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Life is not always kind to us. Experiencing anxiety and mental pain, we complain to others and splash out negative emotions on them. Or, on the contrary, we surrender to apathy and prefer to wait out the bad times. Why do we do this and how can we change it?
It is possible to change the situation and start living differently only through actions and emotions that are inaccessible to those who give themselves over to despondency for a long time. Therefore, do not delay with “self-pity”: it is better to pull yourself together in time.
Most understand this. However, it does the opposite, which seems illogical. Why? The fact is that we are talking about beliefs recorded at the subconscious level, and there is no logic in the subconscious.
What are the most common beliefs that require us to remain in a state of “victim” and prevent us from taking action?
“In the state of the victim, everyone loves me”
Everyone supports, regrets, helps, shares their resources and finances. So why stop it? It turns out that being unhappy in some sense is even beneficial.
But there is also the other side of the coin. In the minds of many, there is a program: “it is necessary to love the poor and unfortunate.” By implementing this program, they, firstly, feel needed, fulfilled and good, that is, they increase their self-esteem by helping the “victim”. Secondly, next to the unfortunate, they do not feel that they themselves are unhappy.
The question is, do you want to take advantage of others and let others take advantage of you for their own ends, or is it time to change that? Everyone decides for himself.
“In the state of the victim, I am safe”
If I am poor and unhappy, then no one envy me, no one gossips behind my back, no one does nasty things, no intrigues, no looking for a dirty trick, no one checks … It turns out that the state of the victim gives the right to immunity. And yet no one has high hopes for us. So, you can relax and not strive for a better life.
“In the state of the victim, I develop and move forward”
How often people in this position begin to do something to push themselves off the bottom and rise to the surface! Creative people, for example, create songs, music, pictures, films about hard life and unhappy love, achieve success and try on the laurels of the winner. And when they are happy, the muse does not come to them.
In fact, all these bonuses can be received without constant suffering, plunging into the abyss of misfortune. It is a big mistake to believe that only a difficult life can inspire creative discoveries.
There are many more similar beliefs that inhibit movement, make it difficult to take action that would help to leave the role of the victim behind. Let’s analyze the most common ones.
“Moving forward is scary and unsafe”
Changes bring danger and death – in the depths of consciousness lives the fear of revolutions, we are afraid of both them and natural disasters. Indeed, earlier changes often led to death. But now is a different time, changes often bring new opportunities: when the old is destroyed, a new, more perfect one is built in parallel.
“Don’t rejoice, then you will cry”
It seems that one state is necessarily followed by the second, the opposite: if at first there is too much good in life, then there will be bad. This is not so, and experiencing happiness does not in any way entail failure. This can be verified by comparing the events that happened to you. Was joy always followed by sorrow? Did something amazing happen after a disaster?
Instead of experiencing the power of self-fulfilling prophecies, it is better to change the vector of thoughts: the expectation of joy, not trouble, is in itself much more pleasant.
What to do if you find among these beliefs those that are also characteristic of you? Describe each setting on a sheet. Consider why it is “beneficial” for you to be in this position.
To say goodbye to the role of a victim, sometimes it’s enough just to understand that you can live differently, and decide: you don’t want to exist the way you used to. The deepest and most persistent attitudes can be worked out with a psychotherapist.
About expert
Veronica Sysoeva – psychiatrist, narcologist, psychotherapist. Read more on her .