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Hanka Ordonówna was right. Love will forgive a lot. 73 percent of us cheat, but still live with a betrayed partner. We prefer “a little stabilization” to living on suitcases. The art of survival is simple: jumping to the side you have to go back inside. We talk to the sexologist Daniel Cysarz about working through the betrayal in the office and whether it is possible to be an unfaithful and loyal partner at the same time.
Zuzanna Opolska, Medonet: Doctor, is monogamy contrary to our nature?
Daniel Cysarz, sexologist: There are different theories about this. One of the most popular is that women are more monogamous than men. Its rationale is purely evolutionary, as it focuses on gene transfer and reproductive success. Until the invention of contraception, sex and the associated fertilization were associated with incomparably greater costs for women. He bound the time of pregnancy and upbringing of offspring to years, and the possibility of creating a permanent relationship with one partner ensured safety.
So contraception has liberated women?
Yes, if we look at the last decades, women have actually changed their approach to their sexuality. They have become more open to their sexuality and related needs. Because sex, apart from procreation, gives pleasure and satisfies the drive. The answer to the question: who of us cheats more often – contrary to appearances – is not so obvious. It takes two to cheat, so looking purely statistically, the proportions should be equal.
Do personality traits affect fidelity. Narcissism? Psychoticism?
I have not conducted my own research in this area. But narcissism or borderline personality fits the puzzle. People who belong to the spectrum of these disorders struggle with a huge internal void related to unmet childhood needs. And of course, no other partner will change that until they start to care for them themselves.
It is said that men cheat physically and women cheat emotionally. Ladies deciding to have an affair when they are missing something.
How we reveal depends on many factors. One theory emphasizes the importance of the attachment style learned from the home. If our parents gave us the time and attention necessary for our emotional development, we give our partner a credit of trust in the future. This is called style based on a sense of security. Then, regardless of gender, it is more difficult to deal with emotional betrayal, contrary to the belief that men are hurt most by physical betrayal. If we were left to ourselves in childhood, we avoid direct contact and do not care about creating permanent relationships. There is also the anxiety-ambivalent style, i.e. we are looking for a partner for life and we do everything not to lose him.
Paradoxically, men who cheat are satisfied with their relationships. If everything is fine, why jump to the side?
Treason can have many “benefits”. Some of them are more obvious and some are less so. This was shown by an American study conducted in California on a group of people deciding to divorce. Couples were asked “why were they cheating?”. The most common answers are lack of sexual satisfaction, infertility, lack of acceptance by the partner, and then communication problems. If a woman creates a successful relationship with an infertile man, the solution may be to find a partner who will give her a child. These types of relationships are quite common, although the alleged betrayal remains taboo. Research shows that statistically 1/10 of men are not the biological father of the child they raise. Even if he is convinced of it.
Can a triangle stabilize a relationship?
Yes, if we have a relationship that lasts a long time and has already burned out. It is worth remembering that this is only a temporary stabilization. For example, when we don’t have the proverbial butterflies in our stomach and our knees don’t shake. Then treason can be a kind of “safety valve”. If partners do not support each other, I do not react to myself, there is no touch and no dates, then we look for these stimuli elsewhere. It can also be an element of protection if the woman in the original relationship feels threatened. The third partner acts as a lifeline and postpones the separation of these two. There are many such motivations.
But then the relationship is more like a deal. For example, the closing door syndrome – partners struggle with a midlife crisis and enter into additional relationships.
They can give each other a tacit permission or make an appointment. Remember, however, that betrayal only stabilizes temporarily. Over time, in addition to sex, commitment and even affection can develop. We are not designed to live in triangles, and we certainly do not accept them socially. The male pattern does not allow him to be a cuckold. The partner should be sexually fit to keep the partner with him. Similarly, a woman who cheats exposes herself to pejorative terms. So we are still prudish, although we admit it harder.
Apparently, the worst-case scenario for two is having an affair at the beginning of a marriage.
The beginning is the basis for the entire relationship. In difficult and crisis moments, we always have something to come back to. If the betrayal occurs immediately, it may indicate greater deficits in a given relationship. Naturally, the question is why the two ever met.
Kid.
Still, that’s not the best motivation.
What makes us stay together? Marital value of a partner? Only 1 percent betray millionaires. wifes.
Yes, the Scandinavian research has shown that for women in a partner the property status is the most valuable, which ensures safety. For men, what matters is reproductive attractiveness. So classic – the right proportions of the waist to the hips, guaranteeing fertility and subtle facial features associated with innocence. We often cheat with more attractive partners than the present ones, treating them as a trophy. And looking evolutionistically – we are looking for better genetic material.
So when and where do we reveal the most often?
It is said to be in the second, fourth or seventh year of a relationship. After a year, libido drops on average by half, after four years phenylethyltamine, responsible for craving, ceases to be produced. Entrepreneurs and corporate employees often find their way to my office. Integration trips, business trips, business dinners and alcohol are certainly not conducive to fidelity. Our lifestyle and work style determine the places where we look for or find potential partners. If I spend eight hours a day in the company of my colleague from the office, and I see my wife an hour before going to bed, something naturally ends and something begins. Some companies have clauses in their employment contracts that prohibit office romance. But the company’s policy is not able to change the regularities governing interpersonal relations.
Can we intuitively catch a betrayal before it occurs?
First of all, we don’t always want to see it. Betrayal is a mental or physical step outside the relationship. Often for a reason. It is assumed that the cheating person is the culprit and the cheated person is the victim. From my perspective, as a rule, both partners are responsible for it. Couples come to my office who blame poor sex or lack of sex for the relationship crisis. In the course of therapy, it turns out that the cause was elsewhere, and that the betrayal was only its aftermath. They lived together, but they were not close, they talked to each other but did not talk to each other. Sometimes, paradoxically, betrayal is even a cry for attention. A phone left behind, an open e-mail can be a kind of message: “come back to me”.
Is it better to admit it or not?
There is no one answer. If what happened is due to a long-term relationship, an admission may help. We loyally tell ourselves “stop” and wonder what to do next. Either we end the relationship or build it up again. If the side jump was a one-off and unplanned, but we are able to deal with it, it is better not to say anything. Sometimes such information can give a new start to a relationship, and in other situations it can cause a serious crisis.
How is betrayal “worked through” in the office?
Couples come and go straight to bad sex. They absolutely want to fix it with the idea that if they fix sex it all will change. Most often it turns out that the more important step is experiencing the betrayal and the emotions associated with it. It is important that each of the partners is aware of their share in it. If everyone takes responsibility for their contribution to building relationships, then in the next stage we work on expressing emotions. It usually starts with regret, anger and frustration. Only then is there room for other feelings: weakness, closeness, attachment and touch. The length of therapy depends on the goals of the couple. Because it’s rarely just about dealing with a betrayal. The process of rebuilding the relationship takes from several months to 2-3 years. You can’t fix something that has broken for years in just a few sessions. And change is not just about saying certain things in the company of the therapist, but about making real changes to the couple’s day-to-day functioning.
Daniel Cysarz, sexologist