Before the wedding: how to neutralize the toxic mother of the bride?

It is good when close people can help the future couple in such a difficult matter as preparing a wedding. So, at least, it is considered. And an important role is traditionally given to the mother of the bride. Only if the relationship between mother and daughter is not cloudless, then instead of well-coordinated work, they are likely to face conflicts, tears and disappointments. In each case, a constructive solution can be found.

Controlling mother

She is used to controlling all aspects of your life — with whom you are friends, what you do, what kind of relationship and with whom. So why will your wedding be an exception for her? This type of mother has her own idea of ​​what a wedding should be, and she will try to bring it to life, regardless of your wishes.

Psychotherapist Rachel Sussman believes that in this case it is better to immediately dot the i’s. “Talk to her from the very beginning, tell her about your vision of the wedding and how exactly she can help,” advises Sussman. By giving her a responsible task, you will show that she is an important part of what is happening. The worst thing you can say to such a mother is that nothing is required of her. It’s important for her to feel important, so let her order cakes, choose music, tablecloths, or anything else that you don’t mind delegating. ”

«Absent» mother

Almost every daughter dreams that her mother will help her with preparations for the wedding. But this type of mother is too immersed in everyday affairs or the excitement associated with the wedding is excessive for her. Although such a detachment of the mother is not new for the daughter, it is still painful.

“If the mother does not show interest in such an important event for you, you feel rejected and offended,” says the psychotherapist. But it’s still worth asking if she wants to somehow participate in the preparations for the wedding. If the mother makes it clear enough that she has other priorities, well, you can take care of yourself. “The main thing is to be able to cope with this feeling of rejection and disappointment,” continues Rachel Sussman. “Accept her for who she is and don’t let her ruin your life.”

overly emotional mother

If the mother is one of the most vulnerable people, then talking to her is like riding a rollercoaster. Sussman advises: “Be on the lookout — remember that she is a complex person. Use deep breathing if necessary. And most importantly, stand firm on the frontiers.” If she starts behaving inappropriately, for example, screaming or sobbing, talk to her seriously, warn her that she will either be able to pull herself together, or you will have to do without her participation. The key is to set boundaries and keep them.

overly attached mother

“I can’t believe my baby is getting married!” If you have already heard this phrase a hundred times, although you have only been engaged for a week, then it is quite possible that your mother is overly attached to you. Usually this type of mother feels insecure, tends to be dramatic, wants to be aware of all the details and is ready to talk about the upcoming wedding 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You know that she only wants the best, but her concern for you is excessive.

“Show your mother that you are very touched by her love and enthusiasm, and at the same time let her know that there are other things in your life,” Sussman advises. “Agree that you will discuss with her the preparations for the wedding once a week, and not every day.”

If nothing helps

What if the above strategies don’t work? Actually, it’s time to think about how your mother’s behavior affects the groom. If the joy of the upcoming wedding fades for both of you because of her, it is better to keep your distance. It is important to set boundaries now. Otherwise, dysfunctional parent-child relationships can negatively affect the marriage in the future and destroy it.

Source: marthastewartweddings.com