No matter how much research scientists have done, we still encounter myths and misconceptions in the sexual sphere. Let’s try to figure it out: does size really matter? And if so, for which of the partners?
In our editorial staff, this topic caused some discussion, during which the question arose: who dreams of a penis more like from a porn movie frame, a man or a woman? The question might seem frivolous, but after all, nothing characterizes the society of this or that era so vividly as the sexual fantasies in which it lives.
Male fantasy: tireless lover
“A man’s identity is inseparable from his sexuality,” explains sociologist and sexologist Igor Kon in his book Sexology. “Moreover, in the public mind (and especially in the male mind), masculinity and sexuality are almost synonymous.”
The phallus is an object of worship among many peoples. And where there is a cult, there are myths, and where there are myths, there are fears. The penis remains a symbol of masculinity today and at the same time a source of anxiety for men.
“It is very important for me that my girlfriend compliments me,” admits 35-year-old George. “It may seem ridiculous, but her words raise my self-esteem.” Such self-centered desires seem to be characteristic of men of any era.
“The sphere of sexuality does not recognize losers,” explains the Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. “It is important here to achieve orgasm and get (deliver) pleasure – perhaps that is why the male genital organ is perceived by many as a kind of mechanism that should not fail and does not require much effort on the part of its owner.”
Indeed, one of the myths that is actively exploited today by advertising and the porn industry is based on the idea of “well-oiled” sex, in which there is no place for awkwardness and misfires. With this approach, having a penis of impressive size seems to be a guarantee of success. “However,” Igor Kon clarifies, “the so-called real man in our ideas always had a long and hard, unbending member, the main sign of manhood and strength, which was associated with high sexual potency.”
In the understanding of many, a good lover is one who has excellent anatomical data, and not erotic talent.
In most cases, the dream of a large penis expresses a man’s desire to always be intimately impeccable. “Sexual failure is one of the main fears of a modern man,” confirms psychotherapist and sexologist Jean-Michel Fitremann. “The idea of harmony in sex is associated with an erection: for a woman, it is evidence of her desirability, and for a man, proof of his ability to satisfy his partner.”
At the same time, the assertions of sexologists that the length and size of the penis are in no way related to erectile function are absolutely useless: the idea that only a large penis is insured against sexual failures has become too deeply rooted in our unconscious. “Whenever a man turns to a sexologist about problems with potency, he asks a question about the size of his organ,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko.
“But most men are still concerned not with the size itself, but with the ability to deliver the highest pleasure to a woman,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “But in the understanding of many, a good lover is someone who has excellent anatomical data, and not erotic talent.”
“I would like my penis to be thicker,” admits Rodion, 40. “I think I would feel more confident and my partner’s feelings from sex would be more intense.”
Concern about female sexual satisfaction is what the revolution in the mind of the modern man is. “The fear of not being able to bring a woman to orgasm becomes an obsession for many,” confirms Jean-Michel Fitremann. — At the same time, men do not realize that by doing so they put themselves in a dependent position: it turns out that if a woman has not reached orgasm, her partner automatically turns into a loser. As if only he bore all the responsibility for the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction.»
A man’s complaints about the «inappropriate size» often mean … his inability to understand relationships, says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov.
“When a relationship is complicated, many men (and women) prefer to reduce their clarification to one seemingly understandable reason for both — “small size”. This is the easiest and safest way to avoid difficult conversations and bonding efforts as a couple. After all, only nature is “to blame” for the size of the organs of the body, but not its owner, and even more so not his partner. Thus, it turns out that no one in the couple is responsible for anything and cannot change anything in the relationship … «
Women’s fantasy: power and strength
Over the past decades, gender roles in society have changed: now women openly declare their desire and right to achieve orgasm. “They want to have fun, and if they don’t have it, they don’t hesitate to say so and are often even ready to change their partner,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “This situation is overwhelming for men, especially in couples where partners do not know how to treat each other with care.”
A modern woman needs a strong man. “But when fantasizing about a strong penis, most women do not have in mind its size,” says Violin-Patricia Galbert. “They just want to feel that their partner can be relied upon in terms of their experience and skill in sex.”
In addition, objectively speaking, the size of the penis for a woman’s sensuality is not so important. “After all, her genitals are very plastic and, after a short “trial” period, they easily adjust to the desired size,” says Igor Kon. — Only 5% of women may experience problems with this. Their sexual pleasure depends on the size of the penis much less than is commonly believed, and often not at all connected with it.
Sexual satisfaction depends on our unconscious, personality traits and life history
A large penis can even become an obstacle to building harmonious sexual relationships. During physical intimacy, he often gives a woman discomfort. “Real life is far from pornographic films,” recalls family therapist Inna Khamitova. — I was contacted more than once by couples in which women spoke of severe discomfort associated with an oversized partner’s penis. During intimacy, the movement of such a member inside the vagina gives them pain. And sometimes (depending on the anatomy of the woman) penetration becomes simply impossible.
It is no coincidence that the Kamasutra does not advise a man with an «elephant penis» to have sexual relations with a woman with a «gazelle vagina».
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Sexual satisfaction depends on our unconscious, personality traits and life history. For psychotherapists and sexologists, it is obvious: if a man and a woman, building a trusting relationship, strive to give each other maximum pleasure, the size of the penis does not play a special role. We should rely more on our imagination, sensuality and creative attitude towards sex, not trying to meet the parameters imposed by someone.