Being yourself — why is this bad advice?

I was preparing for the most important talk of my life — my first TED conference (Technology Entertainment Design — a private project that allows scientists, thinkers, businessmen to speak for 18 minutes, then their speeches are posted for free on the site TED.com. — Approx. ed.). I’ve already thrown seven draft speeches into the wastebasket. In search of new ideas, I turned to colleagues and friends.

“The most important thing,” the first of them told me, “is to be yourself.” The next six people gave me the same advice. We live in an era of authenticity, where «be yourself» is the idea that defines how we live, love and build a career. Authenticity means that you need to blur the line between your deep inner beliefs and what you show to the world. As psychologist Brené Brown says, authenticity is “a choice that allows our real selves to be visible.”

We want to live authentic lives, marry authentic partners, work for authentic bosses, vote for authentic presidents. In opening speeches by university presidents, one of the most common themes is «Be true to yourself» (second only to «Expand Your Horizons»).

But for most people, “be yourself” is terrible advice.

Nobody wants to see your real self. Each of us has thoughts and feelings that we consider important, but prefer to keep to ourselves.

Ten years ago, writer A.J. Jacobs spent two weeks trying to be absolutely authentic. He told the publisher that he wouldn’t mind sleeping with her if he was single. He told the nanny that he would invite her on a date if his wife left him. He told his friend’s five-year-old daughter that the bug in her palm had died, and not just laid down for a nap. He told his wife’s parents that he was bored talking to them. Can you imagine the result of this experiment?

“Deception is what makes our world go round,” he concluded. “Without lies, all marriages would fall apart, workers would be fired, people’s self-esteem would be torn to shreds, and states would fall apart.”

How strong our desire for authenticity is in us depends on a trait called «social self-control.» If we are good at it, then we constantly scan the environment for clues on how to act in a given situation, and adapt behavior to them. We hate social awkwardness and try desperately not to offend anyone.

But if our social self-control is poorly developed, we are guided only by internal urges, regardless of circumstances. One fascinating study showed that people with low social self-control (SSC) tasted the steak immediately after serving without adding salt, while those with high social self-control (SSC) salted the dish first. As psychologist Brian Little explains, “People with HCC seem to know their preferences well and act accordingly.”

People with HCC do not like people with SCD, considering them hypocrites and liars. They are right that authenticity can be useful in certain circumstances. According to some reports, people with HCC are happier in marriage and less likely to get divorced. If you’re authentic with your partner, chances are your connection will be deeper (unless your name is A.J. Jacobs).

But otherwise, we pay a certain price for our authenticity. People with SCD have faster careers and higher status, in part because they care more about their reputation. This may sound like praise for selfish self-promotion, but in reality these people are very interested in what others need and help them. A comprehensive analysis of 136 studies showed that HCC holders receive higher performance ratings and are more likely to occupy leadership positions.

But even people with SCD can suffer because of the belief in authenticity, because it suggests that there is some kind of «real» «I» on which the foundation of our personality rests. Psychologist Carol Dweck has long noted that belief in the immutability of one’s «I» can interfere with personal growth.

Children who see their abilities as fixed are more likely to quit when they fail. Managers who believe that talent is either there or it isn’t is bad at training their employees. «When we’re trying to improve our performance, a clear and solid self-image guides us like a compass,» says Herminia Ibarra, professor of organizational psychology. “But if we want to change something in ourselves, the too rigid image of the “I” becomes an anchor that holds it in place.”

But what should we strive for, if not authenticity? Years ago, literary critic Lionel Trilling gave an answer to this question that seems old-fashioned today: sincerity. Instead of looking for a meeting with our “inner self” and trying with all our might to express it, Trilling called for starting with the “outer” side of our personality. Take a closer look at how others see us, and then try to become who we want.

Instead of changing yourself from the inside, incorporate what is outside of you.

When Dr. Ibarra studied consultants and investment bankers, she found that BCC people were more likely than their «authentic» counterparts to experiment with different leadership styles. They observed the behavior of senior managers in the organization, borrowed their language and behavior patterns, and practiced until they came naturally. They were not «authentic», but they were sincere. This made them more efficient.

Being an introvert, at the beginning of my career I avoided public speaking. My authentic self would simply not allow me to accept an invitation to speak at a TED conference. But because I really wanted to share my knowledge, I spent the next ten years studying what Dr. Little called uncharacteristic behavior. I decided to become what I wanted to be — a person who is not afraid to be in the spotlight.

And it worked. The next time your friends tell you to «be yourself,» stop them. People around you don’t want to listen to everything that’s in your head. They just want your actions to match your words.

About the Expert: Adam Grant is a PhD in Organizational Psychology, a sociologist, writer, and the youngest and most popular professor at the Wharton School of Business. He studied the psychology of relationships in large structures — from Google to the US Air Force. Adam Grant has been named one of the world’s Top 40 Professors Under 40 by BusinessWeek magazine.