Blame poisons relationships

Let the one who never criticizes a partner be the first to throw a stone! After all, it is convenient to blame him in order to whitewash yourself. Beware: reproaches can destroy relationships.

No couple can avoid disagreement, no person can resist the urge to rebuke the other for doing something wrong. Some are annoyed by the unlit light in the bathroom, others are angry at the talkativeness or extravagance of their partner. As long as it is a matter of trifles, and the accused and the accuser change places, everything is in order.

“It’s good when partners are ready to hear each other, accept criticism, and considering it fair, change something in their behavior,” says family systemic psychotherapist Boris Shapiro. “In this case, the feeling of guilt becomes a point of growth.” But when we talk about the danger of constant reproaches, we don’t mean these little “skirmishes” at all, but provoking feelings of guilt as a strategy for family life. The goal and result of such a strategy is undivided and undeniable power over a partner.

Words are often not needed to evoke feelings of guilt. “My first husband never raised his voice at me, he just… rolled his eyes! And I immediately agreed with him, rushed to “correct”: remake, wash, re-educate … However, this did not suit him either, ”says 42-year-old Evgenia almost eight years after the breakup.

“The one who is dissatisfied with everything is sure that others are obliged to meet his expectations,” explains psychologist Alexandra Suchkova. “The closer the partner is to my idea of ​​perfection, the more wonderful person I feel.” Instilling a sense of guilt in another, believing that he is responsible for everything and is to blame for everything is also a way to shift responsibility to another, justify himself and protect his narcissistic picture of the world: after all, it’s not me who is bad, but he (a)! The mechanism of instilling feelings of guilt works precisely on this fuel.

Reproaches as a way of blackmail

Just as children demand gifts from their parents if they allow themselves to leave for a few days, so adults, making a partner feel guilty, get what they want from him. But we can also talk about the psychological mechanism of projection: we attribute our own weaknesses or vices to others when we are not ready to see them in ourselves.

“By shifting the blame to someone else, we stop feeling guilty. This mechanism, for example, is often used by men and women who would like to have an affair on the side,” explains Boris Shapiro. Not daring to admit to themselves this desire, they reproach the other for infidelity. These reproaches allow, for example, to leave a partner without guilt.

The same mechanism works in the case of real infidelity: the one who knows himself that he is to blame blames the other for all the sins in order to feel better … The one who prefers to list claims that are not related to the true cause of discontent, for example, sexual dissatisfaction , deprives the couple of the opportunity to talk about their difficulties and change the relationship. However, this requires a mutual desire to change. To be able to play on guilt, both partners need to participate in the game. One blames, and the other allows him to do so and is ready to listen to accusations and endless reproaches: “Because of you, I’m bored, because of you I’m unhappy!”

Reproaches as satisfaction of needs

“There is a pair of “victim” and “executioner,” explains Boris Shapiro. “The one who forms the feeling of guilt is the executioner, the one who develops it turns out to be the victim. But the executioner also has a feeling of guilt, and then it turns out that the family system consists of two executioners and two victims (and in many couples there is a “competition” for which spouse is more victim).

In this play, everyone plays their part, and if one of the two suddenly goes out of character, everything will fall apart! “As soon as the accuser or the victim takes a step to the side, he will immediately be returned to his place, because the couple has already formed a neurotic connection,” explains psychoanalyst Sophie Kadalen. “A strong network of mutual accusations, unfortunately, unites many couples.” Often the prerequisites for the role of the accuser or the accused arise in early childhood.

“We felt guilty that we weren’t perfect, that we couldn’t make our parents happy,” explains Sophie Kadalen. “And now we either identify with the parent and play the role of the one whose expectations are deceived, or we continue to feel guilty and fight as much as we can with this feeling.”

There are three motives for the formation of a sense of guilt – Boris Shapiro sums up. The first is an increase in self-esteem: “I know how to do the right thing, but you don’t.” Second: acting out. Partners endlessly criticize each other, as if playing ping-pong. Such a game of reproaches allows you to mask a deep sense of trouble, not to think about what is going wrong in a relationship. Finally, the third motive is the need for recognition and love: “Prove to me that you love me, give me what I lack, and then I will believe.”

Reproach as a sign of weakness

By seeking power over another person through his devaluation, the accuser shows his vulnerability. After all, he could not find another way to achieve balance in the relationship, except by creating a partner’s sense of self-doubt.

What fate awaits such a couple? When one of the two believes that the relationship is based on trust, and the other uses this to hit a sore spot over and over again, which only he knows about, there is a great risk that trust will forever leave the relationship and the union will fall apart.

In addition, the desire to make the other guilty lies at the heart of the paradoxical “messages” that lead the couple to a dead end. For example, a man gives his wife flowers, and she immediately suspects that in this way he wants to make amends for some bad deed of his.

“A man is to blame in any case: when he gives flowers, and when he doesn’t,” says Alexandra Suchkova. Whatever he does, he is always wrong. It’s good if at some point he can think about why this is happening, is this exactly the relationship that he dreamed of, and does it have a future.

Another paradoxical situation is when a woman demands from her partner that he be more powerful: by obeying her demand, he will show that he has no power, and thereby lose authority in her eyes.

No less dangerous is destructive criticism of the personality of another, circumstances that no one can change – traits of character, origin … Demanding bright emotionality and sociability from an introverted man or reproaching his wife for a modest origin means pointing them to a problem with which they can do nothing to do. But if the partner is so imperfect, why continue to live with him?

“It means that there are some kind of hooks and magnets that are held together,” continues Boris Shapiro. – Everyone weighs on invisible scales all the pluses and minuses. As long as the pros outweigh the pair, the pair is likely to remain. But the situation will not fundamentally change.”

It is useless to try to switch roles, to try to meet the accuser’s growing demands, or to fight him with his own weapon, showering him with reproaches. This will not help win his love, rather the opposite – he will finally lose interest in a partner. We must not forget: we are more attracted in another not by similarity with us, but by what he does not resemble us.

How not to become an accuser: practical advice

Anyone who feels like a victim can imperceptibly turn into an executioner. What can be done to prevent this from happening?

Do not generalize. How often, instead of being momentarily upset that another has forgotten to buy bread (or fulfill some other small request), we exclaim in our hearts: “Well, as always!” It’s these kinds of reproaches that make you feel guilty. Try not to connect “here and now” with the burden accumulated over the years of living together. “Do not speak the language of claims, reproaches,” insists psychologist Alexandra Suchkova. “Switch to “I-statements”, start sentences with the words “it seems to me”, “I think” – this greatly reduces the degree of possible discussion.

Take a different point of view. If a partner does not think the same as you, this does not mean that he thinks wrong. “Many people think that they know everything and best of all,” says family psychotherapist Boris Shapiro. “It is worth developing tolerance in yourself, which means accepting the other person as he is.” Respect each other’s boundaries. Ask yourself why your partner’s position annoys you so much. Analyzing, you can find the reasons for hostility to the opposite opinion … in yourself.

Don’t look for the ideal. We often make excessive demands on ourselves and our partner – on our couple, which should be the best. Considering at the same time that the other should make us happier, give us what we cannot achieve on our own. “The ideal is a frozen form, and life is a living tissue,” says Alexandra Suchkova. — It has dynamics and surprises, and it’s interesting. You should not expect that the partner owes us something, you can just try together to create a relationship that will suit both. Agree, this goal is much more attractive than finding someone to blame at any cost.