When a child is deprived of parents and raised by older family members, no one doubts that this is the best way out. But how to treat the situation when the mother and father voluntarily send the child to the grandparents? Will the childhood of such a child be full-fledged, or will the absence of a number of parents backfire in the future?
Six-year-old Sasha has been living with her grandmother in the Moscow region for four years. At first, her mother came to see her every other day, then on weekends, now once a month. And it’s hard to blame a woman for that. She is only 28 years old, she has a bright appearance, a broken heart, a responsible job and a rented apartment in Moscow. “I’ll settle down a bit and take you to my place,” she promises Sasha by phone. And the girl believes her, but for now she lives well with her grandmother. Here the environment is better, and people are kinder.
Sasha was really looking forward to her birthday: her grandmother said that her mother would most likely come to them for the whole weekend. And so, on September 22, they baked a pie, stewed chicken and potatoes, and sat down to wait for her. But the mother did not come. She has important things to do. Pressing the phone tightly to her ear, Sasha listened to how that last hour spent in the crowd near the train at Savelovsky Station, trying to pass a teddy bear to her daughter: “I got wet in the rain, I froze, I had to return home by taxi, and tomorrow it will be very an important event … » Sasha felt sorry for her, but the phrase «I love you» at the end of the conversation seemed to the girl somehow superfluous and alien. She hung up the phone and cried on her grandmother’s shoulder.
For family reasons
Sasha is far from the only one who, due to circumstances, is raised by mothers of mothers. Kirill’s parents live in the North, the nearest school is 10 km from the house, the store is three. And my grandmother has an apartment in the center of Moscow with a concierge and all amenities.
Arina’s mother recently gave birth to a baby. She sorely lacks time for Arina, because even when the youngest child is sleeping, she has to do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook dinner. And the girl watches cartoons all day long. Grandmother wants to take Arina to her — for a while. He and his grandfather love their granddaughter, they have a lot of sports, art and development circles in the city. Arina’s mother is sure that her daughter will be better for now.
However, in both situations, things are not so clear cut.
Separation from mother and father can greatly affect the formation of a child’s personality.
Yes, parents need to win a place in the sun and arrange a personal life. Yes, grandparents, in whose life “everything has already happened”, can devote themselves to their grandchildren. This is their sincere desire, and something like the distribution of debts, because once they did not have enough time for their own children. Now they seem to be catching up.
Of course, the most important thing for children is to be loved and cared for. And if parents can’t do it, it’s good that grandparents are ready to do it. However, separation from mother and father can greatly affect the development of the child’s personality and his entire future life.
Why be around
“Probably no one will argue that the best option for children is to live with loving parents,” says family psychologist Vladislava Ladmari. — The child is «flesh from flesh, blood from blood.» And all its internal structure is their continuation. In order for him to grow up happy, to reveal his potential, it is necessary that the “prototypes” be around. This will make it possible to understand and feel who he is, what is in him and why, to feel his similarity and involvement. Parental love is like water for a grain: best of all it helps a child to grow and develop.
Especially important is a close relationship with the mother in childhood — from the moment of birth until the moment when the child acquires the ability to answer for himself, becomes independent. Being nearby, the mother feeds him with energy, love, attention and care.
“The father gives mother and child a safe space, protects them, gives them a sense of security,” adds Vladislava Ladmari. — He is also invisibly connected with the child, but to a greater extent through the mother and the relationship with her. That is why it is so important that parents live in love and harmony.”
Unfortunately, this happens quite rarely. In a difficult life situation for a mother, it can be very difficult to even just live. Disorder, problems in relationships, constant conflicts «dry» her, she does not have strength and love for the child. Trying to recover, a woman goes headlong into work or feverishly tries to start a new relationship, falls into depression — and does not give anything to the child.
It also happens that a mother in her childhood herself did not receive parental love and does not feel the opportunity and need to give it now to her child. This is where grandparents can come to the rescue. They will be able to surround the child with care, give him warmth, but — this must be remembered — they will never be able to replace parents. The love of mother and father is necessary for children in any case, it cannot be belittled and depreciated.
What will happen next
In the long term, it is much better for a child to be with loving grandparents than with a mother filled with problems, irritation, fear. In a close one, it is important for him that his mother loves him. And the fact that she leaves him, even with her family, causes great trauma. Subconsciously, the child feels that his parents are abandoning him. And this inner feeling can lead to irreparable consequences.
Often, children who grow up without parents become insecure. They have no sense of self-worth or self-importance. A lack of parental love not satisfied in time leads to an emotional break with parents and to the fact that the child will look for love everywhere — at school, then at the institute, at work, in peer companies.
Not finding what he really needs, the child will grow up «led». This means that in his actions he will rather be guided not by his own interests, but by the desires of those who promise him “love”. He will always be dependent on someone — in the worst case, he will fall into a bad company, a sect. All these «side effects» are actually very unpleasant. And they should definitely be taken into account before making the final decision — to give the child or not to give. Psychologists say that there are very few situations in which being with grandmothers is better than with parents. More often we are talking about elementary domestic comfort — it seems to parents that it will be more convenient for everyone.