Orphans are not only children. An adult often perceives the death of a second parent as an irreparable loss. But this loss, while hurting, can at the same time be a resource for personal growth.
“When my mom’s doctor informed my sister and me three years ago that my mom had days to live, not even weeks, my first reaction was, ‘No, no, she can’t,’” says 32-year-old Victoria.
I was supposed to get married in two weeks. Somewhere inside me, an adult woman who was then experiencing shock, pain, denial, suddenly spoke a confused little girl who had already lost her father at the age of 10, and now simply could not believe that none of her parents would no longer watch with proud of how beautifully she walks down the wedding corridor.
Then we decided that life should go on, and the ceremony was not canceled. In these dark days, we so needed at least a drop of some kind of bright emotions. The wedding day was exciting. It was as if I was bathing in the waves of the boundless love of friends and relatives, I felt this warmth without further ado.
Adults experience an incredibly acute, childlike sense of confusion and defenselessness.
And yet there were moments when I could barely hold on. For example, in the morning, when all the guests, except for my sister, left for church, and I stood alone in front of the mirror, looking at my magnificent wedding decoration for the first time, and there was no mother around who would say: “How beautiful you are!”
And later, when we stopped at the exit of the church to take family photos, I physically felt a gaping void in the place where my parents should have stood.
For the first time after a loss, many adults experience an incredibly acute, childish feeling of confusion and defenselessness. “You can be an adult married woman with children, you can have a successful career and be financially independent, but as long as one of your parents is alive, you are still someone else’s child,” explains psychologist Alexander Levy, author of the book “The Orphaned Adult”.
There is no longer a person who alone remembered all your childhood antics.
“After the other parent dies, this important part of your identity disappears, and with it the illusion of security and permanence that has nourished us, even if we did not realize it.”
There is no longer a worthy defender who would support and encourage you from the side. There is no longer a person who alone remembered all your childhood antics – all those events and actions that made you what you are now. And there is no more shelter in which you can lie low and exhale when reality comes down with all its weight.
“No matter how old you are, 17 or 70, but at the moment when you lose the second parent, you finally part with the child inside you,” concludes Alexander Levy.
Exit security zone
“After the death of my father, I became very close to my mother,” Victoria continues her story. “She worked hard despite the rheumatoid arthritis that was starting at the time, and we had financial difficulties in the family, but I remember how often she laughed and joked, even at her sore hands.
She and I were friends, not only mother and daughter. My husband was ironic that my mother, although she lives in another city, could recognize each of my work colleagues at a glance – she was so involved in my daily life.
Now, without being able to call her and discuss some little thing, even just to whine, I feel like I have lost my real home. Where there was my most reliable refuge, today there is emptiness, a vacuum.
Many lose, perhaps the only loved one who was their moral support.
Many men and women admit that no matter what age they lost their parents, they felt very lonely at this difficult moment in their lives, they found themselves almost isolated. Those around them sympathized noticeably less than those who lost a partner or other family member.
“It’s the natural order of things for children to bury their parents,” explains University of South Africa psychologist Matshepo Matoene. “But today, orphaned adults have a very difficult time.
The growing disunity, the accelerated rhythm of life, the greater employment make us less sensitive to each other, and the support of acquaintances and colleagues for those who are experiencing grief is no longer as tangible as before. Burying a father or mother, many lose, perhaps, the only close person who was a moral support for them, and this can increase their isolation, isolation.
Learn to grieve
Without a clear recognition of the loss by the outside world, the process of mourning often takes a long time and goes unnoticed by others. Only sometimes does it break through to the surface at some separate, important moments – on family holidays and anniversaries, at the birth of children, in various crisis situations experienced for the first time without parents, and even at the onset of the age at which the father or mother passed away .
“Losing a second parent makes you more aware of your own finiteness,” says Alexander Levy. “There is no one else between you and death.” And the emotional experience of mourning the loss of the first parent does not necessarily prepare you for the pain of loss a second time.
It is common to think that this kind of suffering can be gradually accustomed to, but studies do not confirm this. Each time, faced with a loss, we not only feel the acute grief that has piled up now, but also remember, relive our previous losses.
As difficult as this experience may be, one eventually realizes that life goes on one way or another. And quite often, life without parents turns out, oddly enough, a step towards inner liberation.
“The experience of being an orphan in adulthood can certainly push us towards personal growth.”
“Two years after the death of my mother, I found that I can cope with all the difficulties without her,” Victoria admits. “I realized this when I became a mother myself. After a suspected miscarriage and a painful birth, I was completely unprepared for sleepless nights, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
I faced all the challenges that any new mother has to deal with on a daily basis—and for which I have no doubt my mother would have prepared me. But I survived this test without her support. And I felt much more confident.”
“The experience of orphanhood in adulthood can certainly push us towards personal growth,” says Matshepo Matoene. “Losing a parent sometimes brings unsolvable problems, but it also provides an opportunity to re-evaluate them and find a way out.
It allows you to overestimate yourself, to discover your true “I”, which for the time being was clouded by the presence of the parent, his established view of his child.
Become yourself after loss
For some, the departure of parents can be a great relief, because it will finally allow them to escape from the negative influence of a harsh, critical parent. For many, it only means a change in family roles that have been established over the years. But there are those who experience the death of their father or mother as the loss of their own identity.
“The departure of our parents throws us back to ourselves, forcing us to more clearly define who we are,” emphasizes Matshepo Matoene. “This experience can open up opportunities for us that were previously closed to us.”
“The changes that have taken place in my life turned out to be not only global, but significant,” Victoria admits. “I feel stronger and more confident in myself. And in some ways – and more vulnerable: I realize that I can lose those I love at the most unexpected moment. But at the same time, I know that I can handle it.
It hurts me that my parents will never see my wonderful daughter. This loss will forever be painful for me. But now I know that you end up moving from where memory hurts to where memories bring comfort and strength to face the new, free and independent person you have become.”