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The limit of sexual arousal, the height of bliss – is orgasm really the very experience that you need to strive for at any cost? No, our experts say: when he becomes a target, lovers risk missing out on the ultimate pleasure that uplifts the body and intoxicates the spirit…
“Today, I somehow feel the pleasure of sex differently,” says 38-year-old Margarita. “It’s not that the orgasm is sharper than ten years ago, but I feel more mature sexually. I understand my body better, I trust it more, I know how to “let go”. I can play with my body and my partner’s body, and as a result, I increasingly experience the climax of desire and arousal.
From the first experiences alone to mutual pleasure in a couple – our path to orgasm lies through the discovery of different aspects of sexuality. Sexologist Natalya Stenyaeva distinguishes three types of pleasure: genital (from bodily contact), impulsive (caused by visual, tactile, taste sensations) and ideal (based on shared values and arising in strong trusting relationships). She explains: “Of course, genital union is of paramount importance for sexuality, but two other sources of pleasure should not be neglected. They allow you to comprehend the depth of pleasure. “Modern culture is dominated by purely genital pleasure, moreover, of a mechanical type,” says psychotherapist Alexander Tesler. – Manuals and instructions are multiplying, promising extraordinary orgasms and trouble-free erections. As a result, more women and men are seeking to master the technique, which is supposed to lead to greater enjoyment. But this does not happen, on the contrary, such a race limits sexuality, prevents it from manifesting itself to the fullest. ”
Genital contact is an important, but not the only and even not always an obligatory factor in sexual pleasure. Each of us can discover our own keys to enjoyment. But when we set certain goals in the sexual sphere, for example, we strive to achieve an orgasm without fail or win more women than a friend or colleague, we do not allow our pleasure to develop, we risk not feeling pleasure. “After all, in this case, we involuntarily begin to control our emotions and sensations,” explains Natalia Stenyaeva, “and gradually stop feeling and understanding our body. It is difficult for us to enjoy its rhythm without focusing all attention on the pleasure of a partner and without making our pleasure dependent on his feelings. Pleasure is very capricious and does not obey rigid rules.
Recent discovery
The word “orgasm” appeared in the Russian language not so long ago. Dahl’s dictionary (1863) does not yet have it. But Brockhaus and Efron (1890) already have it – with a slightly ornate, but still understandable definition: “the highest degree of feeling of sexual voluptuousness.” But in Europe, the history of orgasm is richer. And at first this word had nothing to do with sex. After all, it comes from the Greek organ, which translates as “burning with heat”, and meant, accordingly, a flash of anger. Thus, from the “Encyclopedia” of Diderot and d’Alembert, an inquisitive Frenchman at the end of the 1830th century could learn that nervous people are prone to “attacks of orgasm”, that is, hysterical seizures. It wasn’t until around XNUMX that the word “orgasm” became synonymous with sexual satisfaction. But exclusively male: women were denied the right to pleasure by the puritanical mores of that era. And only in the XNUMXth century did the orgasm become a woman’s property. And it soon became clear that in women it is possible even in two forms: clitoral and vaginal. But the echoes of male chauvinism still make themselves felt. The clitoral orgasm is considered less valuable by many because it can be achieved through masturbation. Vaginal, on the other hand, is possible only with coitus, which means that it is generously bestowed by a man and (as expected) should be valued much higher.
Yuri Zubtsov
Where does orgasm occur?
Our main sexual organ is the brain. This is where the orgasmic reaction takes place. The brain receives impulses from nerve endings located in the glans penis of a man, as well as in the clitoris, the anterior wall of the vagina and the cervix of a woman. The impulses act on the thalamus opticus, the thalamus opticus, an area of the brain that science assigns a crucial role in the mechanism of orgasm. In addition, the process includes the limbic system, which is responsible for our emotions. In accordance with their commands, stimulating substances and electrical impulses enter the pelvic region through the spinal cord, which lead to the contraction of specific muscle groups. Blood vessels dilate, increasing blood flow to the genitals, chest and face. Breathing becomes more frequent, the heart rate increases to 180 beats per minute and even higher, blood pressure rises. And since all these symptoms correspond to severe stress, the brain begins to synthesize an increased amount of endorphins, “happy hormones”. Entering the bloodstream, they contribute to relaxation, and we experience a feeling of deepest pleasure.
Understand your body
“Stop constantly thinking about orgasm, but pay more attention to your bodily sensations at different moments of everyday life,” advises gynecologist Elena Egorova. – It is worth developing your sensuality and your sexuality from the simplest things that we usually neglect: to learn how to deeply relax, breathe, take care of your body – not in order to make it beautiful or desirable, but in order to get used to truly living in him”.
36-year-old Elena learned to perceive her body more sensitively thanks to massage sessions. “I am a very rational person and have always loved with my head, not with my body, not with my skin,” she admits. “I started getting massages because of posture problems and suddenly realized that my body knows something about me that I didn’t even know about. Thanks to the new physical sensations, I learned to relax, “turn off the mind” and give free rein to the instinct that is beyond my control of the animal nature.
push the boundaries
To discover a new dimension of our nature, to let our body take control, not to be afraid of our instincts and fantasies: only at the risk of learning new things about ourselves can we reach the culmination of sexual pleasure. “It is a mistake to believe that sexuality, the strength of our experiences are given in advance,” explains sexologist Irina Panyukova. – In adolescence, we acquired certain sexual knowledge, experience, but in order for sex not to become a mere repetition, this experience must be expanded, more and more accurately determining our preferences. This work lasts a lifetime. Work that requires curiosity, inner freedom, and it can only be done by two people.
