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Betrayal always distances partners and changes their relationship. The short moments of oblivion then have to be paid for with weeks of hard work. Unfortunately, it also happens that trust cannot be rebuilt, and betrayal is like a thorn in the heart. Research shows that men cheat more often than women. For what reasons?
Treason is best judged from the side. Each adult person has already formed an opinion about it, usually unambiguous. In fact, although each story may sound like a set of banalities played for years by various actors, it is in fact unique and not easy to assess unequivocally. The letter we received from the reader even touched the editorial psychologist. The author agreed to the publication of her story, provided that we change her personal data.
Discovered betrayal – “I know you!”
Barbara is 47 years old, lives in a big city. A few years ago she was going through a serious marriage crisis. The relationship was saved because both of her husband showed a lot of goodwill. They went on vacation, talked for hours on end, were not afraid to talk about what disturbed them in their relationship, but it was never said. They threw out the dirt and decided to change a lot. She started to look more attractive, he stopped spending so much time outside the house and gave up on business trips abroad. He got more involved in her life, she started asking about his dreams, plans, not just about the day he spent at work. They were revived, they found each other again. It had never been so good between them before. She said she had a perfect marriage for which the two of them worked. And then she met that woman.
– I was riding the elevator, lost in my own thoughts. The woman next to me asked if I was Barbara. That day my view of the world changed – he says.
The stranger knew a lot about her – where she studied, how old are the children, what films she likes, and what was the bone of contention between her and her husband. Barbara, although scared, was intrigued enough to agree to an interview. As she assured, the meeting was accidental. She knew Barbara from the photos and couldn’t help but talk.
– She had an affair with her husband – confesses Barbara. – It ended just before we started talking about the need to fix the relationship. I realized that the romance was an impulse for change for him. If it weren’t for the relationship with this woman, we probably wouldn’t have been together for more than a year or two. After all, her story shocked me.
The stranger told where she met Barbara’s husband and what their meetings were like. It turned out that she was at their house several times, she knows the layout of the apartment, she knows what paintings decorate the bedroom. They broke up after a seven-month affair, on his initiative. Even though she sought contact with him, he didn’t speak.
– This confession was a revenge, a proof of her helplessness and regret for the lost man – judges Barbara. – She confided in me like a friend, I felt that she expected support! I had nothing to say to her. I wanted to punch her for ruining my life in minutes. Or is it better to say – the illusion of a happy life?
After this meeting, Barbara moved out of the house. He doesn’t know what to do. She realizes that her husband has ended the affair and used it to make positive changes. At the same time, he cannot forgive him for letting a stranger into their intimate life. He exposed not only himself, but also her, told his mistress about everything that was important to them. He invited her home, revealed his wife’s secrets, maybe even advised on raising children. He did not confess to an old affair until she asked directly and described the woman in the elevator. Younger, prettier, self-confident. Can something like that be forgiven?
Marital Infidelity – Why?
From the research of Dr. Leszek Putyński from the Institute of Psychology of the University of Lodz shows that nearly 30% of Polish men and about 15% of women admit to marital infidelity. Most often we reveal during the summer holidays. This is the trial season for many couples.
Why are we cheating? There is no single answer, opinions of psychologists are divided. For some, betrayal is always a proof that something is missing in a marriage, and a jump to the side is easier than a thorough rearrangement of furniture and difficult conversations. Treason is actually a question about the health of a marriage. Those who can learn from their adventures and desires need not reveal a second time. However, this is rarely the case with Barbara’s husband, who ended his affair and devoted all his energy to saving the marriage. Much more often, the cheating do not even realize that in the “adventure” they are looking for the reasons for the feeling of incomplete happiness in the relationship. Without knowing the question, they cannot find the answer. They reveal wherever they are not caught.
Other experts point out that there are people whose personality traits make them more likely to cheat, even when their ongoing relationships are relatively successful. Marital infidelity more often concerns people who are unsure of their own worth and require constant adoration.
Prospects of betrayal
For a large group of sexologists and psychologists, betrayal is an expression of emotional immaturity. – Most romances are doomed to failure – says psychologist Dorota Dobrowolska. – Both she and he feel from the very beginning that there will be no happy ending, that someone will be left with a sense of harm. They say it is passion that pushes them into the arms of a lover. I see not a great passion, but a need to survive an earthquake, a tendency to destruction. Those involved in romance seem to be oblivious to the facts – someone who is prone to cheating on their partner could lie to them just as easily. Contrary to logic, many ladies infatuated with married men believe that they will leave the family, and gentlemen believe that the emotional needs of a mistress will always remain at the same level.
Some people believe that treason is a crime that must be kept a secret at all costs. There is no fact, there is no consequence. Unfortunately, there will be consequences, even if only the two people involved know about the affair. Regardless of the causes and circumstances, something important always dies when you jump sideways in a stable relationship. Even if the spouse never finds out the truth, the cheaters will separate themselves from him by a wall of secret. The relationship is about sharing worries and joys. When a third person appears, emotions arise that cannot be shared, although they involve a large part of the mental life.
Betrayal – What Next?
Barbara asks a psychologist for advice on how to rebuild her lost trust in her husband. She already knows that they can be a harmonious couple with her husband who will survive a lot. She does not like the vision of life without him, but how do you come to terms with the fact that he cheated on her for several months? How to believe that he will not cheat a second time?
– There is no certainty that there will not be another betrayal – says psychologist Michał Szot. – We need to consider whether we will bear the “second chance”. Relationships at this stage are very difficult. The betrayed person is anxious, unsure of himself, sees his partner’s opportunities for betrayal everywhere, wants to control him. A person previously involved in an affair struggles with guilt and, paradoxically, anger at their partner for reproaching them. My advice is not to block these emotions, just talk. You don’t have to forgive yourself right away. The best that can be done is to put all your energies into rebuilding the bond.
While second-chance relationships are challenging, they have prospects for survival and a return to normalcy. Whenever possible, avoid blaming each other at the stage of rebuilding relationships and trust. Transferring responsibility to another person is the way to nowhere. A partner who has betrayed should explain the reasons for dissatisfaction in the marriage, but at the same time take responsibility for the betrayal. You can’t apologize and add “because you”. There is no point in deluding ourselves that one apology will be enough. How long to persuade a spouse that it is worth trusting again? Until effect.
In the movie “Friends”, the protagonist, who wants to atone for his mistake, sits on his fiancée’s porch for days on end. The woman, however, cannot forgive. It is worth watching this scene and think about the balance of possible losses and profits before we go to the sanatorium alone. When it gets dark, it’s too easy to believe that everything can be hidden …
Source: Live longer