They laugh at us maliciously, make venomous remarks, discuss the slightest mistakes and always see shortcomings in us … Why do we tolerate such treatment? Just because “family is family” and relatives are not chosen? How to solve the problem of toxic attitudes from loved ones?
“My cousin and wife, my mother and aunt seemed to have agreed. They constantly make fun of me and discuss behind the eyes of my husband. It so happened that in autumn we have three family holidays in a row, which are traditionally celebrated among relatives. And every time I go there with a heavy heart. I used to tolerate such behavior towards myself: whatever one may say, this is my relatives. But children grow up and adopt the behavior of adults. I do not want my son and daughter to see such treatment. The date of the event is approaching, and I don’t know what to do.”
Such an entry in one of the popular thematic communities received a large number of responses. The participants were divided into two camps: someone advised to immediately stop communicating with such relatives, but there were many who themselves have long suffered from tactless or even aggressive behavior of relatives, but are silent and restrained.
Some of those who maintain toxic family relationships do so deliberately. The reason is the benefit: in the form of material wealth, the expected inheritance, help with children or solving everyday problems. What makes others endure?
Any passive-aggressive comment or attack on you can negatively affect your mental health.
It is widely believed that blood ties are valuable in themselves. “A family is a family,” “relatives are not chosen,” and similar attitudes have traditionally been instilled in us since childhood. Blood ties have become fetters, it’s even scary to think about escaping. And many smart, independent and successful people take this idea for granted and continue to endure emotional stress in the circle of relatives, but not people close to them in spirit.
We have been tiptoeing around our relatives for years, even though they are the ones who start the conflicts. For what? Can common genes make us feel like one with a given group of people? Why persevere in a relationship that isn’t mutually beneficial? Is it really just because “blood is not water”? If these questions are spinning in your head, and the answers do not come by themselves, it is time to weigh the pros and cons of such communication.
Is it about you?
If you are not quite sure that this is your family’s problem, but some suspicions arise, try to remember the reason for the next intra-family dispute and determine your role. Here are some examples that should alert you:
- You are accused of being always busy and never giving enough time to your family;
- You “rarely call”, while those who say this never call themselves;
- In general, you are “too” – you are too smart, you argue too much, you take on too much, etc.;
- When you let your guard down and become yourself, immediately there is a problem in communication;
- When you honestly answer a given question, your answer is of no interest to anyone and may even cause discontent.
What is it?
The reasons for such an attitude towards one of the family members often lie in his dissimilarity to the rest. It is possible to be an introvert and have a narrower social circle than energetic relatives would like. Or, on the contrary, activity and enthusiasm against the background of the established habits of other family members causes irritation and provokes quarrels.
Perhaps your ideology is different and political and religious views cannot leave a “toxic” relative indifferent. In any case, one cannot turn a blind eye to systematic reproaches indefinitely. Any passive-aggressive comment or attack in your direction can negatively affect your mental health. Do not seek to justify another person simply because he is your second cousin.
The rules of “convenient” behavior, laid down from childhood, are difficult to change, but it is possible. Arguing with your conscience can take many years before one day you say to yourself: “This is my life! Only I can choose who to share it with.”
Three Steps to Personal Freedom
1. Set clear boundaries
Although we have heard this hundreds of times, not everyone succeeds in using the technique in everyday communication. And in vain, because a clear pronunciation of one’s position helps to solve the problem before it arises. Try to voice to your relatives what you do not like about their behavior. Speak out your dissatisfaction and call for changes in communication. And immediately indicate that you do not intend to endure further. If your offer is rejected, you and these people are out of the way.
2. Apply the Friend Test
For some reason, it is rarely applied to family members. Ask yourself if you would like to be friends with this person if he was not your relative. Sometimes the answer is no, and there is something to think about. After all, if you had similar problems with a colleague or friend, you would hardly have tried with all your might to maintain friendly communication. And if friendship is impossible, and you no longer want to exist in a military regime, then it’s time for you to move on the other way.
3. Remember yourself
Realizing that your peace of mind is more important than anything in the world is a pleasant discovery. Feelings and desires of relatives can be relegated to the background. Not responding to an unpleasant message, skipping an uncomfortable family reunion. At first it will seem that the feeling of guilt will not give rest. But understanding that in this way you protect yourself from a source of stress will help you adopt a new pattern of behavior. You will see that the freedom was worth it.