Being a parent… without guilt

I am a very demanding parent.

Am I suppressing the child’s personality?

“Don’t eat with your hands!”, “Turn the music down!”, “Get away from the computer!” – a child often hears from parents tired at work. Children do everything wrong and often piss us off. And we burst into a scream, and then we worry: we see each other so little, and here you are, – he cries, shuts up or slams the door so that the windows rattle …

Let’s dot the “i”. Children need our firmness. They need clear boundaries, and the worst thing we can do for them is to foster a sense of permissiveness. Be consistent: set the rules and be reminded of them. Mastering them, the child gains independence. After all, being happy does not mean giving free rein to your impulses. On the contrary, it means being able to control them so as not to become their slave. And also to own the rules of good taste, to be punctual or to follow any other code that is accepted among the people next to whom we live.

Breaking down, we feel guilty and so we punish ourselves. How to avoid this while remaining firm? Children always want to deal with a living person. If, breaking into a cry, you are ready to explain yourself and apologize, the child will not be offended. However, you can be heard without raising your voice. Three or four repetitions – and the child will hear your requirements. This technique has been practiced for a long time and is called the Broken Record.

Be sincere, criticize the behavior, not the personality of the child, never spare time and effort to discuss contentious issues. Sometimes it is better to return to the conversation later, when the passions subside. But be sure to listen to the child so that he does not feel stifled by your monologue.

And one more thing: the reaction to pranks should be commensurate with the degree of misconduct. You can compromise on some things: for example, allowing you to go to bed late during the holidays, not brushing your teeth at a time of extreme fatigue, or not learning a lesson if your head hurts. But there are things in which there is no room for compromise. Even if your head hurts, you need to return someone else’s thing taken without permission, apologize for the insult inadvertently inflicted on someone …

The strength of our reaction to misconduct determines the child’s value system. If we react equally violently to everything, he will not be able to understand what is worse in his behavior: to walk barefoot on the cold floor or to be rude to the neighbors …

I work too hard

Does he feel abandoned?

A typical misconception of many mothers is the belief that it is worth being with the child long enough, and he will no longer feel abandoned. In fact, just being there is not enough. The quality of communication matters more than the number of hours spent together.

Look at the child’s behavior. If he feels abandoned, he will definitely show it. Some children in such cases become aggressive and whiny. Others are haunted by nightmares. Some get our attention by doing deliberately stupid things. Of course, at such moments it is good to stay together longer, reducing the amount of work or taking a vacation. But it is much more important to pay more attention to the child when you are around.

Instead of sitting him down in front of the TV while you cook, chat with him in the kitchen. Family rituals and the rhythm of communication are especially important. Let the child know that at least once a week he will have you at his disposal (on Saturday evening, Sunday morning …). And this is your time with him, which no one can encroach on. Try to be in close proximity to him more often, at a touch distance: feed him yourself, bathe (very small ones), caress … Physical contact with parents helps to gain a sense of security.

I don’t have the funds for what he asks

Will he suffer because of this?

It’s not about money at all, but about the constant desire of teenagers to be like everyone else. Solving problems of self-worth through the purchase of prestigious things is a great temptation. But for the upbringing of the individual it is not always important to have what other children have. A certain amount of worries about this is even useful, but on one condition: the child must understand that behind the unwillingness of the parents (regardless of whether they are wealthy or not) to give in to his requests is their firm position.

Learning to be content with what you have is not easy, but otherwise a person runs the risk of forever feeling dissatisfied, begins to measure his own value by the cost and prestige of his surroundings.

Switch his attention from external attributes to internal ones: to what he can do well, what he can be proud of. Talk to him about it, explain your position – of course, if you adhere to such views.

And one more thing: unfortunately, modern children often see animation on the faces of their parents only during shopping trips. They call us for shopping when they want the family to feel the holiday. Therefore, arrange family holidays that do not cost a fortune, give joy that you don’t have to pay anything for. Such experiences are the best argument in favor of independence from things and money.

I divorce

Will it affect his whole life?

Children do not like parting, the stability of their parents’ relationship for them is the basis of the stability of the world. At the same time, they would rather have their parents separate than continue to live in constant quarrels. There is a clarity in divorce that gives a sense of certainty.

There is no painless divorce. It is important that it be more successful than your disintegrating marriage. “He is a bad husband for me, but a good father for you” is the basis of a conversation with an older child. For the little one, the words in the style of a children’s song are clear: “Dad and mom do not live together, but they love you very much!”

Determine the guidelines that will help the child adapt to a new life: where he will live from now on, what school to study at, how often he will be able to see his father or mother. It is naive to believe that divorce will not bring suffering to the child. But if you want him to be happy in his personal life in the future, do not hide your true feelings. He will cope with heartache if you both show respect for each other for his sake.