Benevolent education acts on the brain

Interview: how to better understand and better educate your child?

Why did you write “Live happily with your child”?

Catherine Gueguen : The parents I received in consultation asked me! I was also a trainer for early childhood professionals. This forced me to regularly read up on current research, and that’s how I discovered affective neuroscience. It is a recent science, about fifteen years old, little known in France where we focus more on cognitive science, on the development of the brain. Researchers working in affective neuroscience provide insight into what happens in the early years of life. We learn what will develop or, on the contrary, hinder the harmonious development of the child.

Exactly, what have you discovered?

C. G. : I understood that education still today gives pride of place to the humiliations and bullying inflicted on the child. We think that’s how he will develop good behavior and learn better. However, through their studies, the researchers made us understand that this method produces the opposite: it damages the brain, in particular the prefrontal cortex, by destroying neuronal cells essential for its development. Anything that shames, humiliates and rejects a child is bad for his brain. Parents think they are doing the right thing by saying “You suck”, but that makes you anxious, aggressive and depressed. Later, in adults, this leads to addictive behavior.

What attitude to adopt?

C. G. : You have to put yourself in a relationship of empathy, you have to try to understand what is going on in his brain. He doesn’t do things to annoy us, he does them because his brain, which takes about 25 years to mature, tells him to do it and he has no other answers to give. When we are empathetic, caring and supportive, especially in early childhood, we give the toddler the keys to develop his personality and a real joy of living.

It’s morning and he refuses to get dressed… What should we do?

C. G. : Yelling at him saying “Hurry up!” Will have no effect other than pointing it. If we are dealing with a 2 and a half year old little one, he has no notion of time, and no notion of duty. Knowing that you’re going to be late for school doesn’t mean anything! He lives in another world, a world dominated by play, which is essential for him to develop. The parent should not be stressed himself. Unlike us, children do not have the ability to regulate stress. He will absorb it and feel assaulted.

Take more time in the morning and discuss what to do next

In order not to be stressed, everyone should be up early enough. In the morning, you have to have time, be in a good mood, and especially want to play, sing, play games, challenge, so that he gradually puts on his clothes. With a bigger one, around 4-5 years old, if he has been brought up with empathy, he can think. We can explain to him: “I’m very bored, I don’t want to yell at you in the morning, but really it takes too long to prepare you, what do you have as a solution? “We listen to what he suggests:” I want to prepare my clothes the day before and choose them “, or” I want to know how much time I have left, etc. ” »It is then necessary establish a contract and respect your wishes.

When he refuses to eat, should we force him?

C. G. : Especially not. Meals are a big concern for parents, but you have to be very careful. Eating is a physiological need. You can’t decide for him whether he’s hungry or not. If he doesn’t want it anymore, if he doesn’t like it or if he’s not hungry, don’t force him. Children listen to their internal clocks. They never eat if they feel they are sick, for example. Parents should put themselves in their shoes. What would they say if their spouse stood right in front of them and stuffed them with food, saying, “You’re all dirty! “,” Swallow! This is not a respectful attitude. On the contrary, we must already let him catch what pleases him, let him eat alone and, above all, make him eat at the table with his parents, because humans act a lot by imitation, like most mammals. If he’s really not hungry, we let him down and no comment. You don’t have to be angry because your child respects his need. This is neither good nor bad! Perhaps in a quarter of an hour, he will be hungry, then he will have to be made to eat, without making him feel guilty. When you leave a child alone, he has no problem with meals, he grows and gathers without problem!

What if he rolls on the floor because he is refused a toy?

C. G. : Anger is normal when you’re little. He should not be forbidden to feel this emotion. Yes, he is right to be frustrated, and it is normal that he expresses it with his means, in this case by screaming and rolling on the ground. His brain is literally overwhelmed. If we prevent it by mocking, shaking him or locking him alone in his room, we are not supporting or benevolent. Threatening to spank, humiliating will not help him deal with and recognize his emotions. Parents say “Stop your whims!” », But it is not a whim. It is a manifestation of emotion that must be respected. It doesn’t mean giving in, or letting him do what he wants, but it’s just acknowledging that he’s going through an emotional storm and standing next to him, so he can come and take refuge once his. anger will be over. Being in the face of a child’s anger takes a lot of patience and calm from an adult.

If he doesn’t want to sleep, what do we do?

C. G. : Again, sleep varies from person to person. Some are night owls and others are not. It also varies depending on what they did during the day. But I would say that overall, until around 4 or 5 years old, children are often crossed by anxieties. I plead for parents to understand these fears. I advise them to reassure him, secure him and cuddle him, even if they are tired. And if the child ends up in their bed every now and then, that’s okay! A toddler who is reassured, whose fears have been understood, sees his last fade over time. Around 6 or 7 years old, he is able to calm down on his own. Sometimes I also advise parents to put the younger in the older person’s room, rather than separate them. They reassure each other and it often goes better.

And if we slipped, we shouted, hit our child, what to do?

C. G. : It is important to apologize. You can say “I didn’t want to do it, I’m tired and I feel stressed, it’s not your fault. Talking about your own feelings is important. The child understands very well. When we talk about his emotions, we teach him to recognize his own. Later, he will develop more empathetic and sociable attitudes. Above all, nothing is ever final. The brain is constantly evolving, it is very malleable, especially in early childhood. Even a child who has not been listened to in an empathetic way will see his brain cells restart if we have a caring and “supportive” attitude towards him.