Become the parent that kids want to talk to

I work as a child psychotherapist. The most common parent complaint is: «He just refuses to talk to me.» But the closeness of children to their parents is the most reliable indicator of their future emotional and psychological stability. If a child does not open up to their parents when upset, then the relationship is not close enough.

Why is this happening? As a rule, a child is repelled by two parental mistakes: denying children’s emotions and showing sympathy instead of empathy.

Denial or empathy

When a child experiences strong negative emotions: anger or grief, anxiety or excitement, he needs the help of a parent. Unfortunately, often the first parental impulse is to forbid him to feel this way. Advice slips from her lips: «don’t be upset» or «don’t be angry.»

What does this lead to? The child becomes ashamed of his feelings, his pain is aggravated. He realizes that the parent does not understand him, and as a result withdraws into himself and feels lonely. The kid learns a lesson: do not open up to others — it will only get worse.

Examples of statements to avoid:

• Do not worry.
• Do not worry.
• Don’t be like that.
• Do not get mad.
• You are too sensitive.

Show empathy, respect children’s feelings. Feelings in and of themselves are not wrong, what the child does with them is another matter.

Examples of correct reactions:

• I understand that you are very worried.
• If I were you, I’d be upset too.
• When I was your age, I felt exactly the same.
• You’re angry, I understand. You have a right to it. It hurts to see another child doing what you also want but can’t yet.
• Surely you have an important reason to be angry. Tell me about her.

This will help your child feel that you understand him and strengthen the bond between you. The child will calm down, feel safe, accept your help in solving the problem and be able to move forward.

It is important to understand that showing empathy is not rewarding bad behavior. Last week, the son returned home in a rage, slammed the door and threw his coat on the floor. “I don’t know why you’re angry. You must have a reason and I want to hear it,” I said. But you can’t throw things. Go and pick up your coat.» The son picked up his clothes and said that he was upset because of a quarrel with a friend.

Empathy is more powerful than sympathy

Of course, we do not want children to feel sorry for themselves or overdramatize events. Perhaps these fears interfere with empathy. In fact, when we respect the feelings of a child, he stops playing the victim. But sympathy, on the contrary, is the way to raising spoiled children. Parents begin to shield them from negative emotions, instead of helping them deal with them.

One evening, as we were driving home from hockey practice, my eight-year-old son said, “Today I played the worst. And so every time! They almost never let me out on the ice.” I had a choice: to respond from a position of sympathy or empathy.

Reaction from a position of sympathy: «My poor! I’ll talk to the coach. It’s not fair that he keeps you on the bench for most of the training.»

Empathy response: “I know it’s annoying. It hurts to feel left behind. I understand you very well. I myself have felt this way many times. It’s horrible. Keep practicing and you’ll be fine.»

When we sympathize with a child, we feel the need to step in and ask for the rules to be changed or for a favor. This teaches him to play the victim. This way is the easiest. Responding with empathy requires that we switch from our own emotions to the feelings of children. This is a kind of emotional synchronization: we have to remember what it is like to feel left behind in order to put ourselves in the place of a child.

Emotional synchronization helps the child feel understood and supported. He feels safe and ready to move forward. So we teach him not to give up when difficulties arise.