“Learn to wash the dishes, otherwise they won’t marry”, “Boys should not carry a doll in a stroller” … Until now, we hear similar phrases from our parents to our children. The older generation is accustomed to dividing not only professions, but also children’s games into male and female. How to explain to them that the world has changed?
Today, there are practically no professions inaccessible to women, and men do not shy away from domestic work and increasingly use their right to take maternity leave. Gender stereotypes are not disappearing as quickly as we would like, but the trend is obvious. In a world where it is much less common than in the old days to kill a mammoth and provide meals for a family of 9, this is an absolutely natural course of events.
However, some grandparents continue to interfere in the upbringing of the new generation, relying on outdated standards. How to prevent it? Clinical psychologist Yana Akinkina helps to understand.
Listen and hear each other
Consider this situation: a grandmother begins to actively explain to her granddaughter her duties around the house “as a woman”. You do not agree with this position and do not want your daughter to be enslaved by stereotypes. In this case, to begin with, it is worth analyzing how often the child sees her.
“If a girl spends all her time with her parents and visits her grandmother once a week, who says that washing dishes is a woman’s duty, then you shouldn’t worry,” says Yana Akinkina. “Children are flexible, they quickly integrate into different systems and behave differently with different adults, whether it be a teacher, mother or grandmother.”
Moreover, if we protect the child from the influence of the grandmother, then we will deprive him of a complete picture of the world. The diversity of opinions in this case is only a plus. According to Yana Akinkina, thinking about how to reduce the amount of communication between a daughter and a grandmother is only worth it if they practically do not part and therefore the child adopts tt habits and beliefs.
However, if there is mutual understanding between mother and grandmother (own mother or mother-in-law), then before limiting communication, it is worth trying to negotiate.
“You can start a conversation, for example, with the fact that times have changed and if it was previously believed that only men could drive a train, now a girl driver in the subway is not news,” continues Yana Akinkina. – Yes, and not only boys, but also girls are military personnel. If your husband helps you cook and wash the dishes, that can also be used as an argument.”
You can’t tell grandma that everything she thought was right no longer makes sense.
According to the expert, sensitivity and affection will help to soften the beginning of the conversation as much as possible. For example: “Mom, I understand that you grew up like this, I respect your opinion, but now everything is different. We prepare the child for life in the modern world – not the same as it was before.
So please, if it’s not difficult for you, could you not draw such hard boundaries between women’s and men’s activities? Look at the reaction. If the grandmother is ready to listen to your words, then the issue can be considered resolved. Don’t forget to thank her for her understanding and responsiveness.
If any information is perceived with hostility, then arguing and trying to convince is pointless. As a rule, this causes a backlash – a protest. “Try to emphasize as much as possible how much you respect the opinion of your grandmother and believe that it has every right to exist. But, since the child is still yours, you ask her to control her statements, says Yana Akinkina.
“At the same time, you can’t just take it and declare to your grandmother that everything that she considered right now does not make sense. Like you, she has her own opinion, which must be reckoned with, continuing to carefully bend her line – without condemnation and humiliation, but with respect and dignity.
Talk to a child
If there is no contact, then the parents need to talk to the child and explain to him that the grandmother relies on knowledge that was previously considered useful, that she still believes in it, but everything is different in your family.
“Say that you do not think that boys should not play with dolls, and girls should not play with cars,” advises Yana Akinkina. “As long as children don’t think in patterns like adults, it’s easier to talk to them about it.”
Your boy carries a stroller, and you are worried that this is “not a man’s business”? Do not rush to sound the alarm. “If a child shows interest in a certain activity, first observe how he satisfies this interest and how long it will take him,” advises Yana Akinkina. – Our task as parents is to provide a fertile ground for nurturing the activity of the child.
See what he wants, what character and temperament he has. And only then decide what information and how to convey to him. However, it is possible to decide what is right for a child and what is not, only on the basis of the value system of the family in which he grows up.
“Some parents are liberal in matters of gender, others are conservative, but both beliefs have a right to exist,” the clinical psychologist is sure.
About expert
Yana Akinkina — clinical psychologist, perinatal psychologist, sexologist, sleep consultant. Certified international coach for the Kids’ Skills program, member of the Russian Society of Dream Researchers. Her .