the professional community and near-psychological circles.
It was he who first spoke about cognitive dissonance — the process of changing a person’s beliefs under the influence of his behavior or environment. A classic example of this phenomenon can be seen in Aesop’s fable (in Russian literature — in the arrangement of I. A. Krylov) «The Fox and the Grapes»: the fox wants to get to the tasty berries, but the vine is too high. After trying unsuccessfully to get the grapes, the fox decides she doesn’t want it because it’s green and unripe.
Cognitive dissonance is a powerful force that affects thought processes
Parents can easily fall into this trap. For example, some mothers choose a career, while others want to stay at home with a child. Depending on which of these groups a woman belongs to, she is ready to consider the opposite position as “green grapes” and fight to defend the “correctness” of the position in which she may have found herself due to circumstances. Position “I can’t imagine what it’s like to raise a child and work! I would never do that!” is faced with the approach “I would never sit all day with the children — it’s too boring!”.
Cognitive dissonance is a powerful force that affects thought processes. We change our beliefs in order to eliminate inconsistencies between our thoughts, behavior and the world around us. And this cognitive bias can interfere with our ability to clearly see parenting choices.
Confirmation of our prejudices
We all tend to seek confirmation of the correctness of our own attitudes and opinions, as well as facts that speak of the “wrongness” of the opposite. Take, for example, politics: if we have formed a strong opinion about some issue or candidate, then when searching for information, we will choose what confirms our position. The same mechanism works for solving simpler problems.
Our tendency to find confirmation of our prejudices only at first glance seems harmless. Over time, this can become harmful. For example, if we are convinced that it is right to be strict, then we can search (and find) on the Internet for answers to questions like “why strict parents raise wonderful children” or read only resources that promote strictness in the upbringing system.
This happens everywhere and to everyone, which is why it is so important to take a step back and think about the consequences. More globally, a society in which everyone finds only confirmation of their own beliefs will become too polarized.
Persistence of Prejudice
What happens after our position is fully formed and we are faced with facts that refute it? Does our opinion change according to new information? Jessica Kehler is sure not. Usually we continue to hold on to our beliefs, despite evidence of their failure.
According to the results of the study, even having met with unequivocal evidence of the falsity of our ideas and concepts, we still remain true to them. Persistence is a phenomenon of the human psyche and a problem that runs deep into the realm of parenting.
For example, a mother believes that for proper socialization, a child should go to kindergarten at two years old. Even if she reads about a study that proves such an idea false, she will not want to change her belief system.
Analyze it
As intelligent consumers of information, we can make a difference if we analyze our own thought process. Do we always read the same parenting resources? Do we exchange information only in those groups where we adhere to the same position? Are you ready to doubt the correctness of your beliefs — even the strongest ones?
“If each of us makes even small changes towards reflecting on our own thoughts and behavior, this can be the beginning of big changes in our common world,” concludes Jessica Koehler.
About the author: Jessica Koehler is a school psychologist who researches teacher-student interactions.