During adolescence, we discover our own body. Then, interacting with a partner, more or less experienced, we learn from each other. As we mature sexually, we develop our own scheme, our own paths to ideal pleasure. Each of us is capable of enriching our sexual experience, but in practice, many couples use the same scripts for many years. They make love automatically, repeating their pleasure patterns. Repeating is convenient, because an orgasm is almost guaranteed … but over time it gets boring. It is difficult to vary caresses, positions, rhythm and erotic fantasies. Falling into the trap of ease and simplicity, lovers automatically start having sex, and as a result they get less and less satisfaction from it. The reason is not only that in the routine of everyday life, desire is erased, comes to naught. There is also a hidden fear of surrendering to pleasure, of losing yourself in the rolling wave of orgasm – not without reason in some languages it is called “little death”.
“The fear of losing physical and mental control can be very strong,” says family psychologist Ina Bausheva. – Many women, coming to a consultation, admit that they block their feelings as soon as the sensations begin to intensify. In men, fear takes a different form: they try to impose their version of pleasure on their partner, following the routine once and for all. In both cases, there may be orgasms, but one cannot speak of true pleasure.
Sex-fiction
“Lisa clung to me like a little bloodsucker, it was not very sexy, but it spoke of the fullness of feelings, – then we found what we needed, quick dotted kisses at a stupefying pace and slow, soulful, astringent, – I ran in my head a company of tiny drummers, with a small fraction, and things started to go. Her breasts turned out to be small, tight, and extraordinarily sensitive; an exciting, indescribably tender smell emanated from her, which could not be said about her mother’s dressing gown; however, the robe was already open. My hand wandered along the routes of the brave and bold, then boldly penetrated Liza, and she, sighing, trembled, darted around under my arm like a brisk lizard, completely entangled in the remnants of my mother’s dressing gown, which in the end flew almost onto the chandelier, and I tore off with a jerk, like a spacesuit. Liza knocked me over on herself – we had no need to engage in a love game, we had no time for a game – and I got bogged down in Liza, like a fly in jam, bogged down, drowned, took, hummed like a bell on the days of celebrations, then roared like a rocket, and either by a blast wave, or by jet propulsion, I was thrown onto land, and I woke up from Lisa, but did not free myself.
Ergali Ger “Tales on the phone” Limbus Press, 1999
Know yourself better… to surprise yourself
For 36-year-old Maxim, an unexpected discovery was … the female aspect of his sexuality. Usually in sex he behaved actively, but at that time he experienced the pleasure of being caressed, and then a woman took possession of him. The shyness that he initially felt transformed into an admiring agreement: “And this passive man is also me, and I am not ashamed of it. I would say that I became a better lover than before, I opened a new register in myself.
Knowing oneself to surprise oneself could be the motto for those who do not want to be content with standard pleasure. “Do not forbid anything and do not impose anything on your partner,” comments Alexander Tesler. – Game, improvisation helps to express your hidden desires and fantasies, to focus on the sensations of the body. To play is also to accept the fact that there are ups and downs in sexual relationships. And we must accept this and allow ourselves to show in sex that part of our nature that usually eludes us. “An example of a happy couple is not a passionately in love young man and a girl, but spouses who have lived together for decades and have maintained a rich sexual relationship,” says Natalya Stenyaeva. – Such an experience is available to any couple if they do not look back at myths (for example, that sex is not needed in old age) or at someone else’s opinion about the boundaries of the norm. The range of acceptability is different for everyone – from marriage without genital contact to the most daring experiments. No one can judge how good and “correct” your couple’s sex life is – except you.
Approximately 80% of arousal comes from touch and only 20% from visual impressions, our experts say. We need physical contact of all parts of the body. On the surface of the skin there are many receptors that are also pleasure traps. “The moment of merging with another in sex is the best experience available to a person, it is comparable only to the merged existence of a baby and mother,” adds Ina Bausheva. – Proximity with another allows us to forget, at least for a short time, that we are limited by the body shell. It opens up new dimensions of space and time to us, primarily because physiologically, at the same time, we simply bathe in the flow of endorphins – hormones that cause a feeling of euphoria. And also psychologically, because we feel truly united with our partner. This fullness of pleasure is sometimes called by sexologists “transcendental” in the original sense of the word. At such moments, we begin to perceive reality differently. Our sensuality, erotic imagination and affects are combined, and experiences are close to insights. Pleasure is no longer reduced to a mechanical reflex, it becomes a unique experience that takes us beyond ourselves. Enjoyment embraces the whole being, and there is a wonderful sense of oneness with oneself.
About it
- Alexander Lowen love and orgasm. A modern look at the psychology of sexual satisfaction “Phoenix, 1998
- Robert Mushemble “Orgasm, or Love Joys in the West: a history of pleasure from the 2009th century to the present” UFO, XNUMX