Being honest with yourself: how to set the right goals

When we set a goal, we rarely think about the true motives of our choice. To correct the shape of the nose or to worry less, to buy an apartment or one day to rebuff a rude boss – probably, any desire can be reduced to a concise formula: we want to be happy.

However, along the way to happiness, we often make mistakes about the means that will bring it closer. And then, even having bought the treasured meters or having plastic surgery, we do not feel satisfaction. How to set the right goal without looking back at other people’s dreams and opinions?

Foggy Ideal

One of the features of our psyche is that we cannot help but appreciate and be impressed: if we like something, we want to have it. And it does not matter whether we want to have a car or a certain style of behavior that causes approval.

“The difference between who we really are and what we would like to be is very palpable,” notes Gestalt therapist Ekaterina Mukhacheva. But where do ideas and ideals come from? As a rule, from the outside – from TV, the Internet, books, from parents and people around. So a certain image is created in the head, to which we are trying to fit ourselves. It follows from this that when we want something for ourselves, we unwittingly become hostages of public opinion, some kind of public program.”

In addition, our needs are not always clear to ourselves: there is a desire for something new, but it is not possible to determine what exactly.

“Clients rarely come to a consultation with a clear goal, it arises during the conversation and can change from session to session,” says clinical psychologist Yulia Zakharova. – If you want to gain confidence, then you first need to find out exactly what you mean by confidence. In what areas of life is it lacking? What can you achieve by becoming more confident. How will this affect your life and your relationships with loved ones? As a result of such a discussion, the goals become clear.

From external to internal

Can inner change come about through outer change? For example, if you used to do ten push-ups, and now you do a hundred push-ups, what can change besides muscle volume? Self respect and attitude.

“External changes, when we like the way we look, of course, add additional emotions: it’s always nice to catch your reflection in the mirror and be satisfied,” Ekaterina Mukhacheva agrees. “However, pride and self-pleasure, which affect mood, are unlikely to change us drastically. These are emotions, they are more short-lived than deep feelings and experiences.

Thoughts and behavior are interconnected, so it is logical that changes in actions can lead to changes in consciousness. The one who quit smoking begins to think of himself as a strong, strong-willed person. Someone who was afraid to look for a new job, but once questioned the usual opinion about himself as a loser, is less complex and eventually goes to an interview.

For the sake of others?

In adolescence and adolescence, the desire to change often appears against the background of communication with those who we like and whom we would like to be equal to. As we age, we focus more on ourselves, but this is not always the case.

Many continue to depend on the opinions of others and spend a lot of effort, time, nerves and health to match the image that we think others will definitely like. Someone, on the contrary, is confident enough in himself to have his own position, the opposite of the generally accepted one.

However, if we are still ready to listen to relatives or friends who call for change, then the first reaction – resentment, a feeling of wounded pride – is replaced by the first attempts of introspection: maybe it’s really worth changing something in yourself in order to live better? “Interpersonal relationships are often the true reason that the client decided to work and somehow change,” confirms Yulia Zakharova.

Isn’t this violence against yourself? After all, changing to please someone, we strive to meet other people’s needs. However, sometimes we agree to comply with the partner’s request, as it benefits both parties.

“If your companion, during a showdown, asks to restrain himself and answer in a calm voice, since it is difficult for him to endure a conversation in raised tones, then by agreeing to do this, you can combine business with pleasure,” says Ekaterina Mukhacheva. “Pleasant, because it will reduce the intensity of passions, useful, because it’s easier to find a compromise and understand what a partner wants in a calm environment.”

But what if others want from us what we are not? For example, if you are into books or knitting, and your friends demand constant presence at noisy parties, it is worth considering whether they truly appreciate you or would prefer someone else.

The main thing is pleasure

When the goal is achieved, some are covered with a depressive mood. What’s next? Why am I not excited?

“It all depends on how we are moving towards the goal: with pleasure from the process, from every small step on the way to the cherished or in constant tension, losing touch with reality,” explains Ekaterina Mukhacheva. – In the first case, the achievement of the goal will be perceived as a holiday, and it will serve as the foundation for new plans. In the second, joy will be replaced by a feeling of devastation.

The words of the Gestalt therapist partly confirm the phrase, which in the East is perceived not as a good wish, but as a curse: “May all your dreams come true.” When we get what we want, it becomes routine, everyday.

Therefore, the process of achieving the goal is more important than the goal itself: dreaming about the final result, we are already living these emotions, satisfaction – this is how our unconscious works, not distinguishing between dreams and reality. Therefore, when we actually get what we want, there are no emotions left to feel joy and delight: we feel emptiness, since all experiences were lived in advance.

Someone is used to staying in the same place, the same job, surrounded by the same things for a long time: habits and tastes are stable. And for those who are inclined to study the philosophical and non-philosophical views of others, engage in knowledge and self-knowledge, travel, changes in behavior and thinking occur as if by themselves.

When we change ourselves, we experience less fear. And we become successful thanks to the fact that we ourselves develop those skills that help us achieve goals and live the way we ourselves want – happily. Waiting for someone to come and change our lives, while doing nothing, of course, is possible, and probably someone will be able to realize these dreams or help with the realization of goals and objectives.

But whether these changes are persistent or, on the contrary, temporary depends on how seriously our deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and about the world change.