Instead of giving yourself high or low marks, you can tune in to unconditional and non-judgmental self-acceptance. The coach reflects on how to achieve this.
A person with low self-esteem spends a lot of time and energy trying to please and please, it is difficult for him to say “no”, he does what he does not like. And he expects approval and praise from others: “Tell me, am I good?”
A person with high self-esteem says: “Look how cool I am!” And spends time trying to prove his «coolness». And when your own ideas about yourself do not coincide with the ideas of others, anger, irritation and depression come.
Overestimated or underestimated self-esteem is always an image, a mask, a desire to confirm one’s value through external attributes (either things, money, status) or the reaction of other people (admiration, approval). For a long time, I myself evaluated myself, thinking that “not good enough to have …” (everyone has his own list and can be long). Lecture by American psychologist Brené Brown1 helped me think about the harmfulness of these installations.
Normal self-esteem is somewhere in the middle, at the “zero point”. Where only a calm feeling of «I am» instead of «I’m not good enough» or «I’m the best.» Self-acceptance gives freedom and releases energy. Doesn’t require comparison. It is a recognition of the uniqueness of what is.
It’s a paradox, but at the point of self-acceptance most often there are no thoughts about yourself. Control, which is usually manifested in the form of reflection “what will people think” or “how should I look in order to be noticed”, is turned off.
Attention, free from control, is directed to the outside world. Reality is more interesting. Becoming interested in other people
What do you need to do in order to accept yourself and keep this feeling? The bottom line is that you don’t have to do anything. Acceptance is not an action. It’s more of a termination. Change. Weakening of grip. Stop.
In order to accept ourselves, we need to stop strangling ourselves with the demands, the standards that we strive to meet. Unclench your hands. That feeling of lightness that comes when we stop choking ourselves and let go is “it.” When you feel: “I just am, and I don’t need to change anything in myself.”
To accept yourself means to allow yourself to be who you are, with this appearance, mood, character. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and think what you think.
Deciding on such a stop can be scary: it seems to us that, accepting ourselves completely, we will just lie on the couch and do not want to do anything. But there is another effect: the “must” button breaks and the natural desire for the best for oneself, the desire to take care of oneself, wakes up. And then changes begin, growing not out of dissatisfaction with oneself, but out of self-love.
So, for example, it happened to me. I used to be dissatisfied with my body and out of dissatisfaction with myself I ran marathons, dieted and exercised. Threw, looking for a new one. Broke often. After I began to accept myself, the desire to eat junk food decreased and the weight returned to normal.
Now I want to go in for sports, not because I have to, but because it pleases me.
Our whole life is an attempt to resist what is. In fact, we resist our own freedom. A person who does not accept himself is easier to manage. It’s easier for him to sell a new car and anti-wrinkle cream, it’s easier for him to instill that “you need to get married and give birth before 30, because that’s the way it is.”
A person who totally accepts himself becomes freer from manipulation, it is impossible to control him, you can only negotiate with him.
Perhaps your mind will say, “No, it can’t be that easy. There are many conditions to be met.» Just accept these doubts too – that is the nature of the mind.
1 Brené Brown is a psychologist, lecturer at the University of Houston (USA), and a researcher on shame. Author of the books “It’s all because of me (but it’s not)” (Azbuka Business, 2014) and “The Gifts of Imperfection. How to love yourself the way you are” (Alpina non-fiction, 2014).