Beware: narcissism!

“Maxim was witty, elegant, looked after me beautifully, like a prince for a princess,” recalls 29-year-old Inessa. – We lived together for six months, he carried me in his arms both literally and figuratively. When I found out that I was pregnant, I flew to him as if on wings, I thought we would be even happier. And he left! He just walked out the door and didn’t come back. I called him for three days, and finally he answered. I begged him to explain what was the matter. “You will become fat and ugly,” he said. Or you will have an abortion and cry. Yes, and still already tired, ”and turned off the phone.”

The reluctance to deal with the everyday, boring side of life is one of the characteristics of those who are called narcissists. “They have a high opinion of themselves and believe that their life should be bright and exceptional,” clinical psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya describes their traits. “If partners are unable to meet their requirements, narcissists part with them without regret.”

These traits are not limited to personal life. At work, they are absolutely sure that all the best is theirs by right. “I was so confused that I didn’t even object when my colleague, presenting a joint project, attributed all the credit to herself and hinted that as a young employee she was much more promising than me,” recalls 36-year-old Elena. “But while we were working, she constantly asked me for advice.”

Considering themselves exceptional, narcissists are convinced that they deserve more than others. In all others, they see either an enthusiastic audience or a means to the goal, which can be forgotten when the goal is achieved. In a strange way, they do not immediately understand this. Because at first glance, the narcissist is charming, brilliant, effective. He knows how to entertain society, often smart and attractive. But once you get to know him better, the picture changes.

Inner emptiness

You notice that he only talks about himself, about his successes and exploits, demanding special attention to himself. He idealizes all his deeds and achievements and often devalues ​​the successes of other people. In response to the slightest criticism, he falls into a rage or pours winter cold.

Do not try to doubt his uniqueness, otherwise you will incur his wrath – he will turn away and erect a wall of silence between you. Such people often deny their need for someone else’s participation, but in fact they need the admiration of others. Their self-esteem depends on the opinions of others.

“We are all, to one degree or another, worried about what they think of us, but for a narcissist, this is a matter of life,” says Tatyana Voskresenskaya. He exists for himself only as a reflection in the eyes of other people. Therefore, when they turn away from him, he perceives the disappearance of the reflection as a threat to his existence. Hence his sharp reaction to criticism: he will fiercely defend himself, accusing others of complete insignificance.

In the place where most people have an idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe “I”, the narcissistic person has a feeling of emptiness. It is this that pushes him to exploits and accomplishments, sometimes really impressive and worthy of sincere admiration.

Narcissists are almost incapable of being aware of their own feelings and desires, so they have no basis for understanding the feelings and desires of others. “Hence the fatal lack of empathy,” continues Tatyana Voskresenskaya. “A narcissist is capable of inflicting severe pain on a loved one without even knowing it.”

Self-conceit, arrogance, resentment, and brilliant manipulative abilities are the traits by which we can recognize narcissists. But among them there are those who are more difficult to recognize: at first glance, they seem modest and even downtrodden. It is vital for them to be able to control another person.

“Pushing, for example, her husband up the career ladder, a woman increases her own importance,” explains the psychologist. “To do this, it establishes control over the other, control unconditional and not subject to objection.”

Narcissus as a spouse

The narcissist spouse is a real test, he is constantly preoccupied with how to best present himself. He avoids intimacy, emphasizes his independence, but at the same time he is a terrible envious and possessive person. Like Narcissus, the beautiful youth of myth who is in love with his own reflection, the narcissist is incapable of understanding himself and truly loving.

An indispensable condition for love, according to Sigmund Freud in his book “I and It”, is the meeting of two streams: “gentle” and “sensual”. The sensual flow is sexuality, while the gentle flow combines such qualities as caring, interest in another person, gratitude, the ability to listen and find compromises. Narcissists do not know how to love “gently”.

“They forget important events and dates from the life of their spouse,” says Tatyana Voskresenskaya, “they are not interested in his relatives, they are in no hurry to support him in a dispute, they do not know how to adapt their needs to changes in the states of another person.” In addition, they are vindictive and vengeful. For the time being, their vindictiveness is hidden behind a facade of composure and imaginary peacefulness. However, the anger hidden in the depths of the soul breaks through in sarcastic remarks or unwillingness to do something for the sake of another.

Many psychologists believe that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed from the start. “They cause a loved one a lot of pain, destroy his self-esteem and disorient him. And it’s almost impossible to change that,” emphasizes Tatyana Voskresenskaya. Tough sentence! Maybe these are the new pariahs in our society? However, narcissism also has its reasons. And they need to be known, because this is the only way to try to understand a partner with a narcissistic personality. And understanding is an opportunity to try to get along with it.

Causes and Effects

“The drama of a person with a narcissistic disorder begins with the drama of his parents,” explains psychoanalyst René Roussillon. Because of their own problems or unfulfilled needs, they either pay too much attention to the child, or neglect him, leave him alone.

Spoiled. The child is the center of the world. It depends on the mood of the parents. If the child is witty, demonstrates success, they are satisfied and he can count on their love. If not, the parents are in despair: the world is collapsing.

Such parents exploit the child to satisfy their own sense of superiority. They believe that they are worthy of admiration because they have such a beautiful, gifted child, they proudly talk about his successes, while with the child themselves they behave detached and cold.

Addiction. Children are not given independence. Parents regulate and decide everything. Therefore, children do not know their abilities, they simply do not have a chance to understand themselves.

“Our attitude towards ourselves is based on how others treated us, especially our mother,” explains René Roussillon. “The problem with narcissistic people is that in childhood they had to be a means to satisfy the ambitions of their mother or other loved ones, they did not feel that they were simply loved, and therefore, even for themselves, they do not exist as an independent value.”

Spoiled, just like addiction, leads to the fact that the child understands that he cannot rely on other people. The most difficult results for the individual are obtained if the praise and indifference of the parents alternate for no apparent reason. Such a child is constantly insecure, but learns to hide his fears, because he knows that he will not find understanding.

He tries to become something extraordinary so as not to disappoint his parents, and develops a life strategy that will give him independence from parental love. “I don’t need you. I do not need anybody. I rely only on myself.” This attitude protects the narcissist from new trauma and disappointment.

He prefers a safe distance because close relationships scare him like hot milk scares a person with burned lips. However, narcissism has long ceased to be a personal problem, the cause of which is solely in negative childhood experiences. Louder voices are heard that emphasize the role of social tendencies in the emergence of narcissistic personality traits.

Is narcissism becoming an epidemic?

Today, narcissistic behavior is “almost inevitable,” says psychotherapist Heinz-Peter Rehr. “The typical narcissist, self-sufficient and without regard for anything, perfectly fits the requirements that the economy makes, he has excellent chances for a career.” Therefore, in modern Western society, narcissism takes on the character of an epidemic.

This “virus” is infecting more and more people, psychologist Jean M. Twinge agrees. Together with colleagues, she analyzed questionnaires of 16 college students in the United States over 275 years (30–1976). They contained statements such as: “I have a natural talent for influencing people”, “People are an open book for me”, “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place”, “I would like to write my own biography”, “I am completely unique personality.”

Prior to 2000, the responses were not anything special, but by 2006, the choice of self-centered statements had increased by 30%! The researchers made a disappointing conclusion: “narcissism is spreading in the same way as obesity.”

Growth Factors

Tvinge names four factors that contribute to the spread of narcissism in modern Western society.

1. Parenting: parents pamper children, protect them from criticism. Today’s fathers and mothers know how important self-confidence is, however, “unfortunately, many of the things that parents think build self-esteem, such as praising a child for his talents and giving him whatever he wants, are often leads to narcissism. We give too much to children and demand too little of them,” says Tvinge.

2. Media: the cult of fame, money, success plays an important role in the spread of narcissism. The tabloids, movies and advertisements tell us all the time about people full of self-satisfaction. No wonder young people aspire to become famous. According to a 2006 survey of children in England about “what is the best thing in the world”, the top three places were taken by “being a star”, “looking good” and “being rich”.

3. The Internet is the perfect breeding ground for narcissism. Social media makes communication safer by allowing you to choose those who soothe the narcissistic wound. In addition, narcissists can advertise without restraint: narcissistic behavior is relevant and in demand here. The names of social networks speak for themselves: MySpace and Facebook.

4. Life on credit. Easy access to loans, according to the psychologist, develops narcissism: it becomes very easy to feel successful and wealthy. Why work hard when you can instantly shine your position and image? “Each of us has narcissistic traits,” recalls Tatyana Voskresenskaya, “and since their demonstration brings success in society, it is not surprising that many begin to develop and emphasize them.”

How to change the situation?

Can the epidemic of narcissism be stopped? Perhaps the economic crisis could be a turning point, says Jean M. Tvinge. In her opinion, the opposite of narcissism is modesty, thanks to which you can return to such values ​​as social community, and stop sticking out your own “I”.

“A humble person looks at himself realistically, can assess his strengths and weaknesses and is interested in others. As for each person individually, it is important to realize that by moderating our own ambitions, we can live better and happier, ”Heinz-Peter Rer supports this point of view. This is not an easy process, because “you will have to revive the painful childhood experience that once forced a person to withdraw into the world of narcissism.”

Unfortunately, “narcissists usually don’t seek help to break down the impenetrable emotional wall around them,” notes Tatyana Voskresenskaya. Still, she thinks that spouses, friends, and colleagues can make some changes for the better and maintain their own peace of mind if they manage to treat the narcissist “kindly and with compassion.”

In order not to see a monster in him, it is important to understand that behind an arrogant or self-degrading adult lies a vulnerable, lonely child who once stopped believing in other people. All his life he struggles to win the recognition of others, and at the same time he himself voluntarily and involuntarily repels those who were ready to give him. He creates a beautiful reflection, but is unable to make himself fall in love.