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How to spend 8-10 hours with those who are unsympathetic to you, and what can you learn from this?
In a perfect world, we would be surrounded by exceptionally kind, considerate and well-mannered people, argues David William – writer, editor and publisher. We would understand others perfectly, be delighted with each other’s ideas and part in anticipation of a new meeting.
Alas, in life everything is not quite so – and sometimes not at all. Some “types” at work frankly get on our nerves with their character, habits, even appearance. Is it possible in principle to have a team of like-minded people in which all employees will be ideally compatible with each other?
According to Stanford professor of management theory Robert Sutton, this is not only impossible, but unnecessary. Happy people with high emotional intelligence find interacting with unpleasant co-workers an enriching experience. What can he teach?
1. All people are different
Sometimes we want to be “good” by all means and demand total acceptance from ourselves. But this is impossible: on the way, people will definitely come across whose behavior and views will run counter to ours.
The person we don’t like is not necessarily bad in and of itself. Nothing personal: we are just different, our values do not match. Having learned a simple truth, you can begin to relate to many potentially conflict situations more calmly.
2. Tolerance promotes growth
Perhaps the nervous attacks of one of the subordinates drive you into a frenzy, and the sour face of the secretary in the morning makes you want to fire her. However, from the point of view of efficiency, it is not recommended to select employees on the basis of personal sympathy.
“You need people with different temperaments, experiences, different points of view, and let them not be afraid to speak their mind. This helps the whole team avoid mistakes,” says Robert Sutton.
3. Good manners are priceless
Do not return rudeness with rudeness and do not enter into a conflict imposed on you when they try to provoke you. Restraint, objectivity and composure are your trump cards.
We are annoyed by those traits of others that we cannot accept in ourselves.
“Let no antipathy show on your face. You need to look professional and positive,” advises organizational psychologist Ben Dattner.
4. Silence is not always golden
If someone’s behavior or communication confuses you, calmly tell him about it. Avoid an accusatory tone – try the formula: “When you … I feel …” For example: “When you interrupt me, I feel that my words are not taken seriously.”
Pause and listen to a different point of view. It may turn out that a colleague did not even realize that you did not finish your speech, or your idea seemed so interesting to him that he hurried to intervene in the discussion.
5. Don’t judge others by yourself.
We often expect that in a given situation other people will behave in the same way as we do. It’s a delusion.
“People have an already formed set of personality traits. They cannot be changed by magic. When we expect others to follow our pattern of behavior, we must be prepared for disappointment and frustration,” explains psychology teacher Alan Cavaiola.
If a person constantly surprises you unpleasantly, draw conclusions. He won’t change.
6. Introspection is more useful than irritation
Focus on your feelings: we are often annoyed by those traits of others that we cannot accept in ourselves. Learn to monitor your emotional response so you can anticipate, mitigate, or even change it.
7. Distance as the last measure
If you still can’t establish a relationship with the “irritant”, keep contacts to a minimum, step back emotionally and go about your business. Move to another room or to the other end of the table in the meeting room.
Over time, with empathy and the ability to put things into perspective, you will be able to communicate equally effectively with everyone. This skill can and should be mastered.