Well-known neuropsychologist, ethologist and psychotherapist Boris Tsiryulnik has written many books. Most — about their work, a few — about themselves. We publish Boris Tsiryulnik’s reflections on writing and understanding one’s place in the world.
Psychologies: How did you become a writer?
B. C .: I started with autobiographies in the third person. All trauma survivors begin this way. Because before you say “I”, you need to get used to the words, emotions, images … And you also need other people to be ready to hear this story.
Now you speak in the first person, express your opinion. Irwin Yalom used the same technique. For psychoanalysts, this is not quite common, although there are more and more psychotherapists writing about themselves. What do you think of this trend?
B. C .: I see in it a sign of the evolution of psychoanalysis. You know, when I began to be interested in psychotherapy, psychoanalysis was subject to the strictest rules. One of them read: «The patient should not hear the sound of your voice.» This principle seemed crazy to me, and I did not hesitate to say about it: “When we are silent, we exacerbate the anxiety of our patients!”. Everyone mocked me: “O fool! He didn’t understand anything!» Under the pressure of all these “scientists”, I began to follow the dogma … And I did this until the day I realized that I had had enough and decided to speak. On this day, my training in this area ended ahead of schedule.
It must have been a big relief…
B. C .: Absolutely right! I suddenly became much freer, accompanying patients with a word, and I think that it was transmitted to them. But I already felt it when I myself underwent psychoanalysis. I took two courses. The first with a woman, and during this time I learned a lot. Then she died, and I went to a man, a «star», with whom nothing happened. And this despite the fact that they belonged to the same school. But I think that if something happened when this woman was working with me, it was because I felt a connection with her, I felt her warmth … Perhaps this is a fantasy, but nevertheless, with another psychoanalyst, I only felt cold . Young colleagues have changed their practical approach, they no longer adhere to rigid dogma, they speak, they do not hide. And the fact that they write on their own behalf is one of the signs of this evolution. Positive, in my opinion, if only because thanks to this, the patient learns that his psychotherapist is engaged in this craft for a reason.
But by doing so, you draw more attention to yourself. To be honest, do you like being famous?
B. C .: To be honest? I don’t know. If I’m noticing this, it’s only because more and more people are asking me, «What does it feel like to be a star?» And I think: “Wow, they think so?” Of course, it’s great that people come up to me, smile at me, say hello: there have been worse things in my life! .. It gives me a very pleasant feeling of inner peace, yes … The feeling that I was finally accepted …
Perhaps you became a well-known psychotherapist precisely because you were striving for recognition?
B. C .: Indeed, I had a need for recognition. But it would be easier for me to get it if I was more balanced; on the other hand, if I had been balanced, I would never have become a psychotherapist! I would probably become a cabinetmaker like my father.
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Do you think writing books has been beneficial to you?
B. C .: I enjoyed it and it surprised me. But did it bring any benefit … Writing to open up the wound can only reinforce the post-traumatic syndrome, it means remaining a prisoner of the past. If I wrote to say, «I suffered, I was unhappy, I had no parents,» I would be on the path leading to depression. But when I wrote to understand the past, I worked on my memory.
And yet you feel that you cannot exemplify resilience (1)…
B. C .: Yes, I cannot be considered a good example: I had to work on myself for decades … After the war, for two years, I stayed in a dozen government institutions … What I would have had if I had immediately found a reliable family and my culture — just I didn’t get this. No connections I could make, no adults to talk to… Just a deep sense of loneliness. But now we know that from a biological point of view, loneliness is much more destructive than mistreatment. That’s why I’m not a very good example of resilience. Even if in the end I met people who helped me, and my impulse to meet others, my passion for knowledge were precisely the factors of sustainability, still this is not enough to talk about resilience.
Are you saying that you are still a traumatized child?
B. C .: It’s impossible to gauge how traumatized who is: what will crush one may not crush another. I have a feeling that the experience did not become a trauma for me. And I prefer to think that the reason for this is the basic trust in the world (2) that I received from my mother during her pregnancy and in the very first time of my life.
In one of your books you write that your mother loved you with perfect love until in 1942 she left you in an orphanage and thus saved your life. Maybe you idealize her a little?
B. C .: Of course! But you know, only orphans have perfect parents: they have eternally young and beautiful mothers, they have eternally cheerful and just fathers. That’s why my mother was completely loving and my father was a brave hero.
- About shame. Die but don’t say
Didn’t it complicate your relationships, in particular with women?
B. C .: The problem was not so much with the choice of women, but with the choice of adoptive mothers. I remember one of my patients — the mother who left her remained ideal for her. And this idealization prevented her from becoming attached to her foster family. Until she went in search of her biological mother and, like in bad novels, the «Virgin Mary» turned out to be a prostitute. My patient was greatly relieved because after having «killed» her ideal mother, she was able to realize what her adoptive mother had given her. And for me, my ideal mother is not dead, I have no death certificate. She disappeared»…
Where does your story fit into the family you created? Have you talked about it with your wife?
B. C .: Yes, she needed to know with whom she was going on a joint voyage!
What about your children? Has your past become a burden to them?
B. C .: I remember the daughter of a communist resistance fighter who told me, “Until the age of 25, I didn’t dare to go into my room alone at night for fear of seeing piles of corpses and dripping fat.” Her father instilled in her the idea of horror. But the idea of horror is stronger than real horror; when you go to the cinema you cry, when in reality you are petrified. On the contrary, it seems to me that silence means protection. Unless it amputates part of the personality. And in this case, children are not worried about horror — they are alarmed by silence.
And what then to do?
B. C .: Use intermediaries: a theatrical performance, a text, a conversation with journalists …
1. In English. and fr. language there is the term resilience — resilience, meaning a whole range of qualities: resilience, fortitude, psychological stability in the face of trials, the ability to overcome difficulties and quickly restore mental strength.
2. The concept of basic trust belongs to Eric Erickson, an American psychoanalyst who worked on issues of developmental psychology. According to his theory, the child goes through three phases of development, which are characterized by three pairs of opposites: 1. Primary trust / distrust, 2. Autonomy / doubt and shame, 3. Initiative / guilt. See Erik Erikson Childhood and Society (Lenato, ACT, 1996) for more details.