How to deal with a mid-life crisis? Reviewing the past years and taking responsibility for them is an inevitable step on the way to yourself. This is always a difficult, but often fruitful period of life.
He comes as an uninvited guest, somewhere between 45 and 55 years old, when we realize that “we are given only one life, and the end of this one life is inevitably approaching,” says psychoanalyst Danielle Quinodoz. “The crisis hit me like a bolt from the blue,” confirms 44-year-old Nadya. The kids have grown up and have a lot of free time. My husband and I felt uncomfortable, but gradually got used to the new state of affairs. That’s when I realized that I can no longer live as before. From that moment on, the foundation on which I built my life shook, it no longer met my deepest needs. I had to do something urgently – to have time to live “my” life before it was too late.
The crisis begins gradually – we notice the first signs of aging. “Then a turning point occurs – the entry of grown children into adulthood or the loss of a job, the death of a loved one – disguised as it, the crisis breaks into life like a bolt from the blue,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Anne Dufourmantelle. – It turns familiar everyday life upside down and makes you rethink the past, re-search for a foothold. Did I manage to become what I dreamed / dreamed of being? What am I missing? In what direction to move on? “I felt like I was going with the flow,” says Roman, 47. – I am not allowed to make my own choice, I am lost, confused. Feeling like you’re stuck.”
Because of these experiences, we run the risk of acting on the spur of the moment, looking for quick solutions that would help us cope with mental turmoil. “A crisis is often associated with a surge of sexuality,” Anne Dufourmentel cites the example. – Desire suddenly ignites us and awakens previously unknown feelings. For example, a woman in the arms of her lover recognizes herself anew and allows herself to discover new facets of her personality.
Look at yourself from the side
The fear of losing what you have often leads to an attempt to escape reality, when we convince ourselves that this short period will soon end. “But like a teenager who encounters difficulties when he begins to resist the powerful emotional experiences of his age, a person in the middle of life is doomed to suffer if he refuses to recognize this phase of life,” warns psychotherapist and psychiatrist Christophe Fauré. However, he emphasizes, it is not the transition as such that causes problems, but rather the unwillingness to accept and live through it.
Read more:
- “Aging can be a rewarding experience”
Although the crisis occurs in middle age, it begins in childhood. According to Jung, as we grow up, we learn to achieve emotional security by adjusting our behavior depending on the expectations of others. As a result, everyone begins to wear a mask that does not fully reflect his essence. With age, the mask begins to choke. The Shadow dormant in us – the one that we still did not dare to let out – reminds us of itself. The middle of life also coincides with the acute moment of the maturation of the personality (individuation) – at this point we need to reach the very essence of being. For some, this transformation is given relatively easily and imperceptibly, for others it is very difficult. Why?
Danielle Quinodo came to the conclusion that most of her patients have a fragmented view of their lives, they perceive it in pieces, as a series of unrelated episodes. “It seems that people store memories in separate tightly closed boxes. They may even forget this or that important event,” she writes. These “forgotten boxes”, which are associated with painful moments of the past, form an enclave, a closed space within, which prevents part of the personality from developing along with all the rest. “A piece of me seemed to freeze in childhood, when I was 5 years old, my parents broke up and I had to take on the role of my mother’s comforter,” admits 42-year-old Polina. “Today, I suffer because I constantly give way to others, stew, do not allow myself to follow my desires.” The mid-life crisis releases “our inner child, and it begins to demand an account from us,” says psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati. What have you done to me? What traits of my character do you not want to notice? When will you let them show up? “To move on, you need to admit, without tormenting yourself with guilt, what you didn’t manage to do,” advises Anne Dufourmentel. And choose a new path in life.
According to Daniel Kinodo, the crisis can be overcome only when we realize that in order to live a full life, you need to “just” be yourself, accept yourself with all the advantages, disadvantages, history, aspirations. On the one hand, it is very easy, and on the other hand, it is incredibly difficult. Roman admits that time has become his best assistant. “Living day by day, solving problems as they come and not trying to control everything.” Only in this case will a deep restructuring begin, which will bring to the surface what is looking for birth.
During this period, says Anne Dufourmentel, it is useful to look at yourself from the outside, as at another person – this will help to recognize needs that are still unconscious, but seeking a way out. Our dreams send us encrypted messages. And the body too: when something no longer suits us, we feel tension, the body shrinks. As soon as it relaxes and releases tension, we feel that the situation, on the contrary, charges us with vital energy,” writes psychotherapist Thierry Janssen (Thierry Janssen). This is how the directions in which we still do not dare to go are indicated. Will we hurt loved ones? Are we doing the wrong thing? These thoughts are important and have a right to exist.
Refuse unnecessary
Finding answers to these questions can only be done by trial and error, acting carefully. We must try to consider what attracts us. Only in this way, Moussa Nabati is sure, will we be able to separate the true from the false. The sense of wholeness we strive for gives us the strength to move on. This gradual forward movement occurs in leaps and bounds. At times we roll back in order to catch up tomorrow. Again, fear covers, he demands to analyze (perhaps the help of a psychologist is useful here) “unconscious attitudes that convince us that becoming ourselves is tantamount to betrayal – our history, our loved ones,” warns Anne Dufourmentel.
Talking with friends will help us see our fears in a different light, better understand how to realize our plans and regain self-confidence. “One fine day, the search bears fruit, the way out becomes obvious,” Nadya shares her experience. – You clearly see what is unnecessary, you vaguely distinguish another way, another way of being, in which you feel happier and full of energy. At this moment, you are ready to accept yourself as you are, completely. As Danielle Quinodo so elegantly puts it, a crisis helps us pass through a narrow door that is exactly our size, it can only let the real us through, without any layers. A narrow door leading to eternity.
5 questions to yourself
- Asking yourself questions is very helpful. According to psychiatrist Christoph Fauré, “they help us not to miss answers that appear where we did not expect.”
- When you look at your parents’ lives, do you recognize the same problems? Have you always sought to earn their approval?
- What values and principles would you like to instill in your children?
- Is it difficult for you to change something in your life? Do you expect someone else to make decisions for you that you don’t want to make yourself?
- What did you dream about as a child, youth? What were they able to accomplish? Which of your innermost desires could be revived and how? What new dreams and desires do you have now?
- When do you feel happiest, truly yourself? What does this reveal to you about yourself?