With the advent of the second child in the family, children often unconsciously begin to compete for the attention of their parents, and sometimes this competition leads to serious psychological problems. We talk about the origins of the “big sister syndrome” and its possible consequences.
Often adults underestimate youth social networks, call them a waste of time and believe that they are only suitable for videos with cute animals, dancing and other antics. However, seemingly funny videos can be one of the forms of communication between young people about really serious problems and inner experiences.
So, for example, recently in TikTok the “big sister syndrome” began to be actively discussed. Users in the form of ironic sketches began to spread their thoughts about how they were affected by the birth of a second (or more) child in the family.
There are now over 173 million clips under the #oldersister hashtag. We decided to find out if this syndrome really exists, how it affects girls and how dangerous it is for their future.
Causes of the syndrome
«Big Sister Syndrome» is a special case of the more well-known phenomenon — «older child syndrome».
Before the birth of a brother or sister, the eldest child, being the only one, was the center of the family, he had little reason to doubt the love of his parents. With the advent of a brother or sister, in his opinion, the situation changed dramatically — the love of parents had to be shared with someone else.
“This is how the “trauma of dethronement” arises. The child ceases to be the only one, envy arises and competition is formed. And this is normal, it is biologically and psychologically obvious, ”says psychologist and psychotherapist Irina Belousova.
Most often, children between the ages of three and six get into this situation, they are just going through the Oedipal period — they learn to identify themselves, reconcile with their «I». In a situation where parents devote more time to other children, the child experiences difficulties with self-determination and independence too early and begins to look for the cause of the problem in himself.
“He remembers how he was loved before the birth of a brother or sister and how they cut off attention after. And the child’s psyche is usually egocentric and gives the installation: “Everything that happens is all because of me,” the psychologist explains. In her opinion, girls are more difficult to cope with this complex, so this syndrome has separated into a separate phenomenon.
The path to success
There are two sides to the development of Big Sister Syndrome. The first is the girl’s thoughts that she can win back the love of her parents. For example, with the help of good grades, certificates or merit in sports.
“She has an illusion:“ If I bring achievements and be good, I may be returned to the lost “throne”. And parents do not understand what is behind the fives and the Olympiad diplomas, which can already be pasted over the walls. They really sincerely rejoice at the successes of the older child, and this, in turn, only “sharpens” the older sister for achievements even more, ”says Irina Belousova.
If this situation is not accompanied by at least some manifestation of warmth from the parents, then in adulthood a person can become emotionally deaf and melancholy, and also begin to suffer from problems in the sexual sphere and low self-esteem.
“Big sisters who live in constant struggle are forever teetering on the fine line between flash of triumph and depression. In such cases, aggression towards parents for rejection — forbidden, unaccepted, unreasonable — turns on one’s own «I».
Endless questions to myself begin: “Why am I not like that? What sins have I committed? What else do I need to do to finally earn love? Belousova explains. Some psychoanalysts call this condition «negative narcissism.»
The path of caring for the younger
The reverse side of the coin is the situation when the sister, on the contrary, does not compete with another child, but overprotects him, takes on the responsibilities of a parent.
It’s all the same repressed anger or demonstrations in front of parents in order to get more love: “It’s a slightly different strategy of competition. In this case, the girl is identified with the “good parent” in herself. But the reason for such behavior, as a rule, is one — repressed aggression.
In adult life, such girls often continue to look for an object for guardianship. They care too much about their romantic partners, become their “moms”, making them the center of their lives, and think that this is how they can receive love in return.
What to do?
In order not to develop this syndrome in a child, it is enough for parents to let him know that he is still loved and that feelings for him are unconditional, even if a brother or sister appears.
Parents need to make sure that the child does not feel lonely. By all actions they must demonstrate that they see, love and support him.
“Children don’t owe us anything. They just come into this world, into our family, and look for ways to avoid pain. It is our duty to love and raise them healthy,” sums up the psychologist.