Standing up for your rights and demanding respect for yourself is a behavior that speaks of a strong character. But some go too far, demanding special treatment. This bears fruit, but not for long — in the long run, such people may remain unhappy.
Somehow, a video of an incident at the airport appeared on the Web: a passenger bluntly demands that airline employees let him on board with a bottle of water. Those refer to the rules that prohibit carrying liquids with you. The passenger does not retreat: “But there is holy water. Are you suggesting that I throw away the holy water?” The dispute comes to a standstill.
The passenger knew that his request was against the rules. However, he was sure that it was for him that the employees should make an exception.
From time to time, we all come across people who require special treatment. They believe that their time is more valuable than the time of others, their problems must be solved first of all, truth is always on their side. While this behavior often helps them get their way, it can ultimately lead to frustration.
Longing for omnipotence
“You know all this, you saw that I was brought up tenderly, that I never endured cold or hunger, I did not know the need, I did not earn bread for myself and in general did not do dirty work. So how did you get the guts to compare me to others? Do I have such health as these «others»? How can I do all this and endure? — the tirade that Goncharovsky Oblomov utters is a good example of how people who are convinced of their exclusivity argue.
When unrealistic expectations are not met, we feel deep resentment—at loved ones, society, and even at the universe itself.
“Such people often grow up in a symbiotic relationship with their mother, surrounded by care, accustomed to the fact that their desires and requirements are always fulfilled,” explains psychotherapist Jean-Pierre Friedman.
“During infancy, we feel other people as part of ourselves,” says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik. — Gradually we get acquainted with the outside world and understand that we have no power over it. If we’ve been overprotected, we expect the same from others.»
Clash with reality
“She, you know, walks slowly. And most importantly, he eats every day.” Claims in the spirit of those that one of the characters in Dovlatov’s «Underwood Solo» made against his wife are typical of people with a sense of their own chosenness. Relationships do not bring them joy: how is it, the partner does not guess their desires at a glance! Unwilling to sacrifice his ambitions for them!
When unrealistic expectations are not met, they feel deep resentment—at loved ones, society as a whole, and even the universe itself. Psychologists note that religious people with a particularly ingrained sense of their exclusiveness may even get angry at the God they believe in fervently if he, in their opinion, does not give them what they deserve.1.
Defenses that keep you from growing up
Disappointment can threaten the ego, causing a terrible hunch, and more often an unconscious anxiety: “What if I’m not so special.”
The psyche is arranged in such a way that the most powerful psychological defenses are thrown to protect the individual. At the same time, a person moves further and further away from reality: for example, he finds the cause of his problems not in himself, but in others (this is how projection works). Thus, a dismissed employee may claim that the boss «survived» him out of envy of his talent.
It is easy to see in others signs of exaggerated conceit. It’s harder to find them in yourself. Most believe in life justice — but not in general, but specifically for themselves. We will find a good job, our talents will be appreciated, we will be given a discount, it is we who will draw a lucky ticket in the lottery. But no one can guarantee the fulfillment of these desires.
When we believe that the world does not owe us anything, we do not push away, but accept our experience and thus develop resilience in ourselves.
1 J. Grubbs et al. «Trait Entitlement: A Cognitive-Personality Source of Vulnerability to Psychological Distress», Psychological Bulletin, Aug 8, 2016.