The ability to do what you want, make important decisions, relying only on your desires and values, freedom and independence. What else is attractive life without a couple? The opinion of psychologist Bella DePaulo.
Clients constantly ask: “What are the advantages of living alone?” They want to get a definite answer: you can wear whatever you like, eat what you want and when you want, watch any movies, programs, listen to any music, go to bed and get up at any time.
There is some truth in this, especially if you live alone. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s talk about two important aspects of life. The first is meaningful social connections, relationships with others, interdependence. The second is independence. This concept includes the rights to privacy, personal space and autonomy, the ability to make independent decisions and organize life the way we want.
In my opinion, the absence of a permanent partner makes it more likely to achieve a balance between interdependence and independence that suits us. To many, my statement may seem strange. It would seem that marriage provides us with important and meaningful relationships with at least one person. In theory, this is so. Often this is true in practice, but if the relationship of the spouses has lost its significance for them, they are most likely already divorced or close to it.
When making important decisions, loners can not look back at others and be guided only by their own needs.
In marriage, partners, as a rule, partially fence themselves off from the outside world, paying attention first of all to each other and then to the rest: friends, relatives, neighbors, colleagues. Sociologists call this phenomenon «greedy marriage.»
Loners communicate more often and more actively with friends, neighbors, parents, brothers and sisters. This applies to those who are divorced as well, but primarily to those who have never married. If partners pay attention only to each other, and then the relationship cracks, both parties find themselves in a difficult position. For the sake of relationships, they excluded neighbors, colleagues, friends and relatives from their lives, who will support them in difficult times?
Obviously, loners are more independent. They decide how their life will go. When making important decisions, such as choosing a place to live or work, they may not look to others and be guided by their own needs, ideas and values. Those who live without a permanent partner have personal space and usually more free time. This suits those who value privacy.
Of course, it cannot be said that such a way of life gives undivided freedom. There are also certain restrictions. Single people more often than families have to take care of elderly parents or sick relatives. They are more likely to experience financial hardship, not least because the laws are more geared towards couples.
Everyone can learn to combine independence and interconnectedness with others, and yet it seems to me that singles are more likely to achieve balance.
About the judge: Bella DePaulo is a psychologist.