Beliefs of Unloved Children: 7 Common Mistakes

Someone who grew up in an atmosphere of unlove, whose emotional needs were not met in childhood, has an important task — to determine the damage. The work is complicated by one circumstance: it is impossible to heal a wound that we cannot see. Although such a person is acutely aware of the lack of maternal love and support and intense pain from the aggressive behavior of the mother, his real damage lies elsewhere. Most of these children consider their own behavior, sometimes inadequate, a manifestation of their personality. This belief is a consequence of the endless reproaches of significant adults in their address. Hearing how bad they are (evil, capricious, touchy), they eventually begin to consider themselves as such.

“According to my mother, I was a difficult daughter, a pretender and a poseur,” recalls 43-year-old Anna. — I was ridiculed for being too emotional, for the way I laughed and cried. In my youth, I was very shy, I was afraid that I would be rejected because I lacked something. When I was 32, a professor in graduate school took me aside and asked me why I was so hard on myself that I couldn’t even accept a compliment, why I myself blew my scientific work to smithereens. And then it was like a dam broke. This moment was a turning point in my life, along with therapy.”

Although each unloved child has experienced his own experience, there are common settings for all. It is useful to name and analyze them — this will help to understand how childhood has shaped us.

The following are erroneous assumptions that unloved children tend to believe until they are seriously engaged in the work of recognizing the past and recovering the true self — with a therapist or on their own.

The roots of these beliefs are in relation to parents, especially mothers. However, when such children grow up, these attitudes begin to spread to all kinds of relationships, from casual acquaintances and friendships to romantic attachments. It’s like an overturned can of paint: the paint soaks through the entire surface so you don’t even notice it.

Unloved children are sure that …

1. It’s their fault that his parents mistreated him.

So they all think, and the fact that it’s not about them becomes a revelation for everyone. The child is convinced that he is to blame for being «stubborn» or «difficult», «too sensitive» or «too emotional». He believes in the myth that all mothers love children, and unconsciously hopes that if he can understand what will make his mother love him, the problem will disappear. This is an illusion, but it can possess a person for many years, and he will again try to become a child whom his mother will love.

Psychologists have found that blaming yourself is not as scary as admitting that the person who should protect and care for you cannot be relied upon. Denial in this sense is both a warm, fluffy blanket and a fortress in which one can hide from the truth.

2. They will be able to fix their relationship with their mother or someone else.

Daughters with anxious attachment style take on the role of «relationship facilitator» even if there are no prerequisites for this. In reality, they have little influence, but their tendency to self-criticism and self-blame when something goes wrong makes them feel: if only they can change themselves, everything will work out. As a result, they try to adapt to the partner in order to avoid any disagreements. The result is disastrous.

3. Their character will not change

This contradicts the child’s previous belief that he can change in some way in order to receive his mother’s love. But, more importantly, it makes it difficult to both withstand stress and crises, and embark on a path of healing. Research by Carol S. Dweck shows that people who believe that they can change themselves and their behavior not only cope with stress more effectively, but also feel happier. The belief that our “I” is given once and for all, multiplied by self-criticism, is a recipe for those who want to remain unhappy for the rest of their lives.

4. It’s okay to hurt others

As children, we believe that our family is like any other, and the interaction between loved ones is a particular example of how everything works in the big world. If your parents constantly quarrel, yell and insult each other, you get used to this style of communication, consider it natural and carry the behavior pattern into adulthood. Children who grew up in an atmosphere of reproach and scathing criticism are more likely to find such an attitude acceptable than those who grew up in an atmosphere of mutual respect and care.

5. Borders are like walls

A child learns about healthy boundaries from a caring mother who is sensitive to his needs. Unloved children are often confused about what healthy boundaries are and don’t know when to set and maintain them. They begin to perceive boundaries as walls. For anxiously attached people, they become a barrier to intimacy, while avoidant people see them as a protective reinforcement.

6. Someone always has to control them.

Belief in the omnipresence of power is closely related to confusion about boundaries. Regardless of the toxic behavior pattern of a neglectful, narcissistic, or emotionally unavailable mother, one thing is clear: her child is not allowed to be herself. He is just a puppet that his mother pulls by the strings. Her control limits emotional growth and the ability to understand and express her wants and needs. Such a person learns that control is inevitable in a relationship. Most likely, he will choose controlling partners, because such treatment is familiar to him.

7. Love is a deal

Perhaps the most difficult task is to come to a different understanding of love. The children of toxic mothers have learned that love is conditional, it must be earned (quid pro quo), it can be taken away without delay. How to get rid of bitter experience?

Many adults who were once such children look for years for a means to suddenly become «good.» It seems to them that then their scars will disappear as if by magic. This won’t happen. But if healing means letting go of the behaviors that are holding you back and letting go of the wrong attitudes, then I have good news: you can «get well.» The hole in your heart will get smaller as you experience more pleasurable experiences.

Letting go of a toxic childhood is not easy, but it is possible. This I know for sure.

Peg Streep is a publicist and best-selling author of family relationships, including Bad Mothers: How to Overcome Family Trauma